Even after all I can say that I 'know' and all I have had (or, rather, experienced and still have) I for some reason still find myself wishing things were different.
Yet there is this little part of me (and I do mean little) that will not give everything up (I mean that beautiful thought that I could actually somehow go back in time and give everything up/start over, etc.) Just for the fact that there was those few beautiful moments that really do make my life worth something.
But, then again, that is just it. I know all this. I know it is supposed to be what I am supposed to be thinking + feeling + saying....yet, I don't really believe in it.
I think that I would actually give up/erase all the supposed good in my life - for a different outcome now...I am terrified that I really would give it all up.
But, then.....
Sunday, November 30, 2008
A Re-blog #4
Originally written November 27, 2008 10:55pm. Title: My totally awesome title was too long for this stupid thing!!!*
“I slept with faith and found a corpse in my arms on awakening; I drank and danced all night with doubt and found her a virgin in the morning.”
~Aleister Crowley, Book of Lies
I have read this quote over and over again and I just do not get it. I cannot grasp my mind around its meaning. Yet, it is like I am on the cusp of understanding it…but maybe my inability of understanding is what keeps me comin’ back for more… dot, dot, dot.
Here is my aftermath of recovering from a Thankgiving of awkward family time. All the conversations gone awry, with possibly a little too much food... dot, dot, dot.
The thing is, once we have worked so hard for some sort of recognition, of whatever it was that we were working towards. We just do not want it anymore. We lose some of that desire to keep fighting. We (well, it is ‘I’ we (I is) are talking about after all) feel like there is nothing left to work at. The recognition has come, that want for more has been realized, and that is that. What more is there left to fight for?
…Now that there are expectations of me, now that I must be , must do more than I thought I was able (but that I always imagined) what’s to happen? How am I supposed to be? Now that there is some sort secret revealed that must be maintained by ‘me’ – what/how do I handle what I know, what I have newly been told, without getting overwhelmed, without losing it? (and in many different ways can I lose it ).
I mean, sometimes(and yes only sometimes) I feel like all that we are working for is the attention of others. And, yes I know that sounds so terribly shallow. And yes, I know that is not the real (whatever that means) point of life, of what we are to do in this life. And we all (possibly) naively think is what everything is all about…but how many times can you say you truly felt as if you were doing something just for yourself all the time? The most important word in this sentence is all – or rather the most important phrase is all the time (hence the italics and all - who knows, I am surely lost.
…Then again, it is highly possible, as it always is, that I am just missing something, and I surely doubt I will ever find it. dot, dot, dot.
….We all say somewhat degrading things about ourselves simply to have people counter them. But nothing is worse than having them affirmed and not denied with the all-inclusive praise. dot, dot, dot.
I do not at all feel like writing now, now that I have said something ridiculous like, ‘umm…I write, I think, everyday, maybe’ and then got some dumbfounded look, and some sort of response, like, ‘what? where do you find the time? why? what exactly do you write?’ – Who knows, I never have the answers to these silly questions that people ask of me. And nothing, I find, is more frustrating than that. dot, dot, dot.
How do you verbalize those amazing short little rhythms within a song with no words that move you, those parts that are larger than any words within the song could ever be? I remember once reading the term ‘eargasm.’ I cannot recall the definition that went with it, but I believe it is pretty self explanatory. I remember the song that I first was listening to and said ‘omg; eargasm’ and, oh, what a beautiful feeling that is… ;)
It was Bad Religion ‘Skyscraper’ @ 1.50 ‘And neverrrr anyyy goood” It still gets me. Yet that part includes Greg’s lovely voice…hmm, doesn’t really help my need of articulating while there is an absence of words… gosh, darn.
I don’t really listen to BR that much anymore – I have moved on from my angst-y teen years - and, oh, what a pure sin. And to think how intelligent I thought they were. All those words in the songs I had no idea what they meant….so intelligent and beautiful. The songs were all so beautifully different, I thought it was simply a miracle...
I could go on and on and on and on about BR, but I feel it would get terribly boring to some reader, but oh, how happy I remember they made me….possibly some other time :)
*So here was what I was originally going to call this thing:
♪“if life makes you scared and bitter, at least it’s not for very long’ ♪♪*
(and the little * was going to be at the bottom of my note and say this:
* yes this is a BR song that I have recently been reawakened to, all thanks to my want of verbalization :D
... and it was all going to make sense so wonderfully, or so I had hoped! stupid facebook-not-able-to-write-a-long-title-thing!!!!
“I slept with faith and found a corpse in my arms on awakening; I drank and danced all night with doubt and found her a virgin in the morning.”
~Aleister Crowley, Book of Lies
I have read this quote over and over again and I just do not get it. I cannot grasp my mind around its meaning. Yet, it is like I am on the cusp of understanding it…but maybe my inability of understanding is what keeps me comin’ back for more… dot, dot, dot.
Here is my aftermath of recovering from a Thankgiving of awkward family time. All the conversations gone awry, with possibly a little too much food... dot, dot, dot.
The thing is, once we have worked so hard for some sort of recognition, of whatever it was that we were working towards. We just do not want it anymore. We lose some of that desire to keep fighting. We (well, it is ‘I’ we (I is) are talking about after all) feel like there is nothing left to work at. The recognition has come, that want for more has been realized, and that is that. What more is there left to fight for?
…Now that there are expectations of me, now that I must be , must do more than I thought I was able (but that I always imagined) what’s to happen? How am I supposed to be? Now that there is some sort secret revealed that must be maintained by ‘me’ – what/how do I handle what I know, what I have newly been told, without getting overwhelmed, without losing it? (and in many different ways can I lose it ).
I mean, sometimes(and yes only sometimes) I feel like all that we are working for is the attention of others. And, yes I know that sounds so terribly shallow. And yes, I know that is not the real (whatever that means) point of life, of what we are to do in this life. And we all (possibly) naively think is what everything is all about…but how many times can you say you truly felt as if you were doing something just for yourself all the time? The most important word in this sentence is all – or rather the most important phrase is all the time (hence the italics and all - who knows, I am surely lost.
…Then again, it is highly possible, as it always is, that I am just missing something, and I surely doubt I will ever find it. dot, dot, dot.
….We all say somewhat degrading things about ourselves simply to have people counter them. But nothing is worse than having them affirmed and not denied with the all-inclusive praise. dot, dot, dot.
I do not at all feel like writing now, now that I have said something ridiculous like, ‘umm…I write, I think, everyday, maybe’ and then got some dumbfounded look, and some sort of response, like, ‘what? where do you find the time? why? what exactly do you write?’ – Who knows, I never have the answers to these silly questions that people ask of me. And nothing, I find, is more frustrating than that. dot, dot, dot.
How do you verbalize those amazing short little rhythms within a song with no words that move you, those parts that are larger than any words within the song could ever be? I remember once reading the term ‘eargasm.’ I cannot recall the definition that went with it, but I believe it is pretty self explanatory. I remember the song that I first was listening to and said ‘omg; eargasm’ and, oh, what a beautiful feeling that is… ;)
It was Bad Religion ‘Skyscraper’ @ 1.50 ‘And neverrrr anyyy goood” It still gets me. Yet that part includes Greg’s lovely voice…hmm, doesn’t really help my need of articulating while there is an absence of words… gosh, darn.
I don’t really listen to BR that much anymore – I have moved on from my angst-y teen years - and, oh, what a pure sin. And to think how intelligent I thought they were. All those words in the songs I had no idea what they meant….so intelligent and beautiful. The songs were all so beautifully different, I thought it was simply a miracle...
I could go on and on and on and on about BR, but I feel it would get terribly boring to some reader, but oh, how happy I remember they made me….possibly some other time :)
♪“if life makes you scared and bitter, at least it’s not for very long’ ♪♪*
(and the little * was going to be at the bottom of my note and say this:
* yes this is a BR song that I have recently been reawakened to, all thanks to my want of verbalization :D
... and it was all going to make sense so wonderfully, or so I had hoped! stupid facebook-not-able-to-write
A Re-blog #3
Originally written on: November 22, 2008 at 9:45pm. Title: The slow fade of love
How fascinating it is to know that in one moment we can make a promise and truly mean it...and then the next we can sincerely break that promise. With no intention to hurt another person. All because we just are not the same person anymore, and for some reason we cannot keep whatever promise we had previously made. We just change and this does not make us some sort of evil person. (then again, there are always exceptions to every statement/rule.)
It is not even because we are weak, it is simply because we change. From morning to night and blah, blah, blah. And this is just some fact of life…it makes us human . That is all we can be. Humans who do things, sometimes wrong and sometimes right. Most of the time (we all would like to think, I believe) all that we do is all that we can do, it is the most that we are able to do.
We just somehow have to accept our flaws and our shortcomings and move on from there. Accept that we are going to make promises we will never keep and that others are going to make promises on us that they will never keep – and it really is not such a bad thing. People just change from that previous moment...they are not the person who made that promise, they are not the person who was able to do whatever it is they said they could do. It is just that we are human.
So if this is all so simple to understand why is it so looked down upon? (that whole breaking of a promise thing?)
Why does a broken promise still sting so much? …
And then where is the line drawn to where a person really is just some jerk who keeps who says things they know , truly know, they will never do? How can you tell the difference? The difference between a bum and a human...ah-ha!
And, yet, while all this may be fascinating, I don't believe it will ever make it all hurt any less.
...then again, you can just stop expecting things from people, although I highly doubt that would be any easier.
♪♪"The slow fade of love
And it's mist might choke you
It's my gradual descent into a life I never meant
It's the slow fade of love" ♪♪
How fascinating it is to know that in one moment we can make a promise and truly mean it...and then the next we can sincerely break that promise. With no intention to hurt another person. All because we just are not the same person anymore, and for some reason we cannot keep whatever promise we had previously made. We just change and this does not make us some sort of evil person. (then again, there are always exceptions to every statement/rule.)
It is not even because we are weak, it is simply because we change. From morning to night and blah, blah, blah. And this is just some fact of life…it makes us human . That is all we can be. Humans who do things, sometimes wrong and sometimes right. Most of the time (we all would like to think, I believe) all that we do is all that we can do, it is the most that we are able to do.
We just somehow have to accept our flaws and our shortcomings and move on from there. Accept that we are going to make promises we will never keep and that others are going to make promises on us that they will never keep – and it really is not such a bad thing. People just change from that previous moment...they are not the person who made that promise, they are not the person who was able to do whatever it is they said they could do. It is just that we are human.
So if this is all so simple to understand why is it so looked down upon? (that whole breaking of a promise thing?)
Why does a broken promise still sting so much? …
And then where is the line drawn to where a person really is just some jerk who keeps who says things they know , truly know, they will never do? How can you tell the difference? The difference between a bum and a human...ah-ha!
And, yet, while all this may be fascinating, I don't believe it will ever make it all hurt any less.
...then again, you can just stop expecting things from people, although I highly doubt that would be any easier.
♪♪"The slow fade of love
And it's mist might choke you
It's my gradual descent into a life I never meant
It's the slow fade of love" ♪♪
A Re-blog #2:
Originally written on: November 20, 2008 at 9:50pm. Title: Should have been studying...
So...I was sitting in the library avoiding all of my homework as usual, when two women came up to me and asked me if I knew "I had a spiritual mother" ... well to begin with (because there are so many things wrong, or rather, puzzling with this 'event' on my Thursday evening) I will explain what I was doing...avoiding my homework like I said, but I was doing that by taking stupid pictures of myself with the (for some reason I have yet to know) really cool "Photo Booth" on my computer ;) and then I saw a hand start waving in the background...oops, got caught. I turned to my right saw two women (normal, nicely dressed women) and then I was bombarded with all sorts of questions....
They = CW (crazy women) and Me= Me.
CW: "Do you know you have a spiritual Mother?"
Me: "No."
CW: "Well, you do. It is in the Bible. People don't realize that they have a Spiritual Father and a Spiritual Mother that also gave birth to their soul."
(right about now is when I give my fake smile and think to myself that these women are absolutely insane, I just want to take some pictures. And 'I wish I was doing my homework right about now.)...
CW: "Do you have a physical Mother?"
Me: "Yes."
CW: "Do you know that you have eternal life?"
Me: "No." (I really wish I had said 'Yes, I know I am going to live forever' to this one... :)
CW: "Do you believe in God?"
Me: "umm, well...."
CW: "Have you ever read the bible?"
Me: "Just a little bit" (Why did I even bother answering this??)
CW: "Well you know your Spiritual Mother is in there? Could we please just show you one verse in the Bible?"
Me: "umm, no thanks."
(this is when I was starting to get a little more uncomfortable, and got to thinking that it was a little embarrassing to get caught taking those damned pictures...)
CW: "You will find eternal life through the Bible and your spiritual Mother. Please just one verse?"
Me: "No thanks."
... and here is my favorite part:
CW: "Ok, well what is your name?"
Me: "Danielle"
CM: "That's a very pretty name."
Me: "Thank you."
...And then they left. What a comforting thought to know that not even my school library is protected from some crazy people trying to force some sort of religious nonsense on me!! And what is quite strange is that this sort of thing happens to me all over campus...how frickin' crazy, man!! :D - I ever think that I tried to get recruited by some helpers of these people about a week ago, but they didn't get this far with me that time...
That is not really what got me frustrated about this whole thing....I always wish I had said something different, something cool and witty..."Oh, yes...Spiritual Mother? I met her the other day. We had some coffee and donuts and a lovely conversation." - I blame it on the fact that all I was thinking about was keeping my voice down because I was in the library (yes I know I naturally do that anyway, but whatever).
But, no what amused me the most about this situation was the fact that right before the hand started to wave in the background I was thinking: "I sure hope someone doesn't walk by and see me taking these stupid pictures of myself. That would be embarrassing"
A re-blog:
Originally written on: Tuesday, November 18, 2008 at 11:39pm. Title: Never know...
Danielle fell in love with a poet tonight!
Who would have thought, she never really even liked poetry that much.
But the book in the library was just so adorable she had to pick it up and see what was within the pages.
The man's name is William Packard. The book is called "voices/I hear/voices."
The strange, short poems he writes, she thinks, are absolutely intoxicating.
The brevity of the poems was what drew her in.
She could not put the book down, she finished in a mere 10 minutes.
But she knows that what is within the lines of his poems will extend throughout a lifetime, will stay with her for a lifetime, and what a lovely lifetime it seems.
And what a way this man had of reading her mind, putting some things she has thought into a tiny little book.
She didn't know that know that someone like this existed.
But she is quite content that someone like this does exist.
And now she will stop rambling on and quote the foreword of the book:
"Most of us don't hear voices; we hear noises, and try to overlook them. William hears voices and writes them down. And well that he does. The sounds in our heads, in some sense at least, comprise the meaning of our lives.....Read and listen to William's voices, if only as a way of beginning to hear your own."
-Robert Lax
And now she will quote four of William's short, beautiful poems (at least, she thinks they are beautiful):
=
wander around
wondering what
will become of me
=
the flower
now she
shrieks for love
=
who will think
of us in
times to come
=
dear god do
guide me as
i strike doubt down
=
And reading them over now, they almost seem to have lost that spark. But she will remember what she felt in the first moment she read them, that sensation of: Fucking awesome, I think I am in love, with a poet; this must be what I have been waiting for.
*(and who knows why Danielle feels compelled to talk in 3rd person, but all that can be said is that she thinks it is quite fun! :) )
Danielle fell in love with a poet tonight!
Who would have thought, she never really even liked poetry that much.
But the book in the library was just so adorable she had to pick it up and see what was within the pages.
The man's name is William Packard. The book is called "voices/I hear/voices."
The strange, short poems he writes, she thinks, are absolutely intoxicating.
The brevity of the poems was what drew her in.
She could not put the book down, she finished in a mere 10 minutes.
But she knows that what is within the lines of his poems will extend throughout a lifetime, will stay with her for a lifetime, and what a lovely lifetime it seems.
And what a way this man had of reading her mind, putting some things she has thought into a tiny little book.
She didn't know that know that someone like this existed.
But she is quite content that someone like this does exist.
And now she will stop rambling on and quote the foreword of the book:
"Most of us don't hear voices; we hear noises, and try to overlook them. William hears voices and writes them down. And well that he does. The sounds in our heads, in some sense at least, comprise the meaning of our lives.....Read and listen to William's voices, if only as a way of beginning to hear your own."
-Robert Lax
And now she will quote four of William's short, beautiful poems (at least, she thinks they are beautiful):
=
wander around
wondering what
will become of me
=
the flower
now she
shrieks for love
=
who will think
of us in
times to come
=
dear god do
guide me as
i strike doubt down
=
And reading them over now, they almost seem to have lost that spark. But she will remember what she felt in the first moment she read them, that sensation of: Fucking awesome, I think I am in love, with a poet; this must be what I have been waiting for.
*(and who knows why Danielle feels compelled to talk in 3rd person, but all that can be said is that she thinks it is quite fun! :) )
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Nice to know ya'
"Well, the thing is, I don't write, like, twenty page articles or something like that...I just write to write...and yea, I think that I do it everyday in little bits and pieces that eventually will add up to something, well that I hope will add up to something. Something that I just do not realize at the moment...."
Did you ever have one of those moments when you thought you had found something (either read or saw or experienced) that you thought was so profound you just had to share it with all the world. You could not believe what you had found, for it was so amazing. It was so wonderful. This must be the truth, this might be the right, this must be the answer. And then there is that sort of calm and relaxation, that rest like you have finally found some sort of answer.
And there will always be those people who you tell that think you are absolutely insane, that think you are crazy...but you don't mind because you believe that you have unlocked some sort of secret to the world.
And then there is that moment that happens some time after the epiphany. The moment when you realize that you really did go absolutely insane. Even though you hate to admit that the masses were right, they just were.
What you were feeling was only temporary. It could not last, just could not. Whatever you thought was the 'answer' was so far from it is inconceivable. And you just do not know what happened to you to make you go so blind.
But that certainly does not mean that you are a part of some homogeneous herd. It was just with this one instance. And you in no way regret the spell you fell under. It was certainly fun while it lasted, yet you are a little embarrassed. You just wish that you could know when you are falling under the spell of something ridiculous to avoid all of this drama. Then AGAIN it was an experience that you were glad to live. Oh, the drama.
So what exactly is the fine line between too much praise and just some sort of false hope...you are good, but you are not that good. (damn, I had some train of thought with this idea and now it is lost because I got too distracted from 'surfing' the web. :)
Did you ever have one of those moments when you thought you had found something (either read or saw or experienced) that you thought was so profound you just had to share it with all the world. You could not believe what you had found, for it was so amazing. It was so wonderful. This must be the truth, this might be the right, this must be the answer. And then there is that sort of calm and relaxation, that rest like you have finally found some sort of answer.
And there will always be those people who you tell that think you are absolutely insane, that think you are crazy...but you don't mind because you believe that you have unlocked some sort of secret to the world.
And then there is that moment that happens some time after the epiphany. The moment when you realize that you really did go absolutely insane. Even though you hate to admit that the masses were right, they just were.
What you were feeling was only temporary. It could not last, just could not. Whatever you thought was the 'answer' was so far from it is inconceivable. And you just do not know what happened to you to make you go so blind.
But that certainly does not mean that you are a part of some homogeneous herd. It was just with this one instance. And you in no way regret the spell you fell under. It was certainly fun while it lasted, yet you are a little embarrassed. You just wish that you could know when you are falling under the spell of something ridiculous to avoid all of this drama. Then AGAIN it was an experience that you were glad to live. Oh, the drama.
So what exactly is the fine line between too much praise and just some sort of false hope...you are good, but you are not that good. (damn, I had some train of thought with this idea and now it is lost because I got too distracted from 'surfing' the web. :)
Saturday, November 22, 2008
utter nonsense, I say.
There really is something interesting about the fact of this whole bigger picture vs. everyday life concept…I just cannot articulate it at the moment. This entry has been so truly dirty, truly sloppy...
....My mind really does keep wandering, how terrible. So what I really want to get at is whether or not what is going on in the moment truly matters…those itsy bitsy things that we do everyday, that we see everyday, that we live everyday. Or, is the only thing that truly matters that ‘bigger picture’ thing I have heard about? Something to question. Should we care about the people that interact with us now? Or just know that someday it will all be better? Should we bother ourselves with the trivial of everyday? Or just know that one day none of that will matter?
After all, I mean what is really wrong with only looking out for yourself?And just living for that someday. That is the best that we can truly do for ourselves…in some sense, at least.
But, then again...they contradict, they go hand in hand, you can't have one without the other. (anyone hearing a 'Married...with Children' theme song in the background?) You cannot truly accept that you only have to worry about all the little things that we say and do in the everyday moment without knowing that all that matters is the 'bigger picture' in life. Because after all that is what it all adds up to. Those little things are so very important because we don't remember what we actually think is important, but the little words we think will be forgotten.
Life really can't really only be about that humdrum routine we shuffle through everyday (what we think is important). But, it has to be about the little interactions that add up...maybe I am wrong...
And also for the fact that there could be bad everyday things that we need not to worry and there could be those beautiful everyday things that we need to remember. Maybe you just have to think about it according to what is happening to you, you have to twist it according to your mood at the moment. See, then really what is the point about thinking about any of it? If we are just supposed to be greedy and make sure everything always works in our favor, what is the point?
Well I believe that both sides have strong, lovely cases. Yes, you should only care about the little things in life – those everyday things…that is what we remember the most. Sometimes those little things are so dreadful we don't want to think about them, so we therefore need to trouble our minds with something bigger....I suppose it just all depends on what you cannot control in the situation i.e. who you are talking to, what the circumstances are. But who wants to put their fate somewhere they cannot see it? Well,maybe that is just growing up.
Or I suppose you could just say, what does it matter if, in the end, it will all be forgotten?
I know that, at this moment, I give up.
....My mind really does keep wandering, how terrible. So what I really want to get at is whether or not what is going on in the moment truly matters…those itsy bitsy things that we do everyday, that we see everyday, that we live everyday. Or, is the only thing that truly matters that ‘bigger picture’ thing I have heard about? Something to question. Should we care about the people that interact with us now? Or just know that someday it will all be better? Should we bother ourselves with the trivial of everyday? Or just know that one day none of that will matter?
After all, I mean what is really wrong with only looking out for yourself?And just living for that someday. That is the best that we can truly do for ourselves…in some sense, at least.
But, then again...they contradict, they go hand in hand, you can't have one without the other. (anyone hearing a 'Married...with Children' theme song in the background?) You cannot truly accept that you only have to worry about all the little things that we say and do in the everyday moment without knowing that all that matters is the 'bigger picture' in life. Because after all that is what it all adds up to. Those little things are so very important because we don't remember what we actually think is important, but the little words we think will be forgotten.
Life really can't really only be about that humdrum routine we shuffle through everyday (what we think is important). But, it has to be about the little interactions that add up...maybe I am wrong...
And also for the fact that there could be bad everyday things that we need not to worry and there could be those beautiful everyday things that we need to remember. Maybe you just have to think about it according to what is happening to you, you have to twist it according to your mood at the moment. See, then really what is the point about thinking about any of it? If we are just supposed to be greedy and make sure everything always works in our favor, what is the point?
Well I believe that both sides have strong, lovely cases. Yes, you should only care about the little things in life – those everyday things…that is what we remember the most. Sometimes those little things are so dreadful we don't want to think about them, so we therefore need to trouble our minds with something bigger....I suppose it just all depends on what you cannot control in the situation i.e. who you are talking to, what the circumstances are. But who wants to put their fate somewhere they cannot see it? Well,maybe that is just growing up.
Or I suppose you could just say, what does it matter if, in the end, it will all be forgotten?
I know that, at this moment, I give up.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
say what you will...
The child in me still finds it very hard to believe (and accept) the fact that time has to pass for us to heal. Why do we have to say goodbye to say hello to some sort of new life? ...To some sort of sanity in our lives? I mean sure, obviously if you want to change you have to rid your life of some things - but why does it always seem like you have to get rid of the things that you desire, the things that you wish to keep the most?
Life is full of these terribly stressful 'seeming contradictions' - paradoxes; or whatever you wish to call them. And I sure know that my life likes to fall under the every-frickin-thing-is-a-paradox category.
We always lose what we want the most - because we love it so much, we have to let it go. We are therefore able to let it go.All this really brings to mind for me is whether or not we really love what we have, what doesn't fall away from us...do we?
Oh, gosh another headache trying to grasp my mind over this nonsense.
Life is full of these terribly stressful 'seeming contradictions' - paradoxes; or whatever you wish to call them. And I sure know that my life likes to fall under the every-frickin-thing-is-a-paradox category.
We always lose what we want the most - because we love it so much, we have to let it go. We are therefore able to let it go.All this really brings to mind for me is whether or not we really love what we have, what doesn't fall away from us...do we?
Oh, gosh another headache trying to grasp my mind over this nonsense.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
uh-oh
I think that I have done something bad. Bad to myself. Something that I thought I had learned not to do, something I thought I had learned from. Something that I thought I was over, something I thought I would never fall into again.
And to think, there was a moment when I sighed with relief. But now, the paranoia is back.
I mean, really…why do we like to put ourselves in situations that we know will only cause us that nice ‘ole heartache?
Uh-oh, for sure.
And to think, there was a moment when I sighed with relief. But now, the paranoia is back.
I mean, really…why do we like to put ourselves in situations that we know will only cause us that nice ‘ole heartache?
Uh-oh, for sure.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
It's almost (the proper) time for Christmas music!
Oh, how things change in a week...or how they stay exactly the same. I really have no point at all for this post, just felt like posting something...
Still confused as to what is the right balance between confidence, an extremely large ego and ignorance really is.
That somehow makes sense when you think about it. I have other words I could use there also, but I do not feel like thinking about them at the moment. Or maybe it doesn't, all I know is that it has been driving me crazy for some time.
Sometimes I choose not to use contractions when I speak and write, does that make me sound 'stuffy?'
la pioggia mi fa stanca.
I hate making plans...I never keep them, so why do I make them?
Still confused as to what is the right balance between confidence, an extremely large ego and ignorance really is.
That somehow makes sense when you think about it. I have other words I could use there also, but I do not feel like thinking about them at the moment. Or maybe it doesn't, all I know is that it has been driving me crazy for some time.
Sometimes I choose not to use contractions when I speak and write, does that make me sound 'stuffy?'
la pioggia mi fa stanca.
I hate making plans...I never keep them, so why do I make them?
Thursday, November 6, 2008
♪"I don't want to wait.."♪
…Because I wouldn’t have been able to understand it then, but I understand it now. So now I have been opened up…awakened. And to think it took one small passage, no not a passage a sentence of five words…but, not exactly - that sentence was just the epiphany moment there was so much that built up to that…That sentence just came at a time when I would understand the words in a way that I do now; in the way that would help me.
That is what the wait was for. That impatient waiting. It almost feels like it makes sense now…everything eventually has a way of working out…but, as I have learned, I must not get too attached to this present state. I must not fall too hard, because as always in life, it is only something that is temporary and it will fade. Sure now is now and now may be lovely, but now cannot, and does not, last forever. So I must get attached to the memory, to the overall acknowledgment and realization of what has happened, of what I now know. Not the constant greedy feeling of euphoria I am in now….
…I must learn from past mistakes. – I am so thrilled I want to go scream at the top of a mountain, but what exactly? I get it now…I am all right, I am ok. I will get through it…it is all not that bad, really. I will be ok, believe me, believe in myself.…..
I always thought I have to wait for that day, and then I thought that there is not use in waiting for that day; we must make the day. But, the thing is, we must work through life for it to come – to see it, to realize it. We must not give up and be lazy. (ok, lazy is harsh but, umm, not productive?) We must fight through every day and simply know that one day it will come. We do have to essentially wait, but at the same time we must not wait and not dwell but continue to live. Something will come that will be worth all the work. And there is a difference between giving up and giving in. There is. Giving up is a loss of hope, giving in is the realization of hope; it is the acceptance of what you are, of what is in the world.
I must not forget the old friend "good things that come to those that wait" Have I already forgotten? Is this really true? How do I keep this thought with me and not lose the good that I can feel?
That is what the wait was for. That impatient waiting. It almost feels like it makes sense now…everything eventually has a way of working out…but, as I have learned, I must not get too attached to this present state. I must not fall too hard, because as always in life, it is only something that is temporary and it will fade. Sure now is now and now may be lovely, but now cannot, and does not, last forever. So I must get attached to the memory, to the overall acknowledgment and realization of what has happened, of what I now know. Not the constant greedy feeling of euphoria I am in now….
…I must learn from past mistakes. – I am so thrilled I want to go scream at the top of a mountain, but what exactly? I get it now…I am all right, I am ok. I will get through it…it is all not that bad, really. I will be ok, believe me, believe in myself.…..
I always thought I have to wait for that day, and then I thought that there is not use in waiting for that day; we must make the day. But, the thing is, we must work through life for it to come – to see it, to realize it. We must not give up and be lazy. (ok, lazy is harsh but, umm, not productive?) We must fight through every day and simply know that one day it will come. We do have to essentially wait, but at the same time we must not wait and not dwell but continue to live. Something will come that will be worth all the work. And there is a difference between giving up and giving in. There is. Giving up is a loss of hope, giving in is the realization of hope; it is the acceptance of what you are, of what is in the world.
I must not forget the old friend "good things that come to those that wait" Have I already forgotten? Is this really true? How do I keep this thought with me and not lose the good that I can feel?
Monday, November 3, 2008
♪"I wanna do it right this time, yea..."♪
...it's something that extends beyond words. It extends beyond articulation. And, yet, that is all that it is. Words and interpretation and articulation and proper placement. Oh, music, how you have this way.
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