say it

I don't know.
I had this feeling that I should write (type) up a new blog, but - I don't know what to say.
It is Halloween. And I am not out all dressed up with somewhere to go.
I can say that I don't really like Halloween and that is why I (don't) do it.
But, like always, there must be more to the story.
Maybe I do like Halloween...no I don't just think of all that dread I had when we HAD to dress up in elementary school...I was so excited for the day when I got to middle school so I was not forced to dress up on 10/31.
The thing is, there is always something in the thought of it all. The thought of Halloween and all of the cool, creepy tales and whatnot that go along with it. All of the excitement and folklore (dare I say) that is within the holiday.....I just never fell into place with it all.
I will have to find a holiday all my own, that I truly look forward to every year.
And I thought that I would eventually get to a point where I would stop dreading the fall because school was going to start. And I thought that I would find that in college. But, the past two 'come September's' I have dreaded fall. So sad, Autumn is so beautiful, if only the pressure of this one thing was gone...what would then fill its place? Something else to dread? Nothing?
How sad. The story of my life.
But who cares. Life goes on, I will get over it, I think that I am already actually.....

mi piace il mio oroscopo.

Edit: I am very silly. I forgot that, because the website I was reading was essentially 'from' Italy, it was already 'tomorrow' concerning that horoscope. So, this is my horoscope for tomorrow. Or, actually, today because it is now the proper (next) day! :( Sometimes, I just get it all wrong when I think it is all right...So does this mean all the excitement for this prediction is nonexistent? (I knew it was too perfect of an 'ending' to what I was feeling) We will see, I suppose....

This is my horoscope (for Wednesday, October 29), in Italian:

Giornata creativa e grintosa. Di pigrizia non se ne parla: affrontate subito i problemi e poi dedicatevi ai progetti. A sera, poi, pensate solo a risplendere di fascino!

Parola chiave : vivacità

I think that it means one thing. And I like very much what it is that I think it is, how I translate it. And so I am going to keep thinking that it is what I think it is. (was that coherent English?) Even though it was so wrong from what my day was. (well, maybe not - it just 'left out' the breakdown) But it was just about right on (umm, confusing?) to the point where I treasure what ever it is that I believe it to be telling me. Because it is simply an amazingly (?) lovely thought, a wonderful thing to think of what my life could be (is?). :)

I forgot edit out all the bad words: long on post, short on originality

What a strange feeling it is to know that people recognize you. They know who you are, they remember you, etc. (well maybe there really is not 'etc.' there) I mean was that guy behind the counter just saying that simply because he is a conversational person and that is what he does? Am I simply taking this to some level it was never meant to go to? Is he thinking of someone else? How strange is it to become aware that people KNOW who you actually are. What happens now, in life, once we are opened up to whatever it is that we are - something that we never knew we were or ever could be. People think of you. People think of ME! How frickin' crazy, dude. ;)
Then there is always this lingering feeling that I have that maybe I am simply thinking too much of this. I mean, It was just some random happening while I was getting food. No big deal. But then again that is not all that I am really getting at here. I am getting at the fact that this is something bigger (hard to figure that one out, right?). This, as always with my wonderful life, stands for something I cannot articulate. Some other sort of metaphor to say that maybe I am not as invisible as I think/have always thought. Maybe I really am more than I ever thought possible. Maybe I am more than whatever I actually think that I am.
Then this whole thing about awareness comes into play. What happens now, now that I know, that I am aware? How go on living the right way to still be what I never thought that I was and yet be that better version of myself? Be that more 'confident' embodiment of what I didn't know I was,..to make it all work better? Why does it all have to be so difficult? I don't understand. And then there is still something that I feel I am not getting at. Like, what does this mean for me? I am really not this invisible person. I am really not whatever I thought I was - so am I ignorant to myself? But, mostly it has to do with the fact of - where do I go from here? How do I not let my thoughts run away with this? How do I be what I be - what is/was known; what is respected - with this knowledge. It is like some sort of pressure that is building, like I HAVE to live up to this because that is what people think of me. And how do I be this without letting them all down?
I almost feel, in a way, that I was better off not knowing because then I would have nothing to 'live up to' I would have no expectations. And the moment people expect something of you, or, rather, when you become aware you are something – you start to disappoint. As I said I would just be what I was 'being' and that 'be' it. I was better off not knowing because then I would not have this external - no maybe it is internal - distraction. Then again - maybe it is better that I am becoming aware of it because it is almost some sort of relief to know that I am not this invisible, unintelligent nothing. I just have to take all of this information and do the 'right' thing with it. But what is the right thing? Who am I to think that I am more than nothing? More than I ever thought? huh? Who am I to think any of that? I don't know.
The thing is I am just not fully convinced that this whole awareness thing is really where it's all at. I am not fully convinced that it is something to strive for, something to look for. Then again I am not fully convinced that living in ignorance, living in bliss, is really where it's all at either. So like always I am simply (ugh) stuck somewhere in the middle. Perpetually stuck in the middle - yearning to be on this side or that side - but not really liking either of those sides anyway. Then again, maybe there is some third side I am missing.
Then again, who really cares about what anyone thinks of you, IF anyone thinks of you.
Who really cares about anything at all really?

I believe...

One of the many things of my 'past' that I have come across...if you cannot make yourself laugh, what fun is life?

I believe…
In sitting by the beach – in the cold – in the rain- in the sun - in the dark – alone or with someone you love;
In sticking with your stubborn side;
In starting all over;
In mistakes;
In writing against the lines;
In typos;
In forgiveness;
In healing;
In ‘silent’ time;
In not waiting for someone else;
In relaxing;
In naps;
In the ‘gut’ (those damned instincts);
In doing nothing;
In plans falling apart (that is when they become the most fun ;)
That silence can be worse that hatred – yet it is still sacred;
That just being (whatever that means) is as beautiful as we will ever be.

mean, mean, mean!!

schadenfreude |ˈ sh ädənˌfroidə| (also Schadenfreude)
noun
pleasure derived by someone from another person's misfortune.

ORIGIN German, from Schaden ‘harm’ + Freude ‘joy.’

what I see

It never ceases to amaze me how absorbed we (I) can get (or fixated, rather) on one thing - like, how I can go for days, weeks even, listening to the same song - over and over and over - and forget about everything else that is out there, forget about what else it is that I have.

It is so easy to get trapped (lost) in our own worlds - our own perfect, pretty bubbles in life that we create (or maybe sometimes they are not so perfect and we get stuck thinking that we will perpetually be in misery...) We all have this amazing (dare I say) ability to forget about everything else - to forget what other 'songs' the world has to offer.

haha. What a metaphor for life.

Just think of all that is out there left to be explored and undiscovered and understood and on and on...oh, my I certainly am in some mood today... :)

well...it happens

Is there such a thing as being too aware of your life? Knowing all of your faults and knowing how you should live...too much? Can you really live the right way, and be real? Because when you are, it just seems too perfect. Like, how can you really know all of that, all of how to live properly?
You simply cannot live so perfectly, be so aware of what is right and what is wrong, be so able to not give a thought to the thoughts of others, be so unafraid of life (or not nervous) that you just live the right way - the way that we are all supposed to live, what we are supposed to live up to. No regrets and all of that. There has to be something missing in that outward perfection. I have heard that our flaws are what make us who we are. So, then what to the person who knows how to live without a care to any external distractions? What, then to the people who (dare I say like Socrates) who just let be, what be....?
Maybe it is just my jealousy. Maybe. Maybe I am so caught up in my lack of being able to live how I want to live that I cannot believe how anyone else could live in such a way - I cannot conceive of it. So therefore I need to look for the weak spots.
Who knows? I sure do not.

the dreams that exist...

if ever there was a time that I thought writing was fun/I liked writing/I was quite good at writing/I could write - I was wrong. Well, wrong may not be the exact word I am looking for, I must have been delusion (I must stop all this delusion nonsense). Now I simply wish to give up any sort of "critical writing and/or thinking" in the academic setting that I find myself in. I am simply incapable of it, and I am starting to convince myself that some people just are not meant for some things...and that is that. Is that so wrong? No! Whatever. I like that word, too. Whatever has always been there when I need it ;)

I don't remember what I was getting at anymore...

I just do not know

Simple is my word of the moment. nothing really exciting about it, it is just simply simple. I do not know why I have grown so attached to the word, it just happened...everything is simple, something is simply this or that, there is the simplicity of life (yea, right to that;) and on and on it goes....

simple |ˈsimpəl|
adjective ( -pler , -plest )
1 easily understood or done; presenting no difficulty : a simple solution | camcorders are now so simple to operate.
• plain, basic, or uncomplicated in form, nature, or design; without much decoration or ornamentation : a simple white blouse | the house is furnished in a simple country style.
• [ attrib. ] used to emphasize the fundamental and straightforward nature of something : the simple truth.
2 composed of a single element; not compound.
3 of or characteristic of low rank or status; humble and unpretentious : a simple Buddhist monk.
4 of low or abnormally low intelligence.

noun chiefly historical
a medicinal herb, or a medicine made from one : the gatherers of simples.


hmm...did not know that last one, as a noun, interesting... so I also feel like I am not doing/writing what I set out to do/write with this blog. I feel like I am not being as truthful or as honest as I had hoped....not to say that I have in any way lied on here, but just that I am not saying everything I could be...all of my truth.

'just' used to be one of my words of the moment a while back, I just like physically writing out the letter 'j' - it was lots of fun :)

I am crazy...sono un po' pazza!

I wrote this on 4/27/08 at 11:48p.m. and I have no idea what I was talking about, sort of. Bits and pieces I understand, but mostly I think I was just going crazy blabbing about something rather silly....

"it is like I can think all these things that have the ability to drive me insane (I forget that they are simply things, or complexly, I suppose) and sometimes I find out that it means nothing I was driven crazy for no reason. how odd is that? the strange things that i can think of that mean nothing at all. well it is like the fact of my plants they seems healthy from the window but i was not about to let my eyes deceive me, they were probably rotting away all brown and withered at the ends and roots by now without water and all of that. and who would let them sit there like that? adopt them like that? that is so rude without the call to say something and the shoes too. how freakin' rude. they just kept the money and my six year old plants that i had invested so much in but i suppose therein lies my problem also, why on earth would i invest so much in something as silly as plants ? I could not tell you. how strange it is when people are up close. there is some kind of something missing when you put someone in their home, their place of residence and out of the outside world where you know nothing but what they put out. what they can fool others with. and then it is such an invasion. such a window of something new. something private when you enter the place that they sleep in . now there's nothing to believe."

thinking 'huh?' - so am I, anch'io.

yea, whatever

I read that blogs are supposed to be 'short and sweet.' because, for some reason, that makes them more accessible to readers...well I think that is just...silly ( I will build my vocabulary...) every time that I start to write I have so much to say. hmm....

cogitate |ˈkäjəˌtāt|
verb [ intrans. ] formal or humorous
think deeply about something; meditate or reflect : he stroked his beard and retired to cogitate.

I am nothing if not redundant...

yes, this song is in my profile...but I love it so much I must put a link out here also...
love can be hard to articulate at times...
Wolf Parade - "Shine A Light"

talk about ethical things....

"Freedom is the obedience to God's law...you live up to your best self....doing whatever you want (with no boundaries/laws) is not freedom because, then, you have things inside of you that you are unable to control, things that take you over and you are therefore not free....living with an internal policeman is true liberation (with God's law we live up to our best self...)..."
And to think, I never really thought that much about God until these past few weeks. Amazing how others can 'enlighten' you, dare I say...
So, anyway. The whole internal policeman and the little anecdote that went along with it is what really got me to thinking. I remembered an incident where I was filled with guilt and forced myself to do right, and then one where I am not that sure if I was filled with guilt, because I never did the right.
I was in third grade, I was in love with sharpie markers (no I was not a young drug addict, yet I did like that smell...) Whenever there was a project in class that we needed to use a sharpie marker I got so excited. Or I constantly found excuses to use them ("I need to make my name on my quiz more visible.", etc..) This also reminds me of how in elementary school it seems that everyone was obsessed with 'white-out' and then how I tried to avoid it - to be the dissenter...go me! And then, in third grade I also remember how I was obsessed with writing those stories and binding the little construction paper books...I was so eager to share (odd for shy little me) Although I never really focused on the quality of those things - just the quantity...I wanted to show off, show how good of a student I was...I think that I still do that...Hence the whole "you seem very motivated." (but the whole thing with that is, sure, I do all the preliminary research but when it comes to actually writing, well...)
Anyways...what was I writing (blogging) about? Oh, right the sharpie marker...So, one lovely little third grade day we were doing some sort of project...you know all those silly teachers give to make time go by, ones that are supposed to help us indirectly 'learn' .... I cannot for the life of me remember what it was... The sharpie markers, all those pretty colors, were on some desk for us all to share and use freely. And I sly little, greedy child that I was wanted more sharpie than some silly school project would allow. I wanted more, more, more. (still do...I can never just appreciate something for the moment that it was, I have to take it with me and hold on to it forever, maybe I am afraid my memory will fail me...) So, I looked around to see if anyone was watching me, then I slid the sharpie in my desk. I had a smile on my face thinking of all the exciting things I would be able to do now that I would have a sharpie marker in my possession at my home, in my room...oh, the possibilities! So, blah, blah, blah a few days went by and I am sure I had fun...but then my guilt settled in and I felt so terrible every day I went to class and realized that I had stole something. I felt like I was going to get caught. (ya, know I think that I stole chalk one time, too. what was it with me and all these teacher-ly thing?) I felt like everyone knew my secret or that they would one day find out. So I made a plan...I was going to bring in the perfectly-purple sharpie and casually drop it on the floor and then pick it and pretend I happened to find it there...And that is exactly what I did. I can recall nonchalantly dropping the marker on the floor picking it up and saying to my teacher, Miss Mangel, "I found this on the floor." She thanked me, went back to her teacher duties, and I was obsolved of the evil that I had done. My internal policeman made me do right...Then again I almost think that maybe I did not give that pen back for the right reasons...Did I really think that I was wrong? Or was I just scared of getting caught? Is that the same thing?
I need to find new things to think about....

word

candor |ˈkandər; -ˌdôr| ( Brit. candour)
noun
the quality of being open and honest in expression; frankness : a man of refreshing candor.

Starbucks: The Place for Talk, Interesting Talk.....

Well, the strange things that happen when you are surrounded by strangers, in a town that, well, is close to a crazy city - full of complete strangers. (I don't know what makes an incomplete stranger...) It is amazing the impression that others give off. You can listen to a conversation they are having over the phone and make judgments...and then when they open up their mouth and talk to you, you have the same judgments it's just that you don't feel like such an eavesdropper. How powerful people can be is truly a remarkable thing. They can go to all these fancy-brand-name schools, be well traveled, and talented, and make lots of money, have an amazing resume and what not. Yet, they can be so fucked up (excuse me for that, but it was the only word that works here) with something as simple as their weight-their health (well I suppose that is not really simple) They can have such a crazy view of who they are and what they should be. Who wants to be some crazy work-out-aholic and miss out on life, on living, on simply being. (simple never applies to anything I say, does it?) It's like people have these brains filled with information but never the information on how to live a beautiful life. I mean, it is not like I know how to live exactly - in fact I am far from being able to know how to live...but there has always been something so wrong to me in this need to get ahead. The obsession for me. And I am certainly not above it - but I just always felt like there was more, well not more but different. And maybe I don't believe in happiness - but some sort of contentment is always at the back of my mind, one that I cannot define exactly....And then there is this part of me that feels like I should have gotten so much more out of this conversation/her talking on and on with this woman...but the only thing that sticks out in my mind is this crazy notion people have of their appearance of what they think they should be doing...and not doing - well, their life. Crazy how people can get trapped into a life they thought they had always wanted. When is it too late? When do we realize what is right?
Well, maybe I did get something more out of that...happening at Starbucks...to not let life get me down, to not be intimidated by anything, to not look back....to just do what I have always wanted to do because I have the oppurtunity - because I can and I want to...I do not want to feel stuck in my life anymore and maybe this chance happening is just what I needed to push through...to make me truly be - and feel like - this motivated person I am told I am...
perseverance, baby... ha! :) I think I like being crazy more than I should...

I like pictures of me...(myself?)

Yes, ok. I am going to get doing things that I need to be doing now.

this needs to be added to the vocabulary of many more....

nincompoop |ˈninkəmˌpoōp; ˈni ng-|
noun
a foolish or stupid person.

nevermind

All right, I take back what I said yesterday. I got a bit ahead of myself, or, rather, full of myself and forgot about an important 'quiz' that I had this morning and forgot to do a little bit of the homework....so I was actually a very, very bad - unmotivated student. Well, then again I don't think that not studying and what not makes me unmotivated - just preoccupied. Yes. Still very bad. Very, bad. I am so upset with myself. But, I suppose this means I will just have to work that much harder to redeem myself, my intelligence. Oh, those constant uphill battles...

thought

I seem like I am very motivated.
Well, I am told this, what does it mean?

...and suddenly it's cold outside

oh, no my dear - it is 'ugg' season once again... non mi piace...
So, it is only the second day of my 'reemergence' (reawakening, rebirth, do-over, epiphany, Decision to be...) as a guitar player, and already I am frustrated and ready to give up. I was reminded what got me down to begin with, what made me stop. My fingers seem to not be the proper size/shape/up to speed that they must be. And there is that terrible noise that comes with not hitting the right note or the right string. But, I must be patient, I must forgive myself. It has been months since I have played and I was not all that good when I played every day for five years, so I cannot expect myself to be any good after not playing for over a year. You really do forget so much in such a 'short' amount of time, truly. I just wish to put it all in my head and make my fingers (and my wrist and arm...whatever other body part is involved) play it all so wonderfully beautiful! (haha I am tired, forgive me ;) I am too determined now, much too determined to give up. "I will persevere!" Oh, so much easier said than done, so much easier. It is somewhat more relaxed now that I don't have to be worried about weekly lessons, weekly tests and nervousness about not getting it all right. Because I always thought that everything outside of a classroom was much more enjoyable no matter how much you enjoy it. There is just less pressure, you just are whatever you are and however you are and that is that. I mean, I loved photography but I am not looking forward to taking another class...all that stress about deadlines and tests and blah, blah. But, then I am told this mirrors "real life" so... Am I just some delusional, lazy kid? Probably but I still believe hobbies are what are true passions are and if you try to turn them into something more they are no longer what they used to be. I don't even know what I am talking about anymore. I just know that I am frustrated by my inability to be what I want to be, and I also know that I will NOT give up, give in, this time. Well, strike that I will be all silly and whatever and forget about the word 'not.' I WILL continue on and force myself ( if I have to) to practice everyday, every-frickin-day!
HA!
Oh, how life can be all about persuading our minds, (and then sounding like some ridiculous self-help book...but I didn't say that...) but it all starts with a decision, our will, our desire for something - to be something more.
I will leave with those words ;)

well....

So this morning was...OK. I woke up and it was raining, and that always has a way of setting me up for a bad day....I fell back asleep. Then I had to go bring my clothes to the laundromat....because the machines in these dorms make my clothes come out smelling worse than when they came in...it is truly disgusting - believe me. And the washing machine had to take over an hour to finish = me in a bad mood. I am in such an 'uneventful life' mood or whatever these days...I mean, honestly, who care about laundry...But, the 'big' thing that I did today was volunteer at the local museum. Some lecture about the media and the election and on and on that story goes. And I do feel like I have some sort of renewed hope, yet at the same time, there was some hope that i had gone....
The most fascinating thing no, no the most enlightening 'thing' that I got from the event has really nothing to do with the event at. No changed political views or any of that nonsense. I have decided to go ahead, truly go ahead and apply for the full YEAR abroad. In simple terms because I just want to, and I am blessed with the opportunity to be able to....And I feel the need for something more. When else would I get this chance? And if weren't to do it because of something like an extra semester....I would look back and say "another 4 months would have been worth it" I don't want to be with regret any longer. So I will take this chance. I will. And I want to go though with it, I only hope that my will is enough to make it all happen...

:(

Sad smiley face. I don't know why. I don't know what to post, just felt like posting a post. Or, rather, posting a blog? I don't know the correct way to say it - who cares. I miss the beach. Still, I miss the beach. I thought that being away from it long enough would make that go away, but I suppose nothing will - there is something so magnetic about the ocean...
Nothing really great about the day. Minus the fact that it, for the first time this season, was one of those beautiful, chilly autumn days. I love those days. Autumn, I believe, really is the most beautiful yet most tragic of the seasons. Watching everything change is....beautiful, and so sad. But I always thought that if summer had to go Autumn is the perfect season to follow it...
blah, blah. I don't know what else to write, to blog. To sum up the day depressing financial talk, sad state of my place in this world, wonderful day to just simply relax and observe the beauty. Why can't that be done everyday? Sit back and relax and just be...what a lovely thought :)

the avoidance of homework

I always thought that he word 'homework' would disappear from my vocabulary once I started college. Not because I thought I would have less work to do, (that is certainly not the case) but because that noun seems so.... high school. OK, so I sound ridiculous, never mind that thought for the moment. So, I think that I took a nap earlier...I don't know, I mean I remember lying down at, like, five and then it was just seven...but I remember the time in between as if I was not sleeping. Who knows just one of those weird boring days. That is all I can say. Well, during my one class, the religion one, I again had some sort of renewed hope and felt all...inspired for the day, and it was nice, so nice, so lovely. I never want to leave the words. I feel as if I need them to be said to me forever and always. And is that not a scary fact of life - that I still feel I need (I do) depend on someone's words to get me by. I don't know how to take them with me. How do you take that feeling with you? I don't know, I just wish that I had the strength, or the sense, to take all of that and use it for something better in my life. But, then again, what is really wrong with needing, or dare I say using, another's experience - their knowledge to help you get through your days? Is that not the point of life and each other - to help one another. Oh, how naive I can be. Oh, how my vagueness is so wonderful. Ha! I know what I am talking about and sometimes that is just all that I care about. :) So...lost my track there...hm, I don't know why I am doing so many '...' in this post...
I think that I may be turning into some sort of religious person from all of this inspiration I get, ahh, if only I knew how to take it beyond what I am at this moment....!

nope

My excitement has faded so quickly...or it has just been temporarily hidden due to depressing information. Did not get the job, study abroad cost a lot of money, no money coming in...easy to put those pieces together... :(

sono eccitata!

I am still ridiculously excited about 'blogging' (mostly because I had always thought of it as some foreign thing people do on the internet, then I looked into it) and I am still ridiculously excited about my study abroad program(s) (even if I cannot decide which one to go one, I figure it is a good problem to have :) and I have recently just started to get excited over the fact that David Cook, my AI fave, has just released his first single! It brings back memories of a mere few months ago when I was completely OBSESSED with him. I was a bit of a psycho, I will admit. But he made me feel so inspired. Oh, God I sound so absolutely cheesy and disgusting...but don't care! I mean, after all that/during all of that I made a decision to take out my guitar and practice, practice and to write, write some songs...and I started to and I wrote and then, like always, I got frustrated and stopped but...I have some sort of renewed perseverance to do it. And even if I have not exactly gotten back into the swing of practicing, I have written more ever since then, than I ever did... and I consider that an accomplishment...well if you want to call it an accomplishment. Mostly I am proud that I was able to stick with most of what I set out to do...I will get there one day. I am slowly (I know, pathetic me) realizing that most things in life just don't happen without effort. hmm, sad fact of life. But, point is I still have that hope for someday, which may not be the best of what I could think ... whatever. But going back in time and remembering what I was then, what I was thinking, what I felt - how passionate I felt - makes me feel so damn happy. :) Yes, happy is that not a lovely feeling?
I feel like I should be saying so much more about this, about all of my strange thoughts and how they were started and blah, blah but I think too much saying would be bad...the only thing that need to be reiterated is the fact that I felt I could go out and accomplish something I had always wanted to do, something ( I don't know what) made me think that I could do it, something made me actually put my pen to the paper, and my finger on the guitar...something. And I am so thankful for whatever decided to take over my brain... :)