And This, is My Brain

Americans always think things are going to get better. They are so optimistic!

2010-12-14T13:39:00.002-05:00

America, because of its resources and successes, has always had a culture of optimism. Americans believe that they are in control of their own destinies, rather than being victims of fate. Many Americans tend to believe that "the American dream" can be achieved by anyone who is willing to work hard enough. Many Americans believe that the only obstacle to things getting better is "not trying hard enough." Americans also believe that a personal lack of determination or effort can be fixed. Other cultures may believe more in fate ("what will be will be") When something bad happens, some members of these cultures believe it was fated to happen, must be accepted, and cannot be changed.

Building Bridges: A Peace Corps Classroom Guide to Cross-Cultural Understanding

The City

2010-11-19T18:52:00.002-05:00

The City

You said, 'I'll go to another land, I'll go to another sea.
I'll find a city better than this one.
My every effort is a written indictment.
and my heart-like someone dead-is buried.
How long will my mind remain in this decaying state?
Wherever I cast my eyes, wherever I look,
I see my life in black ruins here,
where I spent so many years, and ruined and wasted them.'

You will not find new lands, you will not find other seas.
The city will follow. You will roam
the same streets. And you will grow old in the same neighborhood.
and you hair will turn white in the same houses.
You will always arrive in this city. Don't hope for elsewhere-
there is no ship for you, there is no road.
As you have wasted your life here,
in this small corner, so you have ruined it on the whole earth.

C.P. Cavafy, 1910

On Food

2010-09-29T19:41:00.003-04:00

Sure, I left for a short time. But did they have to go on and change everything?
They took away my sandwich counter, and I feel starved.

Ok, so technically it's still there - just not the times that I am able to get to it. It's closed up and getting clean once I walk up to it. It feels as if there is a slow-motion quiet going on. I look around and everything is newly named, yet still the same. How could they do such a thing, huh?

Ah, to feel as if you're entering a new world even though you are simply re-entering an old one..

The Leaves

2010-09-26T23:03:00.003-04:00

Breathe in, breathe out. Because there is nothing else that I really know how to do at the moment. And perhaps all I've learned how to do in moments of past decisions, moments of panic, second guessing - not knowing - the only thing you can really do is nothing. Simply forget all those options, and put a new one on the table.

Because as much as it can seem frustrating, we just have to wait for those moments of realization to slap us across or face. They always arrive at the wrong time, too late and perhaps never *that* clear. But, they slap us in a caring, loving, gentle kind of way that lets us know we have finally gotten to that little point we were searching for all along.

Past

2010-09-10T15:54:00.003-04:00

The things I have started that I never thought would end, have ended.
I experienced them and they came to an end. And there are certainly some things I never go the chance to do, and other things I never expected to happen, well, they happened. After all is said and done my overall outlook on that experience, and what I could do with it in the future... it's different.
Ok, sad fact. And, ok, I always could envision myself in these days thinking of what I was doing the year before.

Notes From the Dishwasher

2010-08-04T12:06:00.002-04:00

Every now and then I get a bit of a flash from a past moment in my life. I don't exactly know why, but it happens and it happens to you, too.

One of the most recent ones was while I was putting the dishes in the dishwasher. I was reminded of the fact that I had a few, uhm, 'mean girl' moments when I was younger.

You know, being friends with someone one day and then planning to give them and eye roll and a cold shoulder in the hall the next because you've miraculously decided they are too lame within a split second of clear thoughts.

The one in particular that I remember gives me a shudder when I think of the look on the other girl's face as she was highly confused by my snubbing of her for no apparent reason on that particular day *shudder* *wince* *etc.* (surely I was justified though)

And let's face I never was/would be that popular and I knew it. So who knows where these snotty little moments came from. A right of passage perhaps? (quite a ridiculous one if you boil it down to that, eh) And I never wanted to be, mean, but there was just something so intriguing with turning the other way and saying something cruel on the organized double line to lunch.

Thinking about it now if I had decided to act differently I don't think I would have remained friends with this particular person. We were quite different, not in the embrace difference sense, but in the you're crazy and I'm not sense. And, let's face it, not everybody is meant to be friends with everybody and I don't care what your teacher said and what those signs on the wall of the classroom told you. But, I'm not searching for an excuse for my behavior here.

And thinking about it now I would just like to go back and give that little girl a hug, and let's face it I'm not that big on the hug thing but a hug to a little girl who is completely confused by the absurdity of her said friend, I could do.
And all those other kids we thought were too un-cool to infamously "like" Vinnie, TJ, Colin too fat, too skinny farts too much, whatever it was, how silly it all seems now.

And perhaps they have forgotten about the moment that I affected their lives, maybe not. What it all means now I couldn't tell ya. Perhaps they have the 'better life'(doubt it, that's highly subjective) perhaps they are haunted by my words/think I'm a total jerk.

My actions seem odd to me now because I don't think of myself as the kind of person who could ever do that. And, yes, I regret these things. (only slightly, because then again I am one of those what-you-do-makes-you-who-are-in-every-way-shape-and-form type of people)

But, as always I am oddly happy with the things that I regret now, the things that make me cringe, the things that I would all do differently now. Because, for me, that means that I have learned something in this here life. And the moment you realize you've learned a little something is a pretty damn good moment when you're always walking around thinking you'll never learn anything.

And Then

2010-07-23T22:11:00.001-04:00

...There are the times, you know, when you realize you (may) have exactly what you wanted. A

And you don't know what to do with it anymore.

2010-07-13T13:36:00.005-04:00

Honestly I am doing nothing with my time these days. I don't have a job due to the fact that I was unable to find one that would actually want me and all my strings(the fact that I would be only working for the summer seems to be a problem in these days, eh) And sure I have my one day a week internship, which I am grateful for and love, but it all (doesn't) take up time.

Ever since I have returned I have never felt so... well, empty (cliche, but there is always a reason that these things are repeated!)

My days are literally filled with a continual routine of this and that. And then there is also the attempt to do this and that with my time. To read more, to write more, to actually do my work for my online class on time(all of the wonderful complexities of that online class deserve another post for sure!) to get organized, to figure out where I'm going and what I want to turn all of my energy into. Don't get me wrong, then there are the days I *love* this absolute nothingness, and if it could stay this way... yay!

Ah! Who has all the time to do these things when you have all the time in the world?
Ok, what I think I am getting at here is that I'm lazy, ok, known fact. What I think I am trying to get at here is that I don't understand why people, mostly me I suppose, always are so much more inclined to do things when they have absolutely no time?

So, it's like this. I can have a week to get something accomplished peacefully but I would rather wait to do it in the hours before it is due. Yes, it's the same old student story.

And I could say that while I was gone it was all so much easier, there was never any pressure, it was so wonderful and blablabla. Fact is that's not true, but fact there with the pressure I felt some sort calm with it, fact is that I am always getting to thinking that all of my here 'emptiness' (oh, gosh it just sounds depressing) will fade once my time is occupied with all wonderful school things come September.

But, why does all that have to wait until September? I suppose it's just my way of looking at it.

2010-07-05T20:39:00.002-04:00

And then, you know, there are the times that we find out all we *truly* wanted is possible, after we have already settled for, and completed, the lesser.

And it's not even like we are able to go on and try again.

Realism

2010-06-17T19:23:00.001-04:00

...but I'm just trying to figure out a plan that's not too unrealistic so I actually make it there.

The Returnal*

2010-06-16T12:48:00.003-04:00

I am back. I am officially back from where I was going, and now I have to figure out where to go from here.

Quite honestly I never thought that being 'back' would mean that I am here. Here being this desk that I am writing from. This desk that I am writing from being located in suburbia, PA. That suburbia, PA being where my parents live and where I find myself for a lack of other resources. (I always thought one day I would get more spontaneous, you know, not worrying about money or time and place and resources, but just always working something out that I wanted, something that was slightly out of the ordinary. Eh.)

I thought Magic would happen while I was spending all those months away. And perhaps Magic did happen, but it's certainly not telling me what to do from now on.

It's almost as if everything in my life up to *that* point was to get me there. To get me into that experience. And now I lived it, and now it's over. And now where do I go from here?

It's like I have to start all over again, I have to figure out a whole new plan, when I should have been putting the finishing touches on my final plan already. I honestly have never felt so far behind. I was ignoring all the reality up to *that* point because I had a one-track mind and all I wanted to do was get out of that infamous *here* and get there.

And I got there. And I lived it. And now it's over. (Did I mention that already?)

So, now I am essentially stuck. All I had been saving and planning for went into that goal, and now it's all gone. I ask again, where do I go from here?

At moments there is a tinge of regret that washes over me. Regret from focusing only on that one thing, regret from letting it all slip away during those months. And then at other moments there is not a drop of regret within me. That was my goal, that was what I was saving and planning and dreaming for. For such a long period of time, and I actually did it. Sure it wasn't perfect, but I'm satisfied, I'm content with the outcome.

And with those short moments of contentment there is a certain peaceful calm that washes over me. I don't think anymore about what I don't have in these moments, what I need to do in the upcoming days. I just enjoy what I've done, the memories I get to re-live. And I get that silly feeling that things will just work out. I mean why wouldn't they? It's always been that way? It could be worse...

So, I suppose the question I should be asking is, how do let this push me forward and not old me back? How do I translate it into something else?

(No, wait. That's not the right question is it? Perhaps I need to wait for the right question to come to me... )

*Well aware of awful language usage.

La

2010-05-02T17:35:00.001-04:00

And ain't it funny how all you've wanted is all you are never allowed to have?

And then it's as if we are in a perpetual state of childhood.

Make A Wish

2010-04-05T10:29:00.002-04:00

You know the old little trick that when you lose an eyelash (at least the ones you notice that land on your cheek) you are supposed to make a wish and blow it away?

Well, you know how you always try to make some impossible wish, one that seems a bit far out of reach, but you just want it to come true? Some future plans, some meeting to end a certain way, some things that you never want to happen.

I always was wishing for the impossible through a fallen eyelash, and then upon the disappointment of those wishes not being realized I decided I would do it differently the next time one fell down. Instead of wishing for anything specific, I just say, "I just want to happen everything that is supposed to happen."

No specific ties, no disappointments, just letting life work out the way it should without any eyelash wishing interferences. Ah, and what a thought that can become.

So, then here's to hoping that all you want is the least you'll get.

Peculiar

2009-12-11T15:54:00.003-05:00

Ain't it funny how you can plan and plan, and then it just never happens?
How you can start a day with all the good intentions in the world, and then *poof* it turns around in all the wrong directions. Every which way you don't want.

I suppose it's like being the odd one out. The one who has the funny accent and the awkwardness. The moments you feel you have finally reached a breaking point. Then the next moment you feel you have gone back in time.

And sometimes I’m not exactly sure that you move on from the things of your past, the people, the routines. It’s just that you find some other way to adapt to those things that are there. You find some other way to live within what’s going on. Another way to live with all that surrounds you. And every once in a while you can look back to what you once did, who you once were, who you were surrounded by. And it's just different. Perhaps it's not exactly better, not exactly worse. It's just different.

And it's not that you don't miss what you once had, and it's not like you long for it. It's just different.

Which Way

2009-12-06T06:48:00.002-05:00

Then we move back to the fact that sometimes we are never able to say what we want to say.

Why is it that we can never ask the things that we want to ask?
Why is it that we can never get to the point that is really bothering us?
In the sense that we do not have the ability to really grab hold what we are after.
In the sense that we are afraid to think about what could happen when we do, when and if we don’t.

We just linger in that other moment.
That moment in which it’s ok, but not great, that moment where it just is and it can’t be tarnished.
That one.

Or perhaps it’s just the fact that we can’t get our head out of other peoples business long enough not to have the desire to ask questions. There's always another way of looking at things.

Say it

2009-12-01T16:07:00.002-05:00

Why is it that I can know exactly what someone is going to tell me, I can know the exact words that could come out of their mouth, and yet, I need to hear it. I need to hear them say it

Why is it that I have to go through the whole process of contacting them and asking them a process of questions just to get to that one point, those few words I already know.

And obviously I would only go to a certain person because I *know* I will hear what I want.

So, if I know it. If I can hear it in my own head, what's the point of the spoken out of the mouth of another? Why can't my own psychotic thoughts be good enough?

Because I could hear something more? Because we are all just uncertain of what we actually know?

And every drained, cheesy bone.

2009-11-10T16:05:00.005-05:00

Because there are those days we realize we just gotta walk it alone.
Those days we realize we're never walking on the same path,
going along the same beat,
headed in the right direction,
speaking the same language
as all those others.

But, eh, we keep on going.
Because we know we are headed somewhere after all.

Vi scrivo

2009-10-31T16:58:00.001-04:00

Vi dico la verità.
Vi dico che è ufficiale.
Vorrei tornare a casa e dimenticarmi tutto quello che è successo qua.
(e diciamo che questa giornata ha iniziato bene)

requests ... considered.

2009-05-14T21:00:00.000-04:00

This is just a post about absolutely nothing - nothing except for my desire to tell the blogger world to piss off ... that blogger world that I adore oh, so much.

And, no that was not rude at all.
I felt the need to tell, and you really needed to know this.

--

And maybe I'll be back someday.

To Overlook

2009-04-13T12:09:00.002-04:00

It's official. It's official. It's official.
I have forgotten to say it so many times.
Yet, I haven't really forgotten about it at all.
And, yet, I can barely believe that it's really official.
Perhaps it's forgotten out of avoidance.

overlook
verb |ˈōvərˈloŏk| [ trans. ]
1 fail to notice (something) : He seems to have overlooked one important fact. See note at neglect .

World, I can't do it anymore.

2009-03-25T18:21:00.005-04:00

Let me just say that I always thought the whole idea of being eco-friendly was ridiculous. Or, at least, it was/is getting a little ridiculous. Eco-this, eco-that, organic-this, organic-that. But, that's all I really would like to comment on that.

But, in spite of my distaste of all of that ... I decided to do something that would be 'nice to the environment.' So, I bought a pair of shoes, eco-friendly shoes. Eco-sneaks as they are better called.

At first I was so proud of myself for doing something good (even if I did think the price was ridiculous). Then after a few days ...

...The sneaks started to have some foul odor. And, sure, they're shoes .... they connect to feet ... feet smell ... sometimes ... you can connect the dots. But, no. That was absolutely not the case. These sneaks have a mind of their own ... something about the recycled material(old tire, and some other things I can't remember), just ... makes them the most foul smelling thing I have ever owned. (I don't really remember the smell of everything I owned, so perhaps that is not true, but ...)

So, all that I can say now is, I am done trying to save the world one step at a time. I can't do it anymore. I would rather walk around without smelling like, like ... well it's best I try not explain it.

And, I'm sorry world but I just can't do it anymore.

just another day in the neighborhood

2009-03-18T16:12:00.001-04:00

"Excuse me miss, are you lost?"

'Uh, no. I'm fine, thanks.'

"Oh, sorry ... you just looked a little lost."

Yes, these are the kinds of conversations that happen on a regular basis, to me.

Enough said.

Choppin' Broccoli...the fluffy part at least.

2009-03-15T21:43:00.002-04:00

Well, for some reason I started to think of this incident that happened in the midst of a birthday party, birthday party sometime around age 8? 9? ...

We were all gathered around watching a movie…ya know a nice little gathering in the living room. I can’t for the life of me remember what movie it was. Perhaps one of those ridiculously girlie or ridiculously stupid or ridiculously sad movies I don’t know, probably trendy and strange…who knows I certainly wasn’t paying any attention to it.

So, point being all that I remember from this night is asking the birthday girl’s mother in the middle of the movie . . . ”Do you like the stem of the broccoli or the fluffy part?”

Yes, dead serious I asked this question. And I asked it as if it was some life or death matter that I had to get resolved right at that moment. I was newly obsessed (eh, maybe just ‘like’) with broccoli. I only liked the stem – I despised (ok, maybe just ‘not-liked’) the, as I called it – (and still call it) the fluffy part. And I just had to know anything and everything broccoli. And, most certainly what everyone else thought of it.

I was brushed off by this mother, she said: “wait, wait, I’m watching the movie” And,I also received the “wait a minute” finger, the annoyance in her voice, and that strange "shut the heck up" tone in her voice. (ok, so maybe I exaggerate)

A few minutes later she finally answered me and said that her favorite part of broccoli was the 'fluffy part.' And I must say I was disappointed. How could anyone like that part? ... seriously? But, she also said that she like both parts...ugh.

Then she continued to watch the movie like nothing happened ... and I continued to ponder all that there is about broccoli. Who really knows why I was so obsessed with this, suppose I was always stuck in some sort of analyzing things mode ... no? My mind is always off on some other planet? dunno.

(Oh, and just for the record, I now prefer the 'fluffy part' to the stem...) ;)

I ask...

2009-03-06T10:32:00.002-05:00

Why can't I use this excuse for so many things I need to get done?

I HAVE FOUND YOU, ehm, INSPIRATION!!

2009-03-01T18:45:00.004-05:00

...and all thanks to some crazy chick talking on the phone in the hallway. :)

So, let’s just get right on down to business, shall we? The words that follow are of the crazy chick that made me laugh, and laugh … and, ah. It was a nice (silent) outburst of laughter and you know what else. :) (words are paraphrased of course – I am not able to remember every little thing from the conversation)

“So on Wednesday it was, like, raining out. And, so I went outside and started
running in the puddles, but not like, running-running- just running ya know with
my arms out like an airplane ya know. So then I came inside and this kid, Josh,
asked me if I was an Art major. And I said, ‘No, I’m an Early Childhood Education
major” and then he was like, “oh, that explains a lot of things” like
sarcastically. (with added emphasis on the later words) See, that’s the problem
‘cause nobody else *does* that….”

Yes, that was what I thought, too … what is the problem? The fact that people don’t run around in puddles? The fact that people don't automatically guess major you have? The fact that people don’t pretend they are airplanes or any other type of machine? The fact that people don’t say ‘like’ a lot? The fact that people don’t have random moments of psychosis? The fact that….

Well, you can think whatever you want. Or you can not think at all. I refuse to put any serious reflection into this. Perhaps you can understand why this brings me so much, ehm, joy. Perhaps you cannot. But, ah, that’s always the problem you see. ;)

The In's and Out's of life

2009-02-28T23:15:00.004-05:00

But, perhaps it is only that I have quit living (in theory, sort of) and started thinking too much? Over-thinking. Over-obsessing. Over-analyzing. Over-questioning.

Ah, the insanity!

Now, who's fault is this....?

So, quack-quack-quack

2009-02-28T22:53:00.002-05:00

I have been endlessly searching for my thoughts these past few weeks. Something to do, something to say...and obviously, I have found nothing.

Surprised? I didn't think so. Searching for some sort of inspiration always ends negatively. I just cannot understand where all of my words have gone? Where the f*** have they gone? ...And will I ever get them back?

There is also that fact that haunts me ... If you have to look for inspiration, if you have to look for the words, you shouldn't be looking for it to begin with. Or, rather, if you can't find it don't bother looking for it ... it's just not 'your thing.'

All I have to say to this is 'damnit!'

My patience is waning, and that is making me a bit scared. And, of course this is not the only thing that is starting to drain. Of course.

And, Ah-ha! I have nothing left to say.

What else is new I say, what else is new?

I surrender.

2009-02-09T21:57:00.003-05:00

No. I give up. No...it is something else that I do. Well, the thing is.
Oh, nevermind. There are no words that I have. I went through another day going attending class and being lost, and not knowing whether it is the subject or me.

Oh but I forgot! This morning was another one of those mornings where I thought *something* was absolutely one of the worst things I have ever done in my entire life...and then it got praise!

wow!

That doesn't make any sense....so I leave with a quote, "And you're not even an Art major right?!"

Right.

Phil

2009-02-02T23:59:00.001-05:00

Ok, so today is the 2nd of February (or maybe it was yesterday, now?) which means that today(yesterday) is(was) Groundhog Day…And Mr. Phil has seen his shadow … which means that there is going to be 6 more weeks of winter. Or maybe it is the other way around and he has NOT seen his shadow…I honestly don’t know I could never remember either way. I mean, does anyone really believe all this nonsense anyway? Probably.

I just always will remember the movie “Groundhog Day” Ah, how I loved that town. (even though there was constantly snow.) And, oh how I wanted to relive some day in my life over and over again…Even if in the end it’s supposed to be a “bad thing.” I certainly never understood why.

So, six more weeks of cold and snow and yuck … here we come. Or maybe not. I seriously need to start bringing back some point to these things. *Sigh* and blah, blah, blah. And, oh yea it's supposed to snow tomorrow, thanks Phil.

Don't get me started...

2009-02-02T23:13:00.002-05:00

I know that my blog is starting to be quite lame these days...But, other thoughts have been absent lately. Couldn't tell you why. And quite honestly I don't want to think of what that really means. So, here I am with something I know I should say/think this is quite the cheesy thing. And, oh how I hate all of the ... whatever the hell these things are... But, yet I like, and yet I think, and I share...

The Lotus Totus

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR. When you say, "I love you", mean it.

FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

TWENTY ONE. Spend some time alone.

(and thank you to who wrote this on facebook so that I could steal it and write it here, grazie!)

Pfft; Pffft. No, you're the idiot

2009-02-01T00:01:00.003-05:00

Oh, the so many definitions of a word so...odd. Not, even a word, an expression really.
These definitions that are to follow are all the workings of www.urbandictionary.com ... so if anything sounds strange, is spelled wrong, is redundant = not my fault!
Ok, here it goes...

We'll start with the shorter:

Pfft:

1.An expression of a lack of interest in another persons comment
2.Used to look down upon another
Ex:
Person 1: u really suck man
Person 2: pfft

3. Fine, whatever, I dont care

4. An expression of dismissal of another's comment.
Person 1: You're an idiot.
Person 2: Pfft

5. The sound of a silent and deadly rectal emission.

6. When you disapprove of something
We didn't have the day off!
Pfft, how lame.

7.an expression of disgust, disdain or disapproval, usually uttered after someone has just told you something totally inane or uninteresting.
"Hey, I'm going to vote Republican this year, isn't that cool." "Pfft!"

8. a noise you make when you are bored with something someone is saying

9. a forced exhalation of air which produces the noise pfft
done when you disagree with someone
'i think im the best looking person ever'

Now we go to the longer:

Pffft:

1.When somone says something really, really stupid and useless, A sound made to wind people up.

2. The Winner of all arguments.

3. The sound you make when someone says something that you don't like, want to forget, or disagree with.

4. A noise favourably used either in disbelief or as a pre-sound to laughter. Often an aggresive way of saying I disagree and of course for those of the population who feel obliged to try and hold in their laughter use this word.
'pfffHAHAHA!'

5.the sound emitted when farting.

And, we're done.

And I found more than 7; the lucky 7.

2009-01-31T08:00:00.001-05:00

This is what I can say I learned in JANUARY: (this is what I can say I have taken from this month, when the year is all said and done..my goal for this new year, right?)

Well, I was searching only for 7 things about myself that I thought were quite interesting. 7 things that I thought others would be interested/surprised to know. It was one of those "I tagged you now you write and tag others things" (I know dull, I was bored). And then I came to the realization that:

1. I have not live that much.

-And-

2. “…I am a nervous, shaky person. That is the conclusion of all this. I am always nervous. And it is always for something that is beyond my control. How freakin’ sad. (and, yes the list continues to this day, but I usually don’t spend my days playing silly games in a classroom. Well, you could argue that one I suppose)” = my direct quote from writing that thing out.

I will try to explain out the context that that quote was wrapped in… I found out through writing that silly thing that my whole life has been attached to something so simple and consuming as fear. Simple and consuming as nerves. I am afraid if I do 'x' or 'y' that 'this' or 'that' will happen.(possible I try to control the uncontrollable, no?)

I always have these nerves of …something, anything that take me away from doing what I had wanted to do. I feel so powerless, really. I have let something else (whether people or a feeling) control my life and it has been forever. I mean, sure it make a cute little story to say I can overcome, but, come on, that stuff is only worthy in the movies.

I mean, I always knew that ‘fear’ and nervousness’ were directly attached to practically everything that I did, and still continue to do. But, I never really knew how much it consumed my life…How much it has caused and regret and blah blah. And it was all for something so ridiculous as this.

I am certainly not going to say that now I am changed and will relinquish the fear and the nerves from my body. Because that is just not going to happen, not at all. Those two things will always haunt me, and be the evil shadow following me forever. All that I can sincerely say now is that I am aware of them, so now I can see them when they are going to hinder something in my life…Perhaps one time I will be able to overcome one of these incidents.

Maybe, just maybe.

Do something that scares you everyday.

2009-01-28T19:43:00.002-05:00

Yes, that title was very good advice. I agree. Of course everyday...? Might never accomplish that one. Even if I know (and love) the gratification that comes with overcoming/accomplished some looming fear...

But, I digress. The point of this was to say I am officially relieving myself of the "Things you don't know about me" post. I have been trying to fix it up to post here for the past two weeks and it has not happened. That therefore must mean it is not worth my while, right?

I mean, in truth it doesn't actually need revision rather it needs chopping. But, all that is really important is the fact that I wrote it about myself. Made myself think hard on some things that I am/was. And that is all the satisfaction I need from it.

Who cares if anyone else will read it? I cannot anymore. I do not. Then again, perhaps one day...but I cannot see it looming, I cannot feel the dread...

Then again this is only what I say...

Well, it's give and take...

2009-01-28T19:35:00.002-05:00

So thought for today...

Which one is true:

"You are who you pretend."
-or-
"You pretend to be who you are."

Ah-ha. Now that is one of those tricky, tricky situations...

Perhaps both contain some sort of truth. Well, does that mean they are the same thing? It is highly possible that I am making this out to be something that it is not. But, yet I continue to think.

As always

To say

2009-01-26T23:43:00.002-05:00

Writing to write. Writing without a function. Without a cause. Without a need. Without anything worthy.

Only to ramble.

And now the writing has finished.

End.

Ah, The Words...

2009-01-24T23:16:00.005-05:00

What a strange fact. Life really does have this power over every single person. A powerful power. It has the ability to make you satisfied, happy, melancholy or sad.

I think that the only real moments that we need to remember and memorize are the ones that move you. The ones that don't necessarily make you happy, but the ones that just make you think that 'life ain't that bad after all.' ...

Life is something that only gets better with the things that may not please us. Life is certainly the best when we are aware of all that there is for us to offer. It's really when we are aware of the fact that those moments when we are just feeling, and truly living...those are the best...not the moments of bliss or happiness...those are fading, those better worse for the fact that they must fade so miserably.

Ah, when we become aware. When we just realize that we are human, and that is all we will ever be. The kind of humans that make mistakes, do right and wrong, have faith and have doubt (most certainly the most significant), say something one minute and then fail to follow through the next....All because we are simply human...and we change and we be...

And those moments when there are no words except for the thoughts that run through our head. The thoughts that make us want to jump and shout for the realization of them, but then if we actually did jump and shout - those thoughts wouldn't really be learned, would they?

Whatever all of that really means.

play dead. it stops the hurting.*

2009-01-22T14:43:00.002-05:00

Well, the sad facts are just that … I hate responsibility, I feel like I have this OCD where things need to work out my way or the highway. (this is why I have always dropped ‘quit’ what I could not handle in the past?) I have the want and the need to be a perfectionist, but I never succeed. I procrastinate and then when I wait to the last minute to do things. I surely rush and never get them done adequately, as I would have like to get them done. And yes, you could say that there is this one easy answer to all of this and then everything would be not-what-it-is-now. But, oh how things in life are so much easier said than done. Always.

Where oh, where are you the hope of yesterday...not even a mere 24 hours gone...where have you decided to hide away? I want you back...

And then there is the fact that I take everything and I do mean everything, personally. As personal as it gets.

*unfortunately 'playing dead' is a figment of the imagination. One in which you cannot hide out in for very long.

Twitter Talk.

2009-01-20T18:48:00.002-05:00

So, I have recently been following this 'person' on Twitter called "Positive_Thinkr" (http://twitter.com/Positive_Thinkr) It does not take much for me to fall in love with the words of another, so this twitter persona was a perfect match for me.

Ah, and the reason I write this is because today alone it brought two lovely quotes into my life...
"Many people shy away from dancing because they don't know how to dance~But real dancers are the ones who can hear the music in their soul."
-and-
"When the world says, "Give up," Hope whispers, "Try it one more time." ~Unknown

Oh, what a sucker I can be...but I just love the words, all words...
You know, I think that I would speak in quotes the rest of my life...if only I was able to remember them all, and also not have my own thoughts running through my head. ;)

Dani is a Comma

2009-01-19T20:11:00.001-05:00

You Are a Comma

You are open minded and extremely optimistic.

You enjoy almost all facets of life. You can find the good in almost anything.

You keep yourself busy with tons of friends, activities, and interests.

You find it hard to turn down an opportunity, even if you are pressed for time.

Your friends find you fascinating, charming, and easy to talk to.

(But with so many competing interests, you friends do feel like you hardly have time for them.)

You excel in: Inspiring people

You get along best with: The Question Mark

What Punctuation Mark Are You?

rhyme and reason

2009-01-19T18:32:00.004-05:00

Is there any worse realization in life than becoming aware that all you hate about your life is really all your fault…and your fault alone? (excuse the ridiculous repetition)

Nope. I think that has to be the absolute worst.

Perhaps it is just hindsight and regret colliding, exploding and causing all kinds of trouble.

Ah, what a sad day it is...

need to know basis

2009-01-17T23:59:00.001-05:00

loll (lŏl)

–verb (used without object)
1. to recline or lean in a relaxed, lazy, or indolent manner; lounge: to loll on a sofa.

2. to hang loosely; droop; dangle: The dog stood in the heat with his tongue lolling out of his mouth.

–verb (used with object)
3. to allow to hang, droop, or dangle.

–noun Archaic.
4. the act of lolling.

5. a person or thing that lolls.

Origin:
1300–50; ME lollen, lullen (perh. imit.); cf. MD lollen doze, sit over the fire

Who would have thought

2009-01-12T23:16:00.002-05:00

I want to time travel. Back in time. Back to the past that I have wanted to run away from and erase from my mind for so long. And Sure I can say that I make my future into whatever I want it to be. But all I think is that it will only be half-assed. (yes, yes ... excuse the language) I think that whatever I try to make of my future will just be thing longing/trying to make up for what I never did. It will never really be, what I really want. If only for the fact that there will always be a part settled in the past. Sin. And then I will come to regret that. And the vicious cycle will continue and continue. Ahhh. Maybe 'past' is becoming a taboo word. Probably not.
Sigh, Sigh.

♪"...lost and insecure..."♪
Except what happens when you are never found? Never saved?
♪"...Why'd you have to wait?"♪
Stupid songs.

True simplicity, no?

2009-01-12T12:00:00.002-05:00

"Love makes so many beautiful promises and it will always disappoint in the end."

How simple. How little. How cliché. How known. How true. How redundant.

But, how long will it ever take to overcome the disappointment? Is it ever really possible? No. It just follows you around and haunts you for the rest of your life (I can assume) and the strength of it diminishes...Or, at least that is what your mind tells you.

Looming things

2009-01-11T19:18:00.003-05:00

Today was the supposed "deadline" I gave to myself to finish my essay.

So far, not so bad. I have actually did something more than I have in... I don't know, the past two months? This is good, right?

Wrong. I keep coming up with all of these ideas that I simply think are so wonderful...and then as soon as they get on the paper (the computer screen) = some of the worst words I have ever seen thrown together in my life.

My problem for today. No, that's a lie, this is always one of my problems. I can never just concentrate on one thing and keep it all nice and pretty. I have to try and go on these tangents and make everything all interesting and "non cliche" ... Maybe it has worked one time or another. I don't know.

I just wonder if I will ever be able to stick to the question at hand and answer it all simple and easy like it was meant to be answered. And then possibly get things done on time. (well, have a little breathing time?) But, no if I ever did that I would not be Me. I would be giving the same 'ole answer and be a drone... and what good would I do the world then? (or atleast, the person who has to read the thing)

See, but then there are those times when I think that I try so hard to be all...and it fails miserably. And, in fact it is really all just like the rest...then again there are times when I think no one really stands out in the world. No matter what. Ah, sadness and misery and loathing.

Ah, the trouble with trying to be "unique" and stand out. And the pressure to fit in when you think you are simply a complete nut. Then again...maybe I have no idea what I am talking about in regards to myself. Whatever.

As always. Whatever to verbal incontinence.

I am off...to stare at the screen and perhaps write something in some kind of order that makes some kind of sense. I can see the end of this, I just can't make it.

Enough, Enough

2009-01-08T22:26:00.003-05:00

I have not been able to concentrate on a thing I have set out/planned on doing. It is quite a shame. Or, rather, I am quite ashamed of myself. So, what this all means is that I have been wasting my time, doing nothing, and most certainly - hating myself for it.

Oh, the joy of 'Winter Break' ... How much I longed for it, and blah, blah, blah.

So, sorry to say, I still have not been able to concentrate on anything. Also, I really have nothing interesting to say because of this very reason. The only motivation I have for writing this is the hatred (ok, that was harsh) that is consuming my life, that I hold only for myself.

All that I really have to write is a quote. One that I stumbled upon while looking for something else. I will share because I like it, and because it gives me an excuse to blog. (Ok, I know that no one ever really needs an excuse, but have been in need of one these past few days.)

"....He said that fear doesn't cause running away. Running away causes fear. So if you hold your ground, you'll be brave. And that sadness doesn't cause crying. Crying makes us sad. So we should act the way we want to feel. And he said if that doesn't work nothing else will anyway." Andre Dubus - "The Lover"

Damn. Still nothing to run with. Ok. I leave short and sweet, no?

Some hope, I suppose

2009-01-03T12:48:00.002-05:00

So, yesterday I received a new magazine in the mail. "PB Teen" Ya, know that lovely, hip designer home goods place...The one with the pictures of perfect rooms that no one has, but everyone certainly wants. (I admit, I always have wanted one of the pretty rooms..)

Ok, but anyway. The cover has all of the now-ever-so-trendy question "What's important to you?" Including a peace sign and the smiling teenagers. Then when you flip open to the inside cover all of the teens are in a different pose with little bubbles surrounding their head answering that very question.

One girl replies(she gets to hold the peace sign here): " I care about the environment - it's essential to our future."
And all I say to this is 'gag me'
Another girl replies: " Recycling - I resuse bags and totes every time I shop."
Gag me, again please.
To mix it up a little I will add a reply from one of the boys: "I surf all the time, so the health of our oceans matters to me."

Yea, like anyone is really going to believe any of this. Talk about fake things. Ugh. giving me a terrible headache. I must say. All trendy and ridiculous ... no one really cares about any of this stuff. And when they say they do, they rarely actually do anything about it. But, I suppose I am one of the people that is holding everyone back, right?

But, Besides all of this (what happened to only posting short things?!) My favorite reply is: "My room because it's where I do everything."

Ah, yes. One girl does not care about some nonsense. She cares about herself and what she does...not trying to save anyone...just bein' herself. Well, sort of.

Maybe there is some hope for normalcy...even if it is just one almost hidden quote in some decorating magazine.

The Nerve of Me

2009-01-02T21:23:00.001-05:00

How could I possibly forget all of the hatred I have for the "New Year."
Whatever. It's just another day(s) with new numbers attached to them.
I sort of, almost got sucked into the hype.
And the only sadly-depressing thing I have to say is; WHATEVER.

I want it, I need it.

2008-12-31T17:39:00.000-05:00

I have a real goal for the next year. Yes, it is true. And I can only hope that I have the power,the perseverance to remember it once all of the hype of the New Year has disappeared.

Well, I have made a small, but oh-so-significant goal for myself next year -
to write something of significance that I have accomplished with every month that will pass ...Someway that I have changed, become a little bit smarter, learned some truths and falsities…etc, etc..I want to record something that I can look back on at the end of the year,and be proud that I have accomplished something in my life, at least one thing every month worth living for.

And, yes I am aware how much a burden this could become(and in fact how terribly, for lack of a better word, 'cheesy' it sounds)but all that I want is something small that I can remember,some sort of proof I will have of all the growth I know is (and has been) happening to me.

Obviously this requires that I actually participate in activities that are actually worth my while.Activities that push my limits and are worth doing, worth living through, worth remembering,the ones that make me feel alive ... Ah, still the naivete? Or the learning?

I could try and rack my brains about this past year (since it is the last day of 2008 and all).But, too much, too lazy. (I know no real excuse). I have been, in these recent months, overwhelmed with this new life I have been creating and/or realizing and/or believing for myself. One that could actually happen.Could actually come to life. This one that I thought was only well reserved, and forever settled, in my dreams.

And somewhere in the past four months I have made this decision to change and be something more than I am.And I remember the moment(s) where I have really stopped and realized,and I certainly mean this crazy paused-life-and-realized, that I can change this to what I want,to something amazing.

But then again, there is something that I must say ... I have realized that I need to back off, but give in more.I have to somehow find the balance between falling in too deep and backing off too much.

Ah, the complexities. The seeming contradiction, the paradox that this is. Beautiful, really. No, am I joking?

Should I try and summarize, highlight the best point? ... Maybe for once, I will see something I can make of myself, of my future...and even surrounded by all of the nonsense of celebrating the New Year,I will be able to change myself, to make something more happen.

Maybe for once I will actually, actually learn from mistakes, and "do it again" right.

2008-12-31T17:16:00.003-05:00

Ok, I admit....

2008-12-30T16:01:00.006-05:00

...that yesterday I went to Wal-Mart. I know, I know always I try to avoid this place like the plague, but some days I end up finding myself there. And some days I don't even know how or why I went in the first place...but anyway.

What I wanted to write about was the shocking discovery I had made within the aisles...

and also this...

Very similar pictures, but you understand right?
Valentine's candy in December?! What? I mean, what exactly is going on in this world? (Ok, I know this is not that serious compared to other things...but, it certainly needs to be adressed.) It is not even the New Year and already people are planning for holidays they aren't even certain will arrive?

Who knows what is going to happen tomorrow night? ... But, I think that candy will just sit there until about a week before V-day. Now people will speak of the craziness that putting it out this early is....The only people that are going to buy it now are the ones that just feel like having some candy...or the ones that are so depressed over the fact that they most likely won't receive anything from anyone on that day, so they will just buy it for themselves...

Hmm, I think that I may have lost my train of thought for this. But, if you can remember anything from this...just remember the absolute insanity of people...Always looking ahead and never just enjoying the moment...What happened to New Year's??

Happy 2009, anyone? (I mean celebrating that actual switching over of years...not just the events that are to come...)

Ah, the hopes...those lovely hopes.

2008-12-29T21:51:00.002-05:00

"If we didn't have our imaginations, where would our minds run?"
^Does this make any sense at all? I can only wonder, only wonder.

Another Christmas has come and gone (and I think that another New Year will come and go) and I am still as vague and abstract and unknown as ever. I still leave out details that others supposedly have. I feel, always, like I am forgetting to add some detail in that will just make me think "Ah, that is what I am missing."

And those are just the facts. ...Well those are the facts minus the concrete details that make up whatever I am supposed to be, whatever my writing is supposed to be. There is no concrete 'this happened and then this exact descriptive thing happened' ...and I suppose that is just me. This is just me...I mean, is it all really that important in some 'environments' (talk about a creepy sounding word) to have all the nonsense of my life displayed that I don't even want to think about? Possibly, after all the words to think about are 'the right environment' Hmmm...

Strange how every season, every year, passes and it all seems so fresh and new. And then the next one arrives...and what happened to the newness that we once thought was so great? This is life, yes? The arriving of the new and the passing/moving on of the old? ...of what once was? How sad...I mean, what really happens to all that joy that we had only the season before, the year before.

Ah, the wonderful end-of-the-year holiday time, how I just love all the happiness it is supposed to bring into my life. If only life were like the movies and the commercials and all the expectations that we always have before the fact, the event.

I think that I am headed into some problems if this fact is already causing me grief.

"And there's a change.."

2008-12-15T13:17:00.002-05:00

I hate my hindsight. I hate my ‘presight.’ I hate everything about seeing what I am not. I absolutely despise the fact that I can know what to say. I can know what I want to say…and then in the moment when the words need to come, they disappear. I hate everything about it.

I just hate the fact that I can dream up such a lovely picture of what I want to be, what I want to do what I want to say…and it never comes. When the moment finally happens…I always, and I do mean always, fail to deliver.

Is it possibly the fact that I think too much, prepare to much, about it all? That can’t be right, just cant. There really is no such thing as preparing too much, because you will always forget something. So, therefore you do more and more and more. Or, it could possibly be the fact that I prepare the wrong things. Yes, totally possible. I mean, maybe I have some sort of overconfidence that leads my mind astray and I am not really focusing on what I need to be focusing on to make all that is in my head a reality. Phew. Mouthful.

And now I get to the point that I am always at. I feel like I have answered my own question. I don't know if that is something good, or if it is the fact that I just don't know that I just don't know.

Sometimes, we are blind to all that we are(n't). We think we know, yet we have no idea.

"Try and understand..."

2008-12-14T18:06:00.003-05:00

I think that it is such a shame, that at some moments (some days) you are so inspired. You can keep writing and writing and writing without stop....and then others writing seems like the most difficult thing ever known to (wo)man. And these maniac writing days are unfortunately only a rare few.

Well, as I have said previously it is that time of the year again; Christmas. Some people I know are aware of the fact that I am insanely obsessed with the movie “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” I, in turn, am well aware that some people have some problems with this film. Or, that they simply just hate it. I don’t know lack of Christmas spirit or something...?

And some people go as far as to attack the film…attack little Rudolph and Santa and Hermey, etc (they are the only truly good ones in the film. Sure you could say Santa was quite rude to Rudolph in the beginning, but...) I don’t understand why they would even bother to attack it. I mean, look how adorable Rudolph is! ☺ … But, all that aside I have been recently become aware that one reason why people don’t like. I believe it to be a blasphemous, insane reason.…

Some person has claimed that a terrible act against the English language occurs right before the two youngsters, Hermey and Rudolph, sing “We’re a couple ‘a Misfits.” while they are just becoming acquainted. Hermey exclaims “ Let’s be independent together!”

Now this is some sort of disgrace to the English language. Some sort of oxymoron. It is teaching children bad things….blah, blah, blah. Of course all the children that watch this movie are going to remember these four words of this one song for the rest of their lives and therefore they will never be able to speak English correctly!! I can't think of anything worse than this, can you?

See, I think that you must remember the fact is it is a child speaking after all…why would he speak proper English? He is simply making a declaration to his new friend. He wants to venture off into the world and not feel so alone. Is there some bitter resentment from whomever brought up this defamation? I happen to think it is a heartfelt quote. “Let’s be independent together.”

Taking words and phrases out of context always, always, messes with their meaning, their true meaning. This movie is about the connection that Hermey and Rudolph are able to make amidst all of the (dare I say it) racism surrounding them. This is a joyous moment. Ok, done.

And, honestly if you are going to bring up something wrong with the song, why don't you atleast bring up the words that really make no sense... "We're not daffy and dilly/Don't go around willy-nilly." Now, that is better than blip of an oxymoron? (If you are going to attack anything at all...)

"Don't Tell Me..."

2008-12-13T17:03:00.004-05:00

I am wondering if it is OK, just ok, to know that you could be doing something better. I mean is it better or worse to realize your mistakes and know you could be doing something to fix them, yet you do not do whatever it is to fix them? … Or is it somewhat ‘better’ if you are in ignorance and do not do anything about it?

I mean, is it wrong/bad/evil to know you are doing something wrong, to know that there is a better way and you choose not to do the better? Out of fear and trepidation … or just pure laziness?

Well, you see this is my verbal inarticulateness. What I am trying to spit out is….Let's say, I know that I should be doing something like …. Oh, for example the whole 'I should study better' thing. Now, is it just ok ,that I know I should be spending my time more wisely and studying...If I am not actually participating in the act of studying more/better? Is just knowing OK? Is just knowing a 'step in the right direction?'

When does the line end for when you finally have to do something with what you are aware of for it to have any meaning? Or does the fact that I am not actually following with what I know make it all wrong? Because, in a sense, if I am not actually correcting my past mistakes I have not really learned my lesson, have I?

I mean, is just knowing something a little better than not? Is just knowing something better than – good enough- than not actually doing ‘it?’

Something that has been bothering me. I know, I read it over again and I only got an even bigger headache.

And, of course, it is never as simple as putting enough time towards studying. And it is something I don’t even know how to articulate. It just is….AHHH.

The thing is I regret things...I have read that makes me somewhat of a thinking person:

"Experience shows that someone with no regrets is someone with no inner inkling that he can do better. He cannot recognize his mistakes and remains attached to them, because he can’t see anything better ahead and so asks himself why he should give up what he has.”
- Carlo Maria Martini

And the thing is ... the surrounding text of this quote says that it is up to ourselves to correct what we do wrong. We must to grow and move on our journey, our life. Well, you could say that this answers my question...just being aware of how we should change does not really mean anything. We have to actually make the steps to correct ourselves...and then it means something, then it becomes profound.

Maybe all that this ever boils down to is the fact that I want some reassurance of that all I am doing wrong, is not so bad. Even though I know I should be doing more. ... I fail to take action.

"How you feel now will pass. Don't let it ruin your life."
-House

"It's the most insert word of choice here time of the year..."

2008-12-11T14:55:00.007-05:00

Yes, Christmas is creeping up. Closer and closer it gets. Ugh. That is all that I can say about it now. Sickness and rain and cold and Christmas just do not seem to go together. Even if there is some sort of something that Christmas is supposed to mean minus all that I am feeling at the moment. Some greater meaning of Christmas I should be remembering and not my little (quite large, actually) stuffy nose.

But, anyway that is not my point of this post.

Christmas time, for me, means that I have to put on my cute little 'baker' shoes. I am expected every year (and with every other holiday) to bake something delicious. Some dessert that, that I may not even want, but just one that others want (is that not what the holidays (life) is about? forgetting about yourself and doing something kind for others?;).

So, let's forget about the fact that I am losing the desire to continue on with this. Well, that is not really possible, that is my point for this thing.

This is what is expected of me this year (what was kindly suggested that I make):

Rugelach

Dough:

1 cup cream cheese

1 cup butter

1 2/3 cup flour

Filling:

2/3 cup sugar

1 tbl cinnamon

1 1/3 cup chopped walnuts

4 tbl butter melted

1 egg yolk beaten w/ 1 tsp milk

To prepare dough beat cream cheese and butter together with a mixer at medium speed until smooth and fluffy. Gradually add half the flour, beating at low speed only until blended. Stir in rmaining flour. Scrape dough onto a lightly floured work surface. Turn to coat with flour and divide into thirds. Shape each portion into a disk and wrap in plastic wrap. Refrigerate overnight.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line two large baking sheets with parchment.

To prepare filling combine sugar cinnamon and walnuts.

Roll one portion of dough on a lightly floured surface to a 12 inch circle. Brush with 1/3 of the butter and sprinkle with 1/3 of the walnut mixture. Cover with wax paper and press filling into dough. Remove wax paper. Cut into 12 wedges. Roll each wedge from its wide edge, and set rolls point side down on a baking sheet, 1 inch apart. Repeat with remaining dough, butter and filling. Brush the rolls lightly with egg yolk mixture. Bake about 30 minutes until pastries are golden brown. Rotate baking sheets top to bottom and front to back during baking to ensure browning.

OK, so. That is that. Easy, right? I don't know. I mean who feels like doing what is always expected of them? All this work and for what? To eat? What, who wants to do that?

And I remember so vividly the disappointment (possibly anger/outrage) that I received on Thanksgiving from people for not making/baking something to indulge their sweet tooth.

So, what? I didn't feel like it. I was lazy and I enjoyed it. This is what I thought that I wanted - to not be the person...the cute little girl who bakes cute little, delicious things; like a good, little girl. But, I think that without it I sometimes find that I like being that person. Because that is all I know who to be, who I was, who people like me to be. Venturing out on something different is always complicated, it is so easy to stay nestled in your nice little shell. One that you have always known to work so well.

I suppose what I am really trying to say is that I am still finding it difficult to break from the things that are expected of me. What others think that I should be. Whether I want it or not. I cannot break free and feel good about it.

Because, I guess, I will always have that time where I was innocently driving in the car with my mother and I asked where we were going. And she responded, "To the grocery store. You are baking a cake, we need to get the ingredients."

How do you break free from what you don't even know?

Even after all we've been through ( I could go on and on)

2008-11-30T16:25:00.003-05:00

Even after all I can say that I 'know' and all I have had (or, rather, experienced and still have) I for some reason still find myself wishing things were different.

Yet there is this little part of me (and I do mean little) that will not give everything up (I mean that beautiful thought that I could actually somehow go back in time and give everything up/start over, etc.) Just for the fact that there was those few beautiful moments that really do make my life worth something.

But, then again, that is just it. I know all this. I know it is supposed to be what I am supposed to be thinking + feeling + saying....yet, I don't really believe in it.

I think that I would actually give up/erase all the supposed good in my life - for a different outcome now...I am terrified that I really would give it all up.

But, then.....

A Re-blog #4

2008-11-30T16:18:00.001-05:00

Originally written November 27, 2008 10:55pm. Title: My totally awesome title was too long for this stupid thing!!!*

“I slept with faith and found a corpse in my arms on awakening; I drank and danced all night with doubt and found her a virgin in the morning.”
~Aleister Crowley, Book of Lies

I have read this quote over and over again and I just do not get it. I cannot grasp my mind around its meaning. Yet, it is like I am on the cusp of understanding it…but maybe my inability of understanding is what keeps me comin’ back for more… dot, dot, dot.

Here is my aftermath of recovering from a Thankgiving of awkward family time. All the conversations gone awry, with possibly a little too much food... dot, dot, dot.

The thing is, once we have worked so hard for some sort of recognition, of whatever it was that we were working towards. We just do not want it anymore. We lose some of that desire to keep fighting. We (well, it is ‘I’ we (I is) are talking about after all) feel like there is nothing left to work at. The recognition has come, that want for more has been realized, and that is that. What more is there left to fight for?
…Now that there are expectations of me, now that I must be , must do more than I thought I was able (but that I always imagined) what’s to happen? How am I supposed to be? Now that there is some sort secret revealed that must be maintained by ‘me’ – what/how do I handle what I know, what I have newly been told, without getting overwhelmed, without losing it? (and in many different ways can I lose it ).
I mean, sometimes(and yes only sometimes) I feel like all that we are working for is the attention of others. And, yes I know that sounds so terribly shallow. And yes, I know that is not the real (whatever that means) point of life, of what we are to do in this life. And we all (possibly) naively think is what everything is all about…but how many times can you say you truly felt as if you were doing something just for yourself all the time? The most important word in this sentence is all – or rather the most important phrase is all the time (hence the italics and all - who knows, I am surely lost.
…Then again, it is highly possible, as it always is, that I am just missing something, and I surely doubt I will ever find it. dot, dot, dot.

….We all say somewhat degrading things about ourselves simply to have people counter them. But nothing is worse than having them affirmed and not denied with the all-inclusive praise. dot, dot, dot.

I do not at all feel like writing now, now that I have said something ridiculous like, ‘umm…I write, I think, everyday, maybe’ and then got some dumbfounded look, and some sort of response, like, ‘what? where do you find the time? why? what exactly do you write?’ – Who knows, I never have the answers to these silly questions that people ask of me. And nothing, I find, is more frustrating than that. dot, dot, dot.

How do you verbalize those amazing short little rhythms within a song with no words that move you, those parts that are larger than any words within the song could ever be? I remember once reading the term ‘eargasm.’ I cannot recall the definition that went with it, but I believe it is pretty self explanatory. I remember the song that I first was listening to and said ‘omg; eargasm’ and, oh, what a beautiful feeling that is… ;)
It was Bad Religion ‘Skyscraper’ @ 1.50 ‘And neverrrr anyyy goood” It still gets me. Yet that part includes Greg’s lovely voice…hmm, doesn’t really help my need of articulating while there is an absence of words… gosh, darn.
I don’t really listen to BR that much anymore – I have moved on from my angst-y teen years - and, oh, what a pure sin. And to think how intelligent I thought they were. All those words in the songs I had no idea what they meant….so intelligent and beautiful. The songs were all so beautifully different, I thought it was simply a miracle...
I could go on and on and on and on about BR, but I feel it would get terribly boring to some reader, but oh, how happy I remember they made me….possibly some other time :)

*So here was what I was originally going to call this thing:
♪“if life makes you scared and bitter, at least it’s not for very long’ ♪♪*
(and the little * was going to be at the bottom of my note and say this:
* yes this is a BR song that I have recently been reawakened to, all thanks to my want of verbalization :D
... and it was all going to make sense so wonderfully, or so I had hoped! stupid facebook-not-able-to-write-a-long-title-thing!!!!

A Re-blog #3

2008-11-30T16:17:00.001-05:00

Originally written on: November 22, 2008 at 9:45pm. Title: The slow fade of love

How fascinating it is to know that in one moment we can make a promise and truly mean it...and then the next we can sincerely break that promise. With no intention to hurt another person. All because we just are not the same person anymore, and for some reason we cannot keep whatever promise we had previously made. We just change and this does not make us some sort of evil person. (then again, there are always exceptions to every statement/rule.)

It is not even because we are weak, it is simply because we change. From morning to night and blah, blah, blah. And this is just some fact of life…it makes us human . That is all we can be. Humans who do things, sometimes wrong and sometimes right. Most of the time (we all would like to think, I believe) all that we do is all that we can do, it is the most that we are able to do.

We just somehow have to accept our flaws and our shortcomings and move on from there. Accept that we are going to make promises we will never keep and that others are going to make promises on us that they will never keep – and it really is not such a bad thing. People just change from that previous moment...they are not the person who made that promise, they are not the person who was able to do whatever it is they said they could do. It is just that we are human.

So if this is all so simple to understand why is it so looked down upon? (that whole breaking of a promise thing?)

Why does a broken promise still sting so much? …

And then where is the line drawn to where a person really is just some jerk who keeps who says things they know , truly know, they will never do? How can you tell the difference? The difference between a bum and a human...ah-ha!

And, yet, while all this may be fascinating, I don't believe it will ever make it all hurt any less.

...then again, you can just stop expecting things from people, although I highly doubt that would be any easier.

♪♪"The slow fade of love
And it's mist might choke you
It's my gradual descent into a life I never meant
It's the slow fade of love" ♪♪

A Re-blog #2:

2008-11-30T16:15:00.002-05:00

Originally written on: November 20, 2008 at 9:50pm. Title: Should have been studying...

So...I was sitting in the library avoiding all of my homework as usual, when two women came up to me and asked me if I knew "I had a spiritual mother" ... well to begin with (because there are so many things wrong, or rather, puzzling with this 'event' on my Thursday evening) I will explain what I was doing...avoiding my homework like I said, but I was doing that by taking stupid pictures of myself with the (for some reason I have yet to know) really cool "Photo Booth" on my computer ;) and then I saw a hand start waving in the background...oops, got caught. I turned to my right saw two women (normal, nicely dressed women) and then I was bombarded with all sorts of questions....

They = CW (crazy women) and Me= Me.

CW: "Do you know you have a spiritual Mother?"
Me: "No."
CW: "Well, you do. It is in the Bible. People don't realize that they have a Spiritual Father and a Spiritual Mother that also gave birth to their soul."
(right about now is when I give my fake smile and think to myself that these women are absolutely insane, I just want to take some pictures. And 'I wish I was doing my homework right about now.)...
CW: "Do you have a physical Mother?"
Me: "Yes."
CW: "Do you know that you have eternal life?"
Me: "No." (I really wish I had said 'Yes, I know I am going to live forever' to this one... :)
CW: "Do you believe in God?"
Me: "umm, well...."
CW: "Have you ever read the bible?"
Me: "Just a little bit" (Why did I even bother answering this??)
CW: "Well you know your Spiritual Mother is in there? Could we please just show you one verse in the Bible?"
Me: "umm, no thanks."
(this is when I was starting to get a little more uncomfortable, and got to thinking that it was a little embarrassing to get caught taking those damned pictures...)
CW: "You will find eternal life through the Bible and your spiritual Mother. Please just one verse?"
Me: "No thanks."
... and here is my favorite part:
CW: "Ok, well what is your name?"
Me: "Danielle"
CM: "That's a very pretty name."
Me: "Thank you."

...And then they left. What a comforting thought to know that not even my school library is protected from some crazy people trying to force some sort of religious nonsense on me!! And what is quite strange is that this sort of thing happens to me all over campus...how frickin' crazy, man!! :D - I ever think that I tried to get recruited by some helpers of these people about a week ago, but they didn't get this far with me that time...

That is not really what got me frustrated about this whole thing....I always wish I had said something different, something cool and witty..."Oh, yes...Spiritual Mother? I met her the other day. We had some coffee and donuts and a lovely conversation." - I blame it on the fact that all I was thinking about was keeping my voice down because I was in the library (yes I know I naturally do that anyway, but whatever).

But, no what amused me the most about this situation was the fact that right before the hand started to wave in the background I was thinking: "I sure hope someone doesn't walk by and see me taking these stupid pictures of myself. That would be embarrassing"

A re-blog:

2008-11-30T16:13:00.001-05:00

Originally written on: Tuesday, November 18, 2008 at 11:39pm. Title: Never know...

Danielle fell in love with a poet tonight!
Who would have thought, she never really even liked poetry that much.
But the book in the library was just so adorable she had to pick it up and see what was within the pages.
The man's name is William Packard. The book is called "voices/I hear/voices."
The strange, short poems he writes, she thinks, are absolutely intoxicating.
The brevity of the poems was what drew her in.
She could not put the book down, she finished in a mere 10 minutes.
But she knows that what is within the lines of his poems will extend throughout a lifetime, will stay with her for a lifetime, and what a lovely lifetime it seems.
And what a way this man had of reading her mind, putting some things she has thought into a tiny little book.
She didn't know that know that someone like this existed.
But she is quite content that someone like this does exist.

And now she will stop rambling on and quote the foreword of the book:

"Most of us don't hear voices; we hear noises, and try to overlook them. William hears voices and writes them down. And well that he does. The sounds in our heads, in some sense at least, comprise the meaning of our lives.....Read and listen to William's voices, if only as a way of beginning to hear your own."
-Robert Lax

And now she will quote four of William's short, beautiful poems (at least, she thinks they are beautiful):

=

wander around
wondering what
will become of me

=

the flower
now she
shrieks for love

=

who will think
of us in
times to come

=

dear god do
guide me as
i strike doubt down

=

And reading them over now, they almost seem to have lost that spark. But she will remember what she felt in the first moment she read them, that sensation of: Fucking awesome, I think I am in love, with a poet; this must be what I have been waiting for.

*(and who knows why Danielle feels compelled to talk in 3rd person, but all that can be said is that she thinks it is quite fun! :) )

Nice to know ya'

2008-11-25T19:12:00.007-05:00

"Well, the thing is, I don't write, like, twenty page articles or something like that...I just write to write...and yea, I think that I do it everyday in little bits and pieces that eventually will add up to something, well that I hope will add up to something. Something that I just do not realize at the moment...."

Did you ever have one of those moments when you thought you had found something (either read or saw or experienced) that you thought was so profound you just had to share it with all the world. You could not believe what you had found, for it was so amazing. It was so wonderful. This must be the truth, this might be the right, this must be the answer. And then there is that sort of calm and relaxation, that rest like you have finally found some sort of answer.

And there will always be those people who you tell that think you are absolutely insane, that think you are crazy...but you don't mind because you believe that you have unlocked some sort of secret to the world.

And then there is that moment that happens some time after the epiphany. The moment when you realize that you really did go absolutely insane. Even though you hate to admit that the masses were right, they just were.

What you were feeling was only temporary. It could not last, just could not. Whatever you thought was the 'answer' was so far from it is inconceivable. And you just do not know what happened to you to make you go so blind.

But that certainly does not mean that you are a part of some homogeneous herd. It was just with this one instance. And you in no way regret the spell you fell under. It was certainly fun while it lasted, yet you are a little embarrassed. You just wish that you could know when you are falling under the spell of something ridiculous to avoid all of this drama. Then AGAIN it was an experience that you were glad to live. Oh, the drama.

So what exactly is the fine line between too much praise and just some sort of false hope...you are good, but you are not that good. (damn, I had some train of thought with this idea and now it is lost because I got too distracted from 'surfing' the web. :)

utter nonsense, I say.

2008-11-22T01:19:00.005-05:00

There really is something interesting about the fact of this whole bigger picture vs. everyday life concept…I just cannot articulate it at the moment. This entry has been so truly dirty, truly sloppy...

....My mind really does keep wandering, how terrible. So what I really want to get at is whether or not what is going on in the moment truly matters…those itsy bitsy things that we do everyday, that we see everyday, that we live everyday. Or, is the only thing that truly matters that ‘bigger picture’ thing I have heard about? Something to question. Should we care about the people that interact with us now? Or just know that someday it will all be better? Should we bother ourselves with the trivial of everyday? Or just know that one day none of that will matter?

After all, I mean what is really wrong with only looking out for yourself?And just living for that someday. That is the best that we can truly do for ourselves…in some sense, at least.

But, then again...they contradict, they go hand in hand, you can't have one without the other. (anyone hearing a 'Married...with Children' theme song in the background?) You cannot truly accept that you only have to worry about all the little things that we say and do in the everyday moment without knowing that all that matters is the 'bigger picture' in life. Because after all that is what it all adds up to. Those little things are so very important because we don't remember what we actually think is important, but the little words we think will be forgotten.

Life really can't really only be about that humdrum routine we shuffle through everyday (what we think is important). But, it has to be about the little interactions that add up...maybe I am wrong...

And also for the fact that there could be bad everyday things that we need not to worry and there could be those beautiful everyday things that we need to remember. Maybe you just have to think about it according to what is happening to you, you have to twist it according to your mood at the moment. See, then really what is the point about thinking about any of it? If we are just supposed to be greedy and make sure everything always works in our favor, what is the point?

Well I believe that both sides have strong, lovely cases. Yes, you should only care about the little things in life – those everyday things…that is what we remember the most. Sometimes those little things are so dreadful we don't want to think about them, so we therefore need to trouble our minds with something bigger....I suppose it just all depends on what you cannot control in the situation i.e. who you are talking to, what the circumstances are. But who wants to put their fate somewhere they cannot see it? Well,maybe that is just growing up.

Or I suppose you could just say, what does it matter if, in the end, it will all be forgotten?

I know that, at this moment, I give up.

say what you will...

2008-11-19T18:46:00.005-05:00

The child in me still finds it very hard to believe (and accept) the fact that time has to pass for us to heal. Why do we have to say goodbye to say hello to some sort of new life? ...To some sort of sanity in our lives? I mean sure, obviously if you want to change you have to rid your life of some things - but why does it always seem like you have to get rid of the things that you desire, the things that you wish to keep the most?

Life is full of these terribly stressful 'seeming contradictions' - paradoxes; or whatever you wish to call them. And I sure know that my life likes to fall under the every-frickin-thing-is-a-paradox category.

We always lose what we want the most - because we love it so much, we have to let it go. We are therefore able to let it go.All this really brings to mind for me is whether or not we really love what we have, what doesn't fall away from us...do we?

Oh, gosh another headache trying to grasp my mind over this nonsense.

uh-oh

2008-11-16T16:32:00.003-05:00

I think that I have done something bad. Bad to myself. Something that I thought I had learned not to do, something I thought I had learned from. Something that I thought I was over, something I thought I would never fall into again.

And to think, there was a moment when I sighed with relief. But now, the paranoia is back.

I mean, really…why do we like to put ourselves in situations that we know will only cause us that nice ‘ole heartache?

Uh-oh, for sure.

It's almost (the proper) time for Christmas music!

2008-11-13T19:35:00.003-05:00

Oh, how things change in a week...or how they stay exactly the same. I really have no point at all for this post, just felt like posting something...

Still confused as to what is the right balance between confidence, an extremely large ego and ignorance really is.

That somehow makes sense when you think about it. I have other words I could use there also, but I do not feel like thinking about them at the moment. Or maybe it doesn't, all I know is that it has been driving me crazy for some time.

Sometimes I choose not to use contractions when I speak and write, does that make me sound 'stuffy?'

la pioggia mi fa stanca.

I hate making plans...I never keep them, so why do I make them?

♪"I don't want to wait.."♪

2008-11-06T19:28:00.003-05:00

…Because I wouldn’t have been able to understand it then, but I understand it now. So now I have been opened up…awakened. And to think it took one small passage, no not a passage a sentence of five words…but, not exactly - that sentence was just the epiphany moment there was so much that built up to that…That sentence just came at a time when I would understand the words in a way that I do now; in the way that would help me.

That is what the wait was for. That impatient waiting. It almost feels like it makes sense now…everything eventually has a way of working out…but, as I have learned, I must not get too attached to this present state. I must not fall too hard, because as always in life, it is only something that is temporary and it will fade. Sure now is now and now may be lovely, but now cannot, and does not, last forever. So I must get attached to the memory, to the overall acknowledgment and realization of what has happened, of what I now know. Not the constant greedy feeling of euphoria I am in now….

…I must learn from past mistakes. – I am so thrilled I want to go scream at the top of a mountain, but what exactly? I get it now…I am all right, I am ok. I will get through it…it is all not that bad, really. I will be ok, believe me, believe in myself.…..
I always thought I have to wait for that day, and then I thought that there is not use in waiting for that day; we must make the day. But, the thing is, we must work through life for it to come – to see it, to realize it. We must not give up and be lazy. (ok, lazy is harsh but, umm, not productive?) We must fight through every day and simply know that one day it will come. We do have to essentially wait, but at the same time we must not wait and not dwell but continue to live. Something will come that will be worth all the work. And there is a difference between giving up and giving in. There is. Giving up is a loss of hope, giving in is the realization of hope; it is the acceptance of what you are, of what is in the world.

I must not forget the old friend "good things that come to those that wait" Have I already forgotten? Is this really true? How do I keep this thought with me and not lose the good that I can feel?

♪"I wanna do it right this time, yea..."♪

2008-11-03T15:45:00.005-05:00

...it's something that extends beyond words. It extends beyond articulation. And, yet, that is all that it is. Words and interpretation and articulation and proper placement. Oh, music, how you have this way.

say it

2008-10-31T22:00:00.002-04:00

I don't know.
I had this feeling that I should write (type) up a new blog, but - I don't know what to say.
It is Halloween. And I am not out all dressed up with somewhere to go.
I can say that I don't really like Halloween and that is why I (don't) do it.
But, like always, there must be more to the story.
Maybe I do like Halloween...no I don't just think of all that dread I had when we HAD to dress up in elementary school...I was so excited for the day when I got to middle school so I was not forced to dress up on 10/31.
The thing is, there is always something in the thought of it all. The thought of Halloween and all of the cool, creepy tales and whatnot that go along with it. All of the excitement and folklore (dare I say) that is within the holiday.....I just never fell into place with it all.
I will have to find a holiday all my own, that I truly look forward to every year.
And I thought that I would eventually get to a point where I would stop dreading the fall because school was going to start. And I thought that I would find that in college. But, the past two 'come September's' I have dreaded fall. So sad, Autumn is so beautiful, if only the pressure of this one thing was gone...what would then fill its place? Something else to dread? Nothing?
How sad. The story of my life.
But who cares. Life goes on, I will get over it, I think that I am already actually.....

mi piace il mio oroscopo.

2008-10-28T21:03:00.006-04:00

Edit: I am very silly. I forgot that, because the website I was reading was essentially 'from' Italy, it was already 'tomorrow' concerning that horoscope. So, this is my horoscope for tomorrow. Or, actually, today because it is now the proper (next) day! :( Sometimes, I just get it all wrong when I think it is all right...So does this mean all the excitement for this prediction is nonexistent? (I knew it was too perfect of an 'ending' to what I was feeling) We will see, I suppose....

This is my horoscope (for Wednesday, October 29), in Italian:

Giornata creativa e grintosa. Di pigrizia non se ne parla: affrontate subito i problemi e poi dedicatevi ai progetti. A sera, poi, pensate solo a risplendere di fascino!

Parola chiave : vivacità

I think that it means one thing. And I like very much what it is that I think it is, how I translate it. And so I am going to keep thinking that it is what I think it is. (was that coherent English?) Even though it was so wrong from what my day was. (well, maybe not - it just 'left out' the breakdown) But it was just about right on (umm, confusing?) to the point where I treasure what ever it is that I believe it to be telling me. Because it is simply an amazingly (?) lovely thought, a wonderful thing to think of what my life could be (is?). :)

I forgot edit out all the bad words: long on post, short on originality

2008-10-26T22:43:00.001-04:00

What a strange feeling it is to know that people recognize you. They know who you are, they remember you, etc. (well maybe there really is not 'etc.' there) I mean was that guy behind the counter just saying that simply because he is a conversational person and that is what he does? Am I simply taking this to some level it was never meant to go to? Is he thinking of someone else? How strange is it to become aware that people KNOW who you actually are. What happens now, in life, once we are opened up to whatever it is that we are - something that we never knew we were or ever could be. People think of you. People think of ME! How frickin' crazy, dude. ;)
Then there is always this lingering feeling that I have that maybe I am simply thinking too much of this. I mean, It was just some random happening while I was getting food. No big deal. But then again that is not all that I am really getting at here. I am getting at the fact that this is something bigger (hard to figure that one out, right?). This, as always with my wonderful life, stands for something I cannot articulate. Some other sort of metaphor to say that maybe I am not as invisible as I think/have always thought. Maybe I really am more than I ever thought possible. Maybe I am more than whatever I actually think that I am.
Then this whole thing about awareness comes into play. What happens now, now that I know, that I am aware? How go on living the right way to still be what I never thought that I was and yet be that better version of myself? Be that more 'confident' embodiment of what I didn't know I was,..to make it all work better? Why does it all have to be so difficult? I don't understand. And then there is still something that I feel I am not getting at. Like, what does this mean for me? I am really not this invisible person. I am really not whatever I thought I was - so am I ignorant to myself? But, mostly it has to do with the fact of - where do I go from here? How do I not let my thoughts run away with this? How do I be what I be - what is/was known; what is respected - with this knowledge. It is like some sort of pressure that is building, like I HAVE to live up to this because that is what people think of me. And how do I be this without letting them all down?
I almost feel, in a way, that I was better off not knowing because then I would have nothing to 'live up to' I would have no expectations. And the moment people expect something of you, or, rather, when you become aware you are something – you start to disappoint. As I said I would just be what I was 'being' and that 'be' it. I was better off not knowing because then I would not have this external - no maybe it is internal - distraction. Then again - maybe it is better that I am becoming aware of it because it is almost some sort of relief to know that I am not this invisible, unintelligent nothing. I just have to take all of this information and do the 'right' thing with it. But what is the right thing? Who am I to think that I am more than nothing? More than I ever thought? huh? Who am I to think any of that? I don't know.
The thing is I am just not fully convinced that this whole awareness thing is really where it's all at. I am not fully convinced that it is something to strive for, something to look for. Then again I am not fully convinced that living in ignorance, living in bliss, is really where it's all at either. So like always I am simply (ugh) stuck somewhere in the middle. Perpetually stuck in the middle - yearning to be on this side or that side - but not really liking either of those sides anyway. Then again, maybe there is some third side I am missing.
Then again, who really cares about what anyone thinks of you, IF anyone thinks of you.
Who really cares about anything at all really?

I believe...

2008-10-22T19:41:00.001-04:00

One of the many things of my 'past' that I have come across...if you cannot make yourself laugh, what fun is life?

I believe…
In sitting by the beach – in the cold – in the rain- in the sun - in the dark – alone or with someone you love;
In sticking with your stubborn side;
In starting all over;
In mistakes;
In writing against the lines;
In typos;
In forgiveness;
In healing;
In ‘silent’ time;
In not waiting for someone else;
In relaxing;
In naps;
In the ‘gut’ (those damned instincts);
In doing nothing;
In plans falling apart (that is when they become the most fun ;)
That silence can be worse that hatred – yet it is still sacred;
That just being (whatever that means) is as beautiful as we will ever be.

mean, mean, mean!!

2008-10-20T19:15:00.002-04:00

schadenfreude |ˈ sh ädənˌfroidə| (also Schadenfreude)
noun
pleasure derived by someone from another person's misfortune.

ORIGIN German, from Schaden ‘harm’ + Freude ‘joy.’

what I see

2008-10-20T11:28:00.005-04:00

It never ceases to amaze me how absorbed we (I) can get (or fixated, rather) on one thing - like, how I can go for days, weeks even, listening to the same song - over and over and over - and forget about everything else that is out there, forget about what else it is that I have.

It is so easy to get trapped (lost) in our own worlds - our own perfect, pretty bubbles in life that we create (or maybe sometimes they are not so perfect and we get stuck thinking that we will perpetually be in misery...) We all have this amazing (dare I say) ability to forget about everything else - to forget what other 'songs' the world has to offer.

haha. What a metaphor for life.

Just think of all that is out there left to be explored and undiscovered and understood and on and on...oh, my I certainly am in some mood today... :)

well...it happens

2008-10-17T20:42:00.002-04:00

Is there such a thing as being too aware of your life? Knowing all of your faults and knowing how you should live...too much? Can you really live the right way, and be real? Because when you are, it just seems too perfect. Like, how can you really know all of that, all of how to live properly?
You simply cannot live so perfectly, be so aware of what is right and what is wrong, be so able to not give a thought to the thoughts of others, be so unafraid of life (or not nervous) that you just live the right way - the way that we are all supposed to live, what we are supposed to live up to. No regrets and all of that. There has to be something missing in that outward perfection. I have heard that our flaws are what make us who we are. So, then what to the person who knows how to live without a care to any external distractions? What, then to the people who (dare I say like Socrates) who just let be, what be....?
Maybe it is just my jealousy. Maybe. Maybe I am so caught up in my lack of being able to live how I want to live that I cannot believe how anyone else could live in such a way - I cannot conceive of it. So therefore I need to look for the weak spots.
Who knows? I sure do not.

the dreams that exist...

2008-10-16T17:09:00.002-04:00

if ever there was a time that I thought writing was fun/I liked writing/I was quite good at writing/I could write - I was wrong. Well, wrong may not be the exact word I am looking for, I must have been delusion (I must stop all this delusion nonsense). Now I simply wish to give up any sort of "critical writing and/or thinking" in the academic setting that I find myself in. I am simply incapable of it, and I am starting to convince myself that some people just are not meant for some things...and that is that. Is that so wrong? No! Whatever. I like that word, too. Whatever has always been there when I need it ;)

I don't remember what I was getting at anymore...

I just do not know

2008-10-14T23:42:00.002-04:00

Simple is my word of the moment. nothing really exciting about it, it is just simply simple. I do not know why I have grown so attached to the word, it just happened...everything is simple, something is simply this or that, there is the simplicity of life (yea, right to that;) and on and on it goes....

simple |ˈsimpəl|
adjective ( -pler , -plest )
1 easily understood or done; presenting no difficulty : a simple solution | camcorders are now so simple to operate.
• plain, basic, or uncomplicated in form, nature, or design; without much decoration or ornamentation : a simple white blouse | the house is furnished in a simple country style.
• [ attrib. ] used to emphasize the fundamental and straightforward nature of something : the simple truth.
2 composed of a single element; not compound.
3 of or characteristic of low rank or status; humble and unpretentious : a simple Buddhist monk.
4 of low or abnormally low intelligence.

noun chiefly historical
a medicinal herb, or a medicine made from one : the gatherers of simples.

hmm...did not know that last one, as a noun, interesting... so I also feel like I am not doing/writing what I set out to do/write with this blog. I feel like I am not being as truthful or as honest as I had hoped....not to say that I have in any way lied on here, but just that I am not saying everything I could be...all of my truth.

'just' used to be one of my words of the moment a while back, I just like physically writing out the letter 'j' - it was lots of fun :)

I am crazy...sono un po' pazza!

2008-10-13T17:59:00.004-04:00

I wrote this on 4/27/08 at 11:48p.m. and I have no idea what I was talking about, sort of. Bits and pieces I understand, but mostly I think I was just going crazy blabbing about something rather silly....

"it is like I can think all these things that have the ability to drive me insane (I forget that they are simply things, or complexly, I suppose) and sometimes I find out that it means nothing I was driven crazy for no reason. how odd is that? the strange things that i can think of that mean nothing at all. well it is like the fact of my plants they seems healthy from the window but i was not about to let my eyes deceive me, they were probably rotting away all brown and withered at the ends and roots by now without water and all of that. and who would let them sit there like that? adopt them like that? that is so rude without the call to say something and the shoes too. how freakin' rude. they just kept the money and my six year old plants that i had invested so much in but i suppose therein lies my problem also, why on earth would i invest so much in something as silly as plants ? I could not tell you. how strange it is when people are up close. there is some kind of something missing when you put someone in their home, their place of residence and out of the outside world where you know nothing but what they put out. what they can fool others with. and then it is such an invasion. such a window of something new. something private when you enter the place that they sleep in . now there's nothing to believe."

thinking 'huh?' - so am I, anch'io.

yea, whatever

2008-10-13T12:49:00.002-04:00

I read that blogs are supposed to be 'short and sweet.' because, for some reason, that makes them more accessible to readers...well I think that is just...silly ( I will build my vocabulary...) every time that I start to write I have so much to say. hmm....

cogitate |ˈkäjəˌtāt|
verb [ intrans. ] formal or humorous
think deeply about something; meditate or reflect : he stroked his beard and retired to cogitate.

I am nothing if not redundant...

2008-10-12T19:47:00.002-04:00

yes, this song is in my profile...but I love it so much I must put a link out here also...
love can be hard to articulate at times...
Wolf Parade - "Shine A Light"

talk about ethical things....

2008-10-11T22:27:00.003-04:00

"Freedom is the obedience to God's law...you live up to your best self....doing whatever you want (with no boundaries/laws) is not freedom because, then, you have things inside of you that you are unable to control, things that take you over and you are therefore not free....living with an internal policeman is true liberation (with God's law we live up to our best self...)..."
And to think, I never really thought that much about God until these past few weeks. Amazing how others can 'enlighten' you, dare I say...
So, anyway. The whole internal policeman and the little anecdote that went along with it is what really got me to thinking. I remembered an incident where I was filled with guilt and forced myself to do right, and then one where I am not that sure if I was filled with guilt, because I never did the right.
I was in third grade, I was in love with sharpie markers (no I was not a young drug addict, yet I did like that smell...) Whenever there was a project in class that we needed to use a sharpie marker I got so excited. Or I constantly found excuses to use them ("I need to make my name on my quiz more visible.", etc..) This also reminds me of how in elementary school it seems that everyone was obsessed with 'white-out' and then how I tried to avoid it - to be the dissenter...go me! And then, in third grade I also remember how I was obsessed with writing those stories and binding the little construction paper books...I was so eager to share (odd for shy little me) Although I never really focused on the quality of those things - just the quantity...I wanted to show off, show how good of a student I was...I think that I still do that...Hence the whole "you seem very motivated." (but the whole thing with that is, sure, I do all the preliminary research but when it comes to actually writing, well...)
Anyways...what was I writing (blogging) about? Oh, right the sharpie marker...So, one lovely little third grade day we were doing some sort of project...you know all those silly teachers give to make time go by, ones that are supposed to help us indirectly 'learn' .... I cannot for the life of me remember what it was... The sharpie markers, all those pretty colors, were on some desk for us all to share and use freely. And I sly little, greedy child that I was wanted more sharpie than some silly school project would allow. I wanted more, more, more. (still do...I can never just appreciate something for the moment that it was, I have to take it with me and hold on to it forever, maybe I am afraid my memory will fail me...) So, I looked around to see if anyone was watching me, then I slid the sharpie in my desk. I had a smile on my face thinking of all the exciting things I would be able to do now that I would have a sharpie marker in my possession at my home, in my room...oh, the possibilities! So, blah, blah, blah a few days went by and I am sure I had fun...but then my guilt settled in and I felt so terrible every day I went to class and realized that I had stole something. I felt like I was going to get caught. (ya, know I think that I stole chalk one time, too. what was it with me and all these teacher-ly thing?) I felt like everyone knew my secret or that they would one day find out. So I made a plan...I was going to bring in the perfectly-purple sharpie and casually drop it on the floor and then pick it and pretend I happened to find it there...And that is exactly what I did. I can recall nonchalantly dropping the marker on the floor picking it up and saying to my teacher, Miss Mangel, "I found this on the floor." She thanked me, went back to her teacher duties, and I was obsolved of the evil that I had done. My internal policeman made me do right...Then again I almost think that maybe I did not give that pen back for the right reasons...Did I really think that I was wrong? Or was I just scared of getting caught? Is that the same thing?
I need to find new things to think about....

word

2008-10-11T22:17:00.000-04:00

candor |ˈkandər; -ˌdôr| ( Brit. candour)
noun
the quality of being open and honest in expression; frankness : a man of refreshing candor.

Starbucks: The Place for Talk, Interesting Talk.....

2008-10-10T12:57:00.003-04:00

Well, the strange things that happen when you are surrounded by strangers, in a town that, well, is close to a crazy city - full of complete strangers. (I don't know what makes an incomplete stranger...) It is amazing the impression that others give off. You can listen to a conversation they are having over the phone and make judgments...and then when they open up their mouth and talk to you, you have the same judgments it's just that you don't feel like such an eavesdropper. How powerful people can be is truly a remarkable thing. They can go to all these fancy-brand-name schools, be well traveled, and talented, and make lots of money, have an amazing resume and what not. Yet, they can be so fucked up (excuse me for that, but it was the only word that works here) with something as simple as their weight-their health (well I suppose that is not really simple) They can have such a crazy view of who they are and what they should be. Who wants to be some crazy work-out-aholic and miss out on life, on living, on simply being. (simple never applies to anything I say, does it?) It's like people have these brains filled with information but never the information on how to live a beautiful life. I mean, it is not like I know how to live exactly - in fact I am far from being able to know how to live...but there has always been something so wrong to me in this need to get ahead. The obsession for me. And I am certainly not above it - but I just always felt like there was more, well not more but different. And maybe I don't believe in happiness - but some sort of contentment is always at the back of my mind, one that I cannot define exactly....And then there is this part of me that feels like I should have gotten so much more out of this conversation/her talking on and on with this woman...but the only thing that sticks out in my mind is this crazy notion people have of their appearance of what they think they should be doing...and not doing - well, their life. Crazy how people can get trapped into a life they thought they had always wanted. When is it too late? When do we realize what is right?
Well, maybe I did get something more out of that...happening at Starbucks...to not let life get me down, to not be intimidated by anything, to not look back....to just do what I have always wanted to do because I have the oppurtunity - because I can and I want to...I do not want to feel stuck in my life anymore and maybe this chance happening is just what I needed to push through...to make me truly be - and feel like - this motivated person I am told I am...
perseverance, baby... ha! :) I think I like being crazy more than I should...

I like pictures of me...(myself?)

2008-10-08T18:31:00.003-04:00

Yes, ok. I am going to get doing things that I need to be doing now.

this needs to be added to the vocabulary of many more....

2008-10-08T17:50:00.001-04:00

nincompoop |ˈninkəmˌpoōp; ˈni ng-|
noun
a foolish or stupid person.

nevermind

2008-10-08T11:38:00.002-04:00

All right, I take back what I said yesterday. I got a bit ahead of myself, or, rather, full of myself and forgot about an important 'quiz' that I had this morning and forgot to do a little bit of the homework....so I was actually a very, very bad - unmotivated student. Well, then again I don't think that not studying and what not makes me unmotivated - just preoccupied. Yes. Still very bad. Very, bad. I am so upset with myself. But, I suppose this means I will just have to work that much harder to redeem myself, my intelligence. Oh, those constant uphill battles...

thought

2008-10-07T19:40:00.000-04:00

I seem like I am very motivated.
Well, I am told this, what does it mean?

...and suddenly it's cold outside

2008-10-06T18:12:00.005-04:00

oh, no my dear - it is 'ugg' season once again... non mi piace...
So, it is only the second day of my 'reemergence' (reawakening, rebirth, do-over, epiphany, Decision to be...) as a guitar player, and already I am frustrated and ready to give up. I was reminded what got me down to begin with, what made me stop. My fingers seem to not be the proper size/shape/up to speed that they must be. And there is that terrible noise that comes with not hitting the right note or the right string. But, I must be patient, I must forgive myself. It has been months since I have played and I was not all that good when I played every day for five years, so I cannot expect myself to be any good after not playing for over a year. You really do forget so much in such a 'short' amount of time, truly. I just wish to put it all in my head and make my fingers (and my wrist and arm...whatever other body part is involved) play it all so wonderfully beautiful! (haha I am tired, forgive me ;) I am too determined now, much too determined to give up. "I will persevere!" Oh, so much easier said than done, so much easier. It is somewhat more relaxed now that I don't have to be worried about weekly lessons, weekly tests and nervousness about not getting it all right. Because I always thought that everything outside of a classroom was much more enjoyable no matter how much you enjoy it. There is just less pressure, you just are whatever you are and however you are and that is that. I mean, I loved photography but I am not looking forward to taking another class...all that stress about deadlines and tests and blah, blah. But, then I am told this mirrors "real life" so... Am I just some delusional, lazy kid? Probably but I still believe hobbies are what are true passions are and if you try to turn them into something more they are no longer what they used to be. I don't even know what I am talking about anymore. I just know that I am frustrated by my inability to be what I want to be, and I also know that I will NOT give up, give in, this time. Well, strike that I will be all silly and whatever and forget about the word 'not.' I WILL continue on and force myself ( if I have to) to practice everyday, every-frickin-day!
HA!
Oh, how life can be all about persuading our minds, (and then sounding like some ridiculous self-help book...but I didn't say that...) but it all starts with a decision, our will, our desire for something - to be something more.
I will leave with those words ;)

well....

2008-10-05T16:36:00.002-04:00

So this morning was...OK. I woke up and it was raining, and that always has a way of setting me up for a bad day....I fell back asleep. Then I had to go bring my clothes to the laundromat....because the machines in these dorms make my clothes come out smelling worse than when they came in...it is truly disgusting - believe me. And the washing machine had to take over an hour to finish = me in a bad mood. I am in such an 'uneventful life' mood or whatever these days...I mean, honestly, who care about laundry...But, the 'big' thing that I did today was volunteer at the local museum. Some lecture about the media and the election and on and on that story goes. And I do feel like I have some sort of renewed hope, yet at the same time, there was some hope that i had gone....
The most fascinating thing no, no the most enlightening 'thing' that I got from the event has really nothing to do with the event at. No changed political views or any of that nonsense. I have decided to go ahead, truly go ahead and apply for the full YEAR abroad. In simple terms because I just want to, and I am blessed with the opportunity to be able to....And I feel the need for something more. When else would I get this chance? And if weren't to do it because of something like an extra semester....I would look back and say "another 4 months would have been worth it" I don't want to be with regret any longer. So I will take this chance. I will. And I want to go though with it, I only hope that my will is enough to make it all happen...

:(

2008-10-03T20:36:00.003-04:00

Sad smiley face. I don't know why. I don't know what to post, just felt like posting a post. Or, rather, posting a blog? I don't know the correct way to say it - who cares. I miss the beach. Still, I miss the beach. I thought that being away from it long enough would make that go away, but I suppose nothing will - there is something so magnetic about the ocean...
Nothing really great about the day. Minus the fact that it, for the first time this season, was one of those beautiful, chilly autumn days. I love those days. Autumn, I believe, really is the most beautiful yet most tragic of the seasons. Watching everything change is....beautiful, and so sad. But I always thought that if summer had to go Autumn is the perfect season to follow it...
blah, blah. I don't know what else to write, to blog. To sum up the day depressing financial talk, sad state of my place in this world, wonderful day to just simply relax and observe the beauty. Why can't that be done everyday? Sit back and relax and just be...what a lovely thought :)

the avoidance of homework

2008-10-02T22:00:00.002-04:00

I always thought that he word 'homework' would disappear from my vocabulary once I started college. Not because I thought I would have less work to do, (that is certainly not the case) but because that noun seems so.... high school. OK, so I sound ridiculous, never mind that thought for the moment. So, I think that I took a nap earlier...I don't know, I mean I remember lying down at, like, five and then it was just seven...but I remember the time in between as if I was not sleeping. Who knows just one of those weird boring days. That is all I can say. Well, during my one class, the religion one, I again had some sort of renewed hope and felt all...inspired for the day, and it was nice, so nice, so lovely. I never want to leave the words. I feel as if I need them to be said to me forever and always. And is that not a scary fact of life - that I still feel I need (I do) depend on someone's words to get me by. I don't know how to take them with me. How do you take that feeling with you? I don't know, I just wish that I had the strength, or the sense, to take all of that and use it for something better in my life. But, then again, what is really wrong with needing, or dare I say using, another's experience - their knowledge to help you get through your days? Is that not the point of life and each other - to help one another. Oh, how naive I can be. Oh, how my vagueness is so wonderful. Ha! I know what I am talking about and sometimes that is just all that I care about. :) So...lost my track there...hm, I don't know why I am doing so many '...' in this post...
I think that I may be turning into some sort of religious person from all of this inspiration I get, ahh, if only I knew how to take it beyond what I am at this moment....!

nope

2008-10-01T16:57:00.002-04:00

My excitement has faded so quickly...or it has just been temporarily hidden due to depressing information. Did not get the job, study abroad cost a lot of money, no money coming in...easy to put those pieces together... :(

sono eccitata!

2008-10-01T13:02:00.002-04:00

I am still ridiculously excited about 'blogging' (mostly because I had always thought of it as some foreign thing people do on the internet, then I looked into it) and I am still ridiculously excited about my study abroad program(s) (even if I cannot decide which one to go one, I figure it is a good problem to have :) and I have recently just started to get excited over the fact that David Cook, my AI fave, has just released his first single! It brings back memories of a mere few months ago when I was completely OBSESSED with him. I was a bit of a psycho, I will admit. But he made me feel so inspired. Oh, God I sound so absolutely cheesy and disgusting...but don't care! I mean, after all that/during all of that I made a decision to take out my guitar and practice, practice and to write, write some songs...and I started to and I wrote and then, like always, I got frustrated and stopped but...I have some sort of renewed perseverance to do it. And even if I have not exactly gotten back into the swing of practicing, I have written more ever since then, than I ever did... and I consider that an accomplishment...well if you want to call it an accomplishment. Mostly I am proud that I was able to stick with most of what I set out to do...I will get there one day. I am slowly (I know, pathetic me) realizing that most things in life just don't happen without effort. hmm, sad fact of life. But, point is I still have that hope for someday, which may not be the best of what I could think ... whatever. But going back in time and remembering what I was then, what I was thinking, what I felt - how passionate I felt - makes me feel so damn happy. :) Yes, happy is that not a lovely feeling?
I feel like I should be saying so much more about this, about all of my strange thoughts and how they were started and blah, blah but I think too much saying would be bad...the only thing that need to be reiterated is the fact that I felt I could go out and accomplish something I had always wanted to do, something ( I don't know what) made me think that I could do it, something made me actually put my pen to the paper, and my finger on the guitar...something. And I am so thankful for whatever decided to take over my brain... :)

Triteness

2008-09-30T20:08:00.002-04:00

So, something came up in class tonight about the age old argument of a how a man reacts to a situation compared to how a woman reacts to a situation. (vague, I know - hold on) It was said that, for the most part, men are more argumentative than women. Men are willing to have an oratorical battle and get all up in each others faces and women are more prone to stay quiet and (this is what got me interested) go home and write about their arguments. Now, it was said that usually these written arguments are said very well and blah, blah...but does this make me some sort of cliché? I mean, this seemed to speak to me. I know that in class I have this so-called terrible tendency to stay quiet and then I just love to go off and write about it. Hell, it is what I am doing at this very moment. I didn't sit in class and talk about what I am typing write now, I waited. Ugh!! And here I was thinking that I was some kind of special for being able to somehow communicate what I was feeling - even if maybe it came out too late. So, what? Now I know that this is some sort of standard practice among women? Well that is kind of putting all women in a stereotype, which frustrates me also about all of this. But....hmm lost my train of thought. I mean, I suppose I am just being selfish about this whole situation, this was supposed to be my thing. Sure, I know others did it, but... and it is not like I really have some desire to start some oratorical firework display in class next week to prove a point, I just feel exposed on some level. Then again it could be something good. That my efforts and abilities do not go on unnoticed and I am not trying to turn this into some kind of feminist argument - at all. That is not my point, like I said I am being completely selfish in this situation. How the hell do I fit in, do I stand out after this method of letting out feelings in writing and blah, blah was already on display?? I do not think I am explaining this properly at the moment, maybe, because I am too close to the situation. I might think about it more "objectively" later on and sort through it all again, but for now...Devo studiare Italiano! :)

And I'm off....

2008-09-30T15:05:00.002-04:00

This is my first blog!! I don't really know what I am doing. All I know is that I want to write something somewhere where I am not the only one who has the possibility of reading whatever it is that I write. So, I suppose this should be the start of something exciting :) I will try to fight whenever I get stuck in one of my uncreative, unable-to-share-my-thoughts ruts...but I cannot make any promises. So, again, here is my attempt at trying to show what goes on in my mind, what I happen to think very important, and maybe it will important to someone, anyone out there willing to read. I feel like there is really nothing else left to say at the moment...this is simply my starting blog post..and that is all that needs to be said for now. Yes, only for now.