A Re-blog #4

Originally written November 27, 2008 10:55pm. Title: My totally awesome title was too long for this stupid thing!!!*

“I slept with faith and found a corpse in my arms on awakening; I drank and danced all night with doubt and found her a virgin in the morning.”
~Aleister Crowley, Book of Lies

I have read this quote over and over again and I just do not get it. I cannot grasp my mind around its meaning. Yet, it is like I am on the cusp of understanding it…but maybe my inability of understanding is what keeps me comin’ back for more… dot, dot, dot.

Here is my aftermath of recovering from a Thankgiving of awkward family time. All the conversations gone awry, with possibly a little too much food... dot, dot, dot.

The thing is, once we have worked so hard for some sort of recognition, of whatever it was that we were working towards. We just do not want it anymore. We lose some of that desire to keep fighting. We (well, it is ‘I’ we (I is) are talking about after all) feel like there is nothing left to work at. The recognition has come, that want for more has been realized, and that is that. What more is there left to fight for?
…Now that there are expectations of me, now that I must be , must do more than I thought I was able (but that I always imagined) what’s to happen? How am I supposed to be? Now that there is some sort secret revealed that must be maintained by ‘me’ – what/how do I handle what I know, what I have newly been told, without getting overwhelmed, without losing it? (and in many different ways can I lose it ).
I mean, sometimes(and yes only sometimes) I feel like all that we are working for is the attention of others. And, yes I know that sounds so terribly shallow. And yes, I know that is not the real (whatever that means) point of life, of what we are to do in this life. And we all (possibly) naively think is what everything is all about…but how many times can you say you truly felt as if you were doing something just for yourself all the time? The most important word in this sentence is all – or rather the most important phrase is all the time (hence the italics and all - who knows, I am surely lost.
…Then again, it is highly possible, as it always is, that I am just missing something, and I surely doubt I will ever find it. dot, dot, dot.

….We all say somewhat degrading things about ourselves simply to have people counter them. But nothing is worse than having them affirmed and not denied with the all-inclusive praise. dot, dot, dot.

I do not at all feel like writing now, now that I have said something ridiculous like, ‘umm…I write, I think, everyday, maybe’ and then got some dumbfounded look, and some sort of response, like, ‘what? where do you find the time? why? what exactly do you write?’ – Who knows, I never have the answers to these silly questions that people ask of me. And nothing, I find, is more frustrating than that. dot, dot, dot.

How do you verbalize those amazing short little rhythms within a song with no words that move you, those parts that are larger than any words within the song could ever be? I remember once reading the term ‘eargasm.’ I cannot recall the definition that went with it, but I believe it is pretty self explanatory. I remember the song that I first was listening to and said ‘omg; eargasm’ and, oh, what a beautiful feeling that is… ;)
It was Bad Religion ‘Skyscraper’ @ 1.50 ‘And neverrrr anyyy goood” It still gets me. Yet that part includes Greg’s lovely voice…hmm, doesn’t really help my need of articulating while there is an absence of words… gosh, darn.
I don’t really listen to BR that much anymore – I have moved on from my angst-y teen years - and, oh, what a pure sin. And to think how intelligent I thought they were. All those words in the songs I had no idea what they meant….so intelligent and beautiful. The songs were all so beautifully different, I thought it was simply a miracle...
I could go on and on and on and on about BR, but I feel it would get terribly boring to some reader, but oh, how happy I remember they made me….possibly some other time :)



*So here was what I was originally going to call this thing:
♪“if life makes you scared and bitter, at least it’s not for very long’ ♪♪*
(and the little * was going to be at the bottom of my note and say this:
* yes this is a BR song that I have recently been reawakened to, all thanks to my want of verbalization :D
... and it was all going to make sense so wonderfully, or so I had hoped! stupid facebook-not-able-to-write-a-long-title-thing!!!!