Notes From the Dishwasher

Every now and then I get a bit of a flash from a past moment in my life. I don't exactly know why, but it happens and it happens to you, too.

One of the most recent ones was while I was putting the dishes in the dishwasher. I was reminded of the fact that I had a few, uhm, 'mean girl' moments when I was younger.

You know, being friends with someone one day and then planning to give them and eye roll and a cold shoulder in the hall the next because you've miraculously decided they are too lame within a split second of clear thoughts.

The one in particular that I remember gives me a shudder when I think of the look on the other girl's face as she was highly confused by my snubbing of her for no apparent reason on that particular day *shudder* *wince* *etc.* (surely I was justified though)

And let's face I never was/would be that popular and I knew it. So who knows where these snotty little moments came from. A right of passage perhaps? (quite a ridiculous one if you boil it down to that, eh) And I never wanted to be, mean, but there was just something so intriguing with turning the other way and saying something cruel on the organized double line to lunch.

Thinking about it now if I had decided to act differently I don't think I would have remained friends with this particular person. We were quite different, not in the embrace difference sense, but in the you're crazy and I'm not sense. And, let's face it, not everybody is meant to be friends with everybody and I don't care what your teacher said and what those signs on the wall of the classroom told you. But, I'm not searching for an excuse for my behavior here.

And thinking about it now I would just like to go back and give that little girl a hug, and let's face it I'm not that big on the hug thing but a hug to a little girl who is completely confused by the absurdity of her said friend, I could do.
And all those other kids we thought were too un-cool to infamously "like" Vinnie, TJ, Colin too fat, too skinny farts too much, whatever it was, how silly it all seems now.

And perhaps they have forgotten about the moment that I affected their lives, maybe not. What it all means now I couldn't tell ya. Perhaps they have the 'better life'(doubt it, that's highly subjective) perhaps they are haunted by my words/think I'm a total jerk.

My actions seem odd to me now because I don't think of myself as the kind of person who could ever do that. And, yes, I regret these things. (only slightly, because then again I am one of those what-you-do-makes-you-who-are-in-every-way-shape-and-form type of people)

But, as always I am oddly happy with the things that I regret now, the things that make me cringe, the things that I would all do differently now. Because, for me, that means that I have learned something in this here life. And the moment you realize you've learned a little something is a pretty damn good moment when you're always walking around thinking you'll never learn anything.