I want it, I need it.

I have a real goal for the next year. Yes, it is true. And I can only hope that I have the power,the perseverance to remember it once all of the hype of the New Year has disappeared.


Well, I have made a small, but oh-so-significant goal for myself next year -
to write something of significance that I have accomplished with every month that will pass ...Someway that I have changed, become a little bit smarter, learned some truths and falsities…etc, etc..I want to record something that I can look back on at the end of the year,and be proud that I have accomplished something in my life, at least one thing every month worth living for.

And, yes I am aware how much a burden this could become(and in fact how terribly, for lack of a better word, 'cheesy' it sounds)but all that I want is something small that I can remember,some sort of proof I will have of all the growth I know is (and has been) happening to me.

Obviously this requires that I actually participate in activities that are actually worth my while.Activities that push my limits and are worth doing, worth living through, worth remembering,the ones that make me feel alive ... Ah, still the naivete? Or the learning?

I could try and rack my brains about this past year (since it is the last day of 2008 and all).But, too much, too lazy. (I know no real excuse). I have been, in these recent months, overwhelmed with this new life I have been creating and/or realizing and/or believing for myself. One that could actually happen.Could actually come to life. This one that I thought was only well reserved, and forever settled, in my dreams.

And somewhere in the past four months I have made this decision to change and be something more than I am.And I remember the moment(s) where I have really stopped and realized,and I certainly mean this crazy paused-life-and-realized, that I can change this to what I want,to something amazing.

But then again, there is something that I must say ... I have realized that I need to back off, but give in more.I have to somehow find the balance between falling in too deep and backing off too much.

Ah, the complexities. The seeming contradiction, the paradox that this is. Beautiful, really. No, am I joking?

Should I try and summarize, highlight the best point? ... Maybe for once, I will see something I can make of myself, of my future...and even surrounded by all of the nonsense of celebrating the New Year,I will be able to change myself, to make something more happen.

Maybe for once I will actually, actually learn from mistakes, and "do it again" right.

Ok, I admit....

...that yesterday I went to Wal-Mart. I know, I know always I try to avoid this place like the plague, but some days I end up finding myself there. And some days I don't even know how or why I went in the first place...but anyway.

What I wanted to write about was the shocking discovery I had made within the aisles...

and also this...


Very similar pictures, but you understand right?
Valentine's candy in December?! What? I mean, what exactly is going on in this world? (Ok, I know this is not that serious compared to other things...but, it certainly needs to be adressed.) It is not even the New Year and already people are planning for holidays they aren't even certain will arrive?

Who knows what is going to happen tomorrow night? ... But, I think that candy will just sit there until about a week before V-day. Now people will speak of the craziness that putting it out this early is....The only people that are going to buy it now are the ones that just feel like having some candy...or the ones that are so depressed over the fact that they most likely won't receive anything from anyone on that day, so they will just buy it for themselves...

Hmm, I think that I may have lost my train of thought for this. But, if you can remember anything from this...just remember the absolute insanity of people...Always looking ahead and never just enjoying the moment...What happened to New Year's??

Happy 2009, anyone? (I mean celebrating that actual switching over of years...not just the events that are to come...)

Ah, the hopes...those lovely hopes.

"If we didn't have our imaginations, where would our minds run?"
^Does this make any sense at all? I can only wonder, only wonder.

Another Christmas has come and gone (and I think that another New Year will come and go) and I am still as vague and abstract and unknown as ever. I still leave out details that others supposedly have. I feel, always, like I am forgetting to add some detail in that will just make me think "Ah, that is what I am missing."

And those are just the facts. ...Well those are the facts minus the concrete details that make up whatever I am supposed to be, whatever my writing is supposed to be. There is no concrete 'this happened and then this exact descriptive thing happened' ...and I suppose that is just me. This is just me...I mean, is it all really that important in some 'environments' (talk about a creepy sounding word) to have all the nonsense of my life displayed that I don't even want to think about? Possibly, after all the words to think about are 'the right environment' Hmmm...

Strange how every season, every year, passes and it all seems so fresh and new. And then the next one arrives...and what happened to the newness that we once thought was so great? This is life, yes? The arriving of the new and the passing/moving on of the old? ...of what once was? How sad...I mean, what really happens to all that joy that we had only the season before, the year before.

Ah, the wonderful end-of-the-year holiday time, how I just love all the happiness it is supposed to bring into my life. If only life were like the movies and the commercials and all the expectations that we always have before the fact, the event.

I think that I am headed into some problems if this fact is already causing me grief.

"And there's a change.."

I hate my hindsight. I hate my ‘presight.’ I hate everything about seeing what I am not. I absolutely despise the fact that I can know what to say. I can know what I want to say…and then in the moment when the words need to come, they disappear. I hate everything about it.

I just hate the fact that I can dream up such a lovely picture of what I want to be, what I want to do what I want to say…and it never comes. When the moment finally happens…I always, and I do mean always, fail to deliver.

Is it possibly the fact that I think too much, prepare to much, about it all? That can’t be right, just cant. There really is no such thing as preparing too much, because you will always forget something. So, therefore you do more and more and more. Or, it could possibly be the fact that I prepare the wrong things. Yes, totally possible. I mean, maybe I have some sort of overconfidence that leads my mind astray and I am not really focusing on what I need to be focusing on to make all that is in my head a reality. Phew. Mouthful.

And now I get to the point that I am always at. I feel like I have answered my own question. I don't know if that is something good, or if it is the fact that I just don't know that I just don't know.

Sometimes, we are blind to all that we are(n't). We think we know, yet we have no idea.

"Try and understand..."

I think that it is such a shame, that at some moments (some days) you are so inspired. You can keep writing and writing and writing without stop....and then others writing seems like the most difficult thing ever known to (wo)man. And these maniac writing days are unfortunately only a rare few.

Well, as I have said previously it is that time of the year again; Christmas. Some people I know are aware of the fact that I am insanely obsessed with the movie “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” I, in turn, am well aware that some people have some problems with this film. Or, that they simply just hate it. I don’t know lack of Christmas spirit or something...?

And some people go as far as to attack the film…attack little Rudolph and Santa and Hermey, etc (they are the only truly good ones in the film. Sure you could say Santa was quite rude to Rudolph in the beginning, but...) I don’t understand why they would even bother to attack it. I mean, look how adorable Rudolph is! ☺ … But, all that aside I have been recently become aware that one reason why people don’t like. I believe it to be a blasphemous, insane reason.…

Some person has claimed that a terrible act against the English language occurs right before the two youngsters, Hermey and Rudolph, sing “We’re a couple ‘a Misfits.” while they are just becoming acquainted. Hermey exclaims “ Let’s be independent together!”

Now this is some sort of disgrace to the English language. Some sort of oxymoron. It is teaching children bad things….blah, blah, blah. Of course all the children that watch this movie are going to remember these four words of this one song for the rest of their lives and therefore they will never be able to speak English correctly!! I can't think of anything worse than this, can you?

See, I think that you must remember the fact is it is a child speaking after all…why would he speak proper English? He is simply making a declaration to his new friend. He wants to venture off into the world and not feel so alone. Is there some bitter resentment from whomever brought up this defamation? I happen to think it is a heartfelt quote. “Let’s be independent together.”

Taking words and phrases out of context always, always, messes with their meaning, their true meaning. This movie is about the connection that Hermey and Rudolph are able to make amidst all of the (dare I say it) racism surrounding them. This is a joyous moment. Ok, done.

And, honestly if you are going to bring up something wrong with the song, why don't you atleast bring up the words that really make no sense... "We're not daffy and dilly/Don't go around willy-nilly." Now, that is better than blip of an oxymoron? (If you are going to attack anything at all...)

"Don't Tell Me..."

I am wondering if it is OK, just ok, to know that you could be doing something better. I mean is it better or worse to realize your mistakes and know you could be doing something to fix them, yet you do not do whatever it is to fix them? … Or is it somewhat ‘better’ if you are in ignorance and do not do anything about it?

I mean, is it wrong/bad/evil to know you are doing something wrong, to know that there is a better way and you choose not to do the better? Out of fear and trepidation … or just pure laziness?

Well, you see this is my verbal inarticulateness. What I am trying to spit out is….Let's say, I know that I should be doing something like …. Oh, for example the whole 'I should study better' thing. Now, is it just ok ,that I know I should be spending my time more wisely and studying...If I am not actually participating in the act of studying more/better? Is just knowing OK? Is just knowing a 'step in the right direction?'

When does the line end for when you finally have to do something with what you are aware of for it to have any meaning? Or does the fact that I am not actually following with what I know make it all wrong? Because, in a sense, if I am not actually correcting my past mistakes I have not really learned my lesson, have I?

I mean, is just knowing something a little better than not? Is just knowing something better than – good enough- than not actually doing ‘it?’

Something that has been bothering me. I know, I read it over again and I only got an even bigger headache.

And, of course, it is never as simple as putting enough time towards studying. And it is something I don’t even know how to articulate. It just is….AHHH.

The thing is I regret things...I have read that makes me somewhat of a thinking person:

"Experience shows that someone with no regrets is someone with no inner inkling that he can do better. He cannot recognize his mistakes and remains attached to them, because he can’t see anything better ahead and so asks himself why he should give up what he has.”
- Carlo Maria Martini

And the thing is ... the surrounding text of this quote says that it is up to ourselves to correct what we do wrong. We must to grow and move on our journey, our life. Well, you could say that this answers my question...just being aware of how we should change does not really mean anything. We have to actually make the steps to correct ourselves...and then it means something, then it becomes profound.

Maybe all that this ever boils down to is the fact that I want some reassurance of that all I am doing wrong, is not so bad. Even though I know I should be doing more. ... I fail to take action.

"How you feel now will pass. Don't let it ruin your life."
-House

"It's the most *insert word of choice here* time of the year..."

Yes, Christmas is creeping up. Closer and closer it gets. Ugh. That is all that I can say about it now. Sickness and rain and cold and Christmas just do not seem to go together. Even if there is some sort of something that Christmas is supposed to mean minus all that I am feeling at the moment. Some greater meaning of Christmas I should be remembering and not my little (quite large, actually) stuffy nose.

But, anyway that is not my point of this post.

Christmas time, for me, means that I have to put on my cute little 'baker' shoes. I am expected every year (and with every other holiday) to bake something delicious. Some dessert that, that I may not even want, but just one that others want (is that not what the holidays (life) is about? forgetting about yourself and doing something kind for others?;).

So, let's forget about the fact that I am losing the desire to continue on with this. Well, that is not really possible, that is my point for this thing.

This is what is expected of me this year (what was kindly suggested that I make):

Rugelach

Dough:

1 cup cream cheese

1 cup butter

1 2/3 cup flour

Filling:

2/3 cup sugar

1 tbl cinnamon

1 1/3 cup chopped walnuts

4 tbl butter melted

1 egg yolk beaten w/ 1 tsp milk

To prepare dough beat cream cheese and butter together with a mixer at medium speed until smooth and fluffy. Gradually add half the flour, beating at low speed only until blended. Stir in rmaining flour. Scrape dough onto a lightly floured work surface. Turn to coat with flour and divide into thirds. Shape each portion into a disk and wrap in plastic wrap. Refrigerate overnight.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line two large baking sheets with parchment.

To prepare filling combine sugar cinnamon and walnuts.

Roll one portion of dough on a lightly floured surface to a 12 inch circle. Brush with 1/3 of the butter and sprinkle with 1/3 of the walnut mixture. Cover with wax paper and press filling into dough. Remove wax paper. Cut into 12 wedges. Roll each wedge from its wide edge, and set rolls point side down on a baking sheet, 1 inch apart. Repeat with remaining dough, butter and filling. Brush the rolls lightly with egg yolk mixture. Bake about 30 minutes until pastries are golden brown. Rotate baking sheets top to bottom and front to back during baking to ensure browning.


OK, so. That is that. Easy, right? I don't know. I mean who feels like doing what is always expected of them? All this work and for what? To eat? What, who wants to do that?

And I remember so vividly the disappointment (possibly anger/outrage) that I received on Thanksgiving from people for not making/baking something to indulge their sweet tooth.

So, what? I didn't feel like it. I was lazy and I enjoyed it. This is what I thought that I wanted - to not be the person...the cute little girl who bakes cute little, delicious things; like a good, little girl. But, I think that without it I sometimes find that I like being that person. Because that is all I know who to be, who I was, who people like me to be. Venturing out on something different is always complicated, it is so easy to stay nestled in your nice little shell. One that you have always known to work so well.

I suppose what I am really trying to say is that I am still finding it difficult to break from the things that are expected of me. What others think that I should be. Whether I want it or not. I cannot break free and feel good about it.

Because, I guess, I will always have that time where I was innocently driving in the car with my mother and I asked where we were going. And she responded, "To the grocery store. You are baking a cake, we need to get the ingredients."

How do you break free from what you don't even know?

Even after all we've been through ( I could go on and on)

Even after all I can say that I 'know' and all I have had (or, rather, experienced and still have) I for some reason still find myself wishing things were different.

Yet there is this little part of me (and I do mean little) that will not give everything up (I mean that beautiful thought that I could actually somehow go back in time and give everything up/start over, etc.) Just for the fact that there was those few beautiful moments that really do make my life worth something.

But, then again, that is just it. I know all this. I know it is supposed to be what I am supposed to be thinking + feeling + saying....yet, I don't really believe in it.

I think that I would actually give up/erase all the supposed good in my life - for a different outcome now...I am terrified that I really would give it all up.

But, then.....

A Re-blog #4

Originally written November 27, 2008 10:55pm. Title: My totally awesome title was too long for this stupid thing!!!*

“I slept with faith and found a corpse in my arms on awakening; I drank and danced all night with doubt and found her a virgin in the morning.”
~Aleister Crowley, Book of Lies

I have read this quote over and over again and I just do not get it. I cannot grasp my mind around its meaning. Yet, it is like I am on the cusp of understanding it…but maybe my inability of understanding is what keeps me comin’ back for more… dot, dot, dot.

Here is my aftermath of recovering from a Thankgiving of awkward family time. All the conversations gone awry, with possibly a little too much food... dot, dot, dot.

The thing is, once we have worked so hard for some sort of recognition, of whatever it was that we were working towards. We just do not want it anymore. We lose some of that desire to keep fighting. We (well, it is ‘I’ we (I is) are talking about after all) feel like there is nothing left to work at. The recognition has come, that want for more has been realized, and that is that. What more is there left to fight for?
…Now that there are expectations of me, now that I must be , must do more than I thought I was able (but that I always imagined) what’s to happen? How am I supposed to be? Now that there is some sort secret revealed that must be maintained by ‘me’ – what/how do I handle what I know, what I have newly been told, without getting overwhelmed, without losing it? (and in many different ways can I lose it ).
I mean, sometimes(and yes only sometimes) I feel like all that we are working for is the attention of others. And, yes I know that sounds so terribly shallow. And yes, I know that is not the real (whatever that means) point of life, of what we are to do in this life. And we all (possibly) naively think is what everything is all about…but how many times can you say you truly felt as if you were doing something just for yourself all the time? The most important word in this sentence is all – or rather the most important phrase is all the time (hence the italics and all - who knows, I am surely lost.
…Then again, it is highly possible, as it always is, that I am just missing something, and I surely doubt I will ever find it. dot, dot, dot.

….We all say somewhat degrading things about ourselves simply to have people counter them. But nothing is worse than having them affirmed and not denied with the all-inclusive praise. dot, dot, dot.

I do not at all feel like writing now, now that I have said something ridiculous like, ‘umm…I write, I think, everyday, maybe’ and then got some dumbfounded look, and some sort of response, like, ‘what? where do you find the time? why? what exactly do you write?’ – Who knows, I never have the answers to these silly questions that people ask of me. And nothing, I find, is more frustrating than that. dot, dot, dot.

How do you verbalize those amazing short little rhythms within a song with no words that move you, those parts that are larger than any words within the song could ever be? I remember once reading the term ‘eargasm.’ I cannot recall the definition that went with it, but I believe it is pretty self explanatory. I remember the song that I first was listening to and said ‘omg; eargasm’ and, oh, what a beautiful feeling that is… ;)
It was Bad Religion ‘Skyscraper’ @ 1.50 ‘And neverrrr anyyy goood” It still gets me. Yet that part includes Greg’s lovely voice…hmm, doesn’t really help my need of articulating while there is an absence of words… gosh, darn.
I don’t really listen to BR that much anymore – I have moved on from my angst-y teen years - and, oh, what a pure sin. And to think how intelligent I thought they were. All those words in the songs I had no idea what they meant….so intelligent and beautiful. The songs were all so beautifully different, I thought it was simply a miracle...
I could go on and on and on and on about BR, but I feel it would get terribly boring to some reader, but oh, how happy I remember they made me….possibly some other time :)



*So here was what I was originally going to call this thing:
♪“if life makes you scared and bitter, at least it’s not for very long’ ♪♪*
(and the little * was going to be at the bottom of my note and say this:
* yes this is a BR song that I have recently been reawakened to, all thanks to my want of verbalization :D
... and it was all going to make sense so wonderfully, or so I had hoped! stupid facebook-not-able-to-write-a-long-title-thing!!!!

A Re-blog #3

Originally written on: November 22, 2008 at 9:45pm. Title: The slow fade of love

How fascinating it is to know that in one moment we can make a promise and truly mean it...and then the next we can sincerely break that promise. With no intention to hurt another person. All because we just are not the same person anymore, and for some reason we cannot keep whatever promise we had previously made. We just change and this does not make us some sort of evil person. (then again, there are always exceptions to every statement/rule.)

It is not even because we are weak, it is simply because we change. From morning to night and blah, blah, blah. And this is just some fact of life…it makes us human . That is all we can be. Humans who do things, sometimes wrong and sometimes right. Most of the time (we all would like to think, I believe) all that we do is all that we can do, it is the most that we are able to do.

We just somehow have to accept our flaws and our shortcomings and move on from there. Accept that we are going to make promises we will never keep and that others are going to make promises on us that they will never keep – and it really is not such a bad thing. People just change from that previous moment...they are not the person who made that promise, they are not the person who was able to do whatever it is they said they could do. It is just that we are human.

So if this is all so simple to understand why is it so looked down upon? (that whole breaking of a promise thing?)

Why does a broken promise still sting so much? …

And then where is the line drawn to where a person really is just some jerk who keeps who says things they know , truly know, they will never do? How can you tell the difference? The difference between a bum and a human...ah-ha!

And, yet, while all this may be fascinating, I don't believe it will ever make it all hurt any less.

...then again, you can just stop expecting things from people, although I highly doubt that would be any easier.


♪♪"The slow fade of love
And it's mist might choke you
It's my gradual descent into a life I never meant
It's the slow fade of love" ♪♪

A Re-blog #2:

Originally written on: November 20, 2008 at 9:50pm. Title: Should have been studying...

So...I was sitting in the library avoiding all of my homework as usual, when two women came up to me and asked me if I knew "I had a spiritual mother" ... well to begin with (because there are so many things wrong, or rather, puzzling with this 'event' on my Thursday evening) I will explain what I was doing...avoiding my homework like I said, but I was doing that by taking stupid pictures of myself with the (for some reason I have yet to know) really cool "Photo Booth" on my computer ;) and then I saw a hand start waving in the background...oops, got caught. I turned to my right saw two women (normal, nicely dressed women) and then I was bombarded with all sorts of questions....

They = CW (crazy women) and Me= Me.

CW: "Do you know you have a spiritual Mother?"
Me: "No."
CW: "Well, you do. It is in the Bible. People don't realize that they have a Spiritual Father and a Spiritual Mother that also gave birth to their soul."
(right about now is when I give my fake smile and think to myself that these women are absolutely insane, I just want to take some pictures. And 'I wish I was doing my homework right about now.)...
CW: "Do you have a physical Mother?"
Me: "Yes."
CW: "Do you know that you have eternal life?"
Me: "No." (I really wish I had said 'Yes, I know I am going to live forever' to this one... :)
CW: "Do you believe in God?"
Me: "umm, well...."
CW: "Have you ever read the bible?"
Me: "Just a little bit" (Why did I even bother answering this??)
CW: "Well you know your Spiritual Mother is in there? Could we please just show you one verse in the Bible?"
Me: "umm, no thanks."
(this is when I was starting to get a little more uncomfortable, and got to thinking that it was a little embarrassing to get caught taking those damned pictures...)
CW: "You will find eternal life through the Bible and your spiritual Mother. Please just one verse?"
Me: "No thanks."
... and here is my favorite part:
CW: "Ok, well what is your name?"
Me: "Danielle"
CM: "That's a very pretty name."
Me: "Thank you."

...And then they left. What a comforting thought to know that not even my school library is protected from some crazy people trying to force some sort of religious nonsense on me!! And what is quite strange is that this sort of thing happens to me all over campus...how frickin' crazy, man!! :D - I ever think that I tried to get recruited by some helpers of these people about a week ago, but they didn't get this far with me that time...

That is not really what got me frustrated about this whole thing....I always wish I had said something different, something cool and witty..."Oh, yes...Spiritual Mother? I met her the other day. We had some coffee and donuts and a lovely conversation." - I blame it on the fact that all I was thinking about was keeping my voice down because I was in the library (yes I know I naturally do that anyway, but whatever).

But, no what amused me the most about this situation was the fact that right before the hand started to wave in the background I was thinking: "I sure hope someone doesn't walk by and see me taking these stupid pictures of myself. That would be embarrassing"

A re-blog:

Originally written on: Tuesday, November 18, 2008 at 11:39pm. Title: Never know...

Danielle fell in love with a poet tonight!
Who would have thought, she never really even liked poetry that much.
But the book in the library was just so adorable she had to pick it up and see what was within the pages.
The man's name is William Packard. The book is called "voices/I hear/voices."
The strange, short poems he writes, she thinks, are absolutely intoxicating.
The brevity of the poems was what drew her in.
She could not put the book down, she finished in a mere 10 minutes.
But she knows that what is within the lines of his poems will extend throughout a lifetime, will stay with her for a lifetime, and what a lovely lifetime it seems.
And what a way this man had of reading her mind, putting some things she has thought into a tiny little book.
She didn't know that know that someone like this existed.
But she is quite content that someone like this does exist.

And now she will stop rambling on and quote the foreword of the book:

"Most of us don't hear voices; we hear noises, and try to overlook them. William hears voices and writes them down. And well that he does. The sounds in our heads, in some sense at least, comprise the meaning of our lives.....Read and listen to William's voices, if only as a way of beginning to hear your own."
-Robert Lax

And now she will quote four of William's short, beautiful poems (at least, she thinks they are beautiful):

=

wander around
wondering what
will become of me

=

the flower
now she
shrieks for love

=

who will think
of us in
times to come

=

dear god do
guide me as
i strike doubt down

=

And reading them over now, they almost seem to have lost that spark. But she will remember what she felt in the first moment she read them, that sensation of: Fucking awesome, I think I am in love, with a poet; this must be what I have been waiting for.

*(and who knows why Danielle feels compelled to talk in 3rd person, but all that can be said is that she thinks it is quite fun! :) )

Nice to know ya'

"Well, the thing is, I don't write, like, twenty page articles or something like that...I just write to write...and yea, I think that I do it everyday in little bits and pieces that eventually will add up to something, well that I hope will add up to something. Something that I just do not realize at the moment...."

Did you ever have one of those moments when you thought you had found something (either read or saw or experienced) that you thought was so profound you just had to share it with all the world. You could not believe what you had found, for it was so amazing. It was so wonderful. This must be the truth, this might be the right, this must be the answer. And then there is that sort of calm and relaxation, that rest like you have finally found some sort of answer.

And there will always be those people who you tell that think you are absolutely insane, that think you are crazy...but you don't mind because you believe that you have unlocked some sort of secret to the world.

And then there is that moment that happens some time after the epiphany. The moment when you realize that you really did go absolutely insane. Even though you hate to admit that the masses were right, they just were.

What you were feeling was only temporary. It could not last, just could not. Whatever you thought was the 'answer' was so far from it is inconceivable. And you just do not know what happened to you to make you go so blind.

But that certainly does not mean that you are a part of some homogeneous herd. It was just with this one instance. And you in no way regret the spell you fell under. It was certainly fun while it lasted, yet you are a little embarrassed. You just wish that you could know when you are falling under the spell of something ridiculous to avoid all of this drama. Then AGAIN it was an experience that you were glad to live. Oh, the drama.

So what exactly is the fine line between too much praise and just some sort of false hope...you are good, but you are not that good. (damn, I had some train of thought with this idea and now it is lost because I got too distracted from 'surfing' the web. :)

utter nonsense, I say.

There really is something interesting about the fact of this whole bigger picture vs. everyday life concept…I just cannot articulate it at the moment. This entry has been so truly dirty, truly sloppy...

....My mind really does keep wandering, how terrible. So what I really want to get at is whether or not what is going on in the moment truly matters…those itsy bitsy things that we do everyday, that we see everyday, that we live everyday. Or, is the only thing that truly matters that ‘bigger picture’ thing I have heard about? Something to question. Should we care about the people that interact with us now? Or just know that someday it will all be better? Should we bother ourselves with the trivial of everyday? Or just know that one day none of that will matter?

After all, I mean what is really wrong with only looking out for yourself?And just living for that someday. That is the best that we can truly do for ourselves…in some sense, at least.

But, then again...they contradict, they go hand in hand, you can't have one without the other. (anyone hearing a 'Married...with Children' theme song in the background?) You cannot truly accept that you only have to worry about all the little things that we say and do in the everyday moment without knowing that all that matters is the 'bigger picture' in life. Because after all that is what it all adds up to. Those little things are so very important because we don't remember what we actually think is important, but the little words we think will be forgotten.

Life really can't really only be about that humdrum routine we shuffle through everyday (what we think is important). But, it has to be about the little interactions that add up...maybe I am wrong...

And also for the fact that there could be bad everyday things that we need not to worry and there could be those beautiful everyday things that we need to remember. Maybe you just have to think about it according to what is happening to you, you have to twist it according to your mood at the moment. See, then really what is the point about thinking about any of it? If we are just supposed to be greedy and make sure everything always works in our favor, what is the point?

Well I believe that both sides have strong, lovely cases. Yes, you should only care about the little things in life – those everyday things…that is what we remember the most. Sometimes those little things are so dreadful we don't want to think about them, so we therefore need to trouble our minds with something bigger....I suppose it just all depends on what you cannot control in the situation i.e. who you are talking to, what the circumstances are. But who wants to put their fate somewhere they cannot see it? Well,maybe that is just growing up.

Or I suppose you could just say, what does it matter if, in the end, it will all be forgotten?

I know that, at this moment, I give up.

say what you will...

The child in me still finds it very hard to believe (and accept) the fact that time has to pass for us to heal. Why do we have to say goodbye to say hello to some sort of new life? ...To some sort of sanity in our lives? I mean sure, obviously if you want to change you have to rid your life of some things - but why does it always seem like you have to get rid of the things that you desire, the things that you wish to keep the most?

Life is full of these terribly stressful 'seeming contradictions' - paradoxes; or whatever you wish to call them. And I sure know that my life likes to fall under the every-frickin-thing-is-a-paradox category.

We always lose what we want the most - because we love it so much, we have to let it go. We are therefore able to let it go.All this really brings to mind for me is whether or not we really love what we have, what doesn't fall away from us...do we?

Oh, gosh another headache trying to grasp my mind over this nonsense.

uh-oh

I think that I have done something bad. Bad to myself. Something that I thought I had learned not to do, something I thought I had learned from. Something that I thought I was over, something I thought I would never fall into again.

And to think, there was a moment when I sighed with relief. But now, the paranoia is back.

I mean, really…why do we like to put ourselves in situations that we know will only cause us that nice ‘ole heartache?

Uh-oh, for sure.

It's almost (the proper) time for Christmas music!

Oh, how things change in a week...or how they stay exactly the same. I really have no point at all for this post, just felt like posting something...

Still confused as to what is the right balance between confidence, an extremely large ego and ignorance really is.

That somehow makes sense when you think about it. I have other words I could use there also, but I do not feel like thinking about them at the moment. Or maybe it doesn't, all I know is that it has been driving me crazy for some time.

Sometimes I choose not to use contractions when I speak and write, does that make me sound 'stuffy?'

la pioggia mi fa stanca.

I hate making plans...I never keep them, so why do I make them?

♪"I don't want to wait.."♪

…Because I wouldn’t have been able to understand it then, but I understand it now. So now I have been opened up…awakened. And to think it took one small passage, no not a passage a sentence of five words…but, not exactly - that sentence was just the epiphany moment there was so much that built up to that…That sentence just came at a time when I would understand the words in a way that I do now; in the way that would help me.

That is what the wait was for. That impatient waiting. It almost feels like it makes sense now…everything eventually has a way of working out…but, as I have learned, I must not get too attached to this present state. I must not fall too hard, because as always in life, it is only something that is temporary and it will fade. Sure now is now and now may be lovely, but now cannot, and does not, last forever. So I must get attached to the memory, to the overall acknowledgment and realization of what has happened, of what I now know. Not the constant greedy feeling of euphoria I am in now….

…I must learn from past mistakes. – I am so thrilled I want to go scream at the top of a mountain, but what exactly? I get it now…I am all right, I am ok. I will get through it…it is all not that bad, really. I will be ok, believe me, believe in myself.…..
I always thought I have to wait for that day, and then I thought that there is not use in waiting for that day; we must make the day. But, the thing is, we must work through life for it to come – to see it, to realize it. We must not give up and be lazy. (ok, lazy is harsh but, umm, not productive?) We must fight through every day and simply know that one day it will come. We do have to essentially wait, but at the same time we must not wait and not dwell but continue to live. Something will come that will be worth all the work. And there is a difference between giving up and giving in. There is. Giving up is a loss of hope, giving in is the realization of hope; it is the acceptance of what you are, of what is in the world.

I must not forget the old friend "good things that come to those that wait" Have I already forgotten? Is this really true? How do I keep this thought with me and not lose the good that I can feel?

♪"I wanna do it right this time, yea..."♪

...it's something that extends beyond words. It extends beyond articulation. And, yet, that is all that it is. Words and interpretation and articulation and proper placement. Oh, music, how you have this way.

say it

I don't know.
I had this feeling that I should write (type) up a new blog, but - I don't know what to say.
It is Halloween. And I am not out all dressed up with somewhere to go.
I can say that I don't really like Halloween and that is why I (don't) do it.
But, like always, there must be more to the story.
Maybe I do like Halloween...no I don't just think of all that dread I had when we HAD to dress up in elementary school...I was so excited for the day when I got to middle school so I was not forced to dress up on 10/31.
The thing is, there is always something in the thought of it all. The thought of Halloween and all of the cool, creepy tales and whatnot that go along with it. All of the excitement and folklore (dare I say) that is within the holiday.....I just never fell into place with it all.
I will have to find a holiday all my own, that I truly look forward to every year.
And I thought that I would eventually get to a point where I would stop dreading the fall because school was going to start. And I thought that I would find that in college. But, the past two 'come September's' I have dreaded fall. So sad, Autumn is so beautiful, if only the pressure of this one thing was gone...what would then fill its place? Something else to dread? Nothing?
How sad. The story of my life.
But who cares. Life goes on, I will get over it, I think that I am already actually.....

mi piace il mio oroscopo.

Edit: I am very silly. I forgot that, because the website I was reading was essentially 'from' Italy, it was already 'tomorrow' concerning that horoscope. So, this is my horoscope for tomorrow. Or, actually, today because it is now the proper (next) day! :( Sometimes, I just get it all wrong when I think it is all right...So does this mean all the excitement for this prediction is nonexistent? (I knew it was too perfect of an 'ending' to what I was feeling) We will see, I suppose....

This is my horoscope (for Wednesday, October 29), in Italian:

Giornata creativa e grintosa. Di pigrizia non se ne parla: affrontate subito i problemi e poi dedicatevi ai progetti. A sera, poi, pensate solo a risplendere di fascino!

Parola chiave : vivacità

I think that it means one thing. And I like very much what it is that I think it is, how I translate it. And so I am going to keep thinking that it is what I think it is. (was that coherent English?) Even though it was so wrong from what my day was. (well, maybe not - it just 'left out' the breakdown) But it was just about right on (umm, confusing?) to the point where I treasure what ever it is that I believe it to be telling me. Because it is simply an amazingly (?) lovely thought, a wonderful thing to think of what my life could be (is?). :)

I forgot edit out all the bad words: long on post, short on originality

What a strange feeling it is to know that people recognize you. They know who you are, they remember you, etc. (well maybe there really is not 'etc.' there) I mean was that guy behind the counter just saying that simply because he is a conversational person and that is what he does? Am I simply taking this to some level it was never meant to go to? Is he thinking of someone else? How strange is it to become aware that people KNOW who you actually are. What happens now, in life, once we are opened up to whatever it is that we are - something that we never knew we were or ever could be. People think of you. People think of ME! How frickin' crazy, dude. ;)
Then there is always this lingering feeling that I have that maybe I am simply thinking too much of this. I mean, It was just some random happening while I was getting food. No big deal. But then again that is not all that I am really getting at here. I am getting at the fact that this is something bigger (hard to figure that one out, right?). This, as always with my wonderful life, stands for something I cannot articulate. Some other sort of metaphor to say that maybe I am not as invisible as I think/have always thought. Maybe I really am more than I ever thought possible. Maybe I am more than whatever I actually think that I am.
Then this whole thing about awareness comes into play. What happens now, now that I know, that I am aware? How go on living the right way to still be what I never thought that I was and yet be that better version of myself? Be that more 'confident' embodiment of what I didn't know I was,..to make it all work better? Why does it all have to be so difficult? I don't understand. And then there is still something that I feel I am not getting at. Like, what does this mean for me? I am really not this invisible person. I am really not whatever I thought I was - so am I ignorant to myself? But, mostly it has to do with the fact of - where do I go from here? How do I not let my thoughts run away with this? How do I be what I be - what is/was known; what is respected - with this knowledge. It is like some sort of pressure that is building, like I HAVE to live up to this because that is what people think of me. And how do I be this without letting them all down?
I almost feel, in a way, that I was better off not knowing because then I would have nothing to 'live up to' I would have no expectations. And the moment people expect something of you, or, rather, when you become aware you are something – you start to disappoint. As I said I would just be what I was 'being' and that 'be' it. I was better off not knowing because then I would not have this external - no maybe it is internal - distraction. Then again - maybe it is better that I am becoming aware of it because it is almost some sort of relief to know that I am not this invisible, unintelligent nothing. I just have to take all of this information and do the 'right' thing with it. But what is the right thing? Who am I to think that I am more than nothing? More than I ever thought? huh? Who am I to think any of that? I don't know.
The thing is I am just not fully convinced that this whole awareness thing is really where it's all at. I am not fully convinced that it is something to strive for, something to look for. Then again I am not fully convinced that living in ignorance, living in bliss, is really where it's all at either. So like always I am simply (ugh) stuck somewhere in the middle. Perpetually stuck in the middle - yearning to be on this side or that side - but not really liking either of those sides anyway. Then again, maybe there is some third side I am missing.
Then again, who really cares about what anyone thinks of you, IF anyone thinks of you.
Who really cares about anything at all really?

I believe...

One of the many things of my 'past' that I have come across...if you cannot make yourself laugh, what fun is life?

I believe…
In sitting by the beach – in the cold – in the rain- in the sun - in the dark – alone or with someone you love;
In sticking with your stubborn side;
In starting all over;
In mistakes;
In writing against the lines;
In typos;
In forgiveness;
In healing;
In ‘silent’ time;
In not waiting for someone else;
In relaxing;
In naps;
In the ‘gut’ (those damned instincts);
In doing nothing;
In plans falling apart (that is when they become the most fun ;)
That silence can be worse that hatred – yet it is still sacred;
That just being (whatever that means) is as beautiful as we will ever be.

mean, mean, mean!!

schadenfreude |ˈ sh ädənˌfroidə| (also Schadenfreude)
noun
pleasure derived by someone from another person's misfortune.

ORIGIN German, from Schaden ‘harm’ + Freude ‘joy.’

what I see

It never ceases to amaze me how absorbed we (I) can get (or fixated, rather) on one thing - like, how I can go for days, weeks even, listening to the same song - over and over and over - and forget about everything else that is out there, forget about what else it is that I have.

It is so easy to get trapped (lost) in our own worlds - our own perfect, pretty bubbles in life that we create (or maybe sometimes they are not so perfect and we get stuck thinking that we will perpetually be in misery...) We all have this amazing (dare I say) ability to forget about everything else - to forget what other 'songs' the world has to offer.

haha. What a metaphor for life.

Just think of all that is out there left to be explored and undiscovered and understood and on and on...oh, my I certainly am in some mood today... :)

well...it happens

Is there such a thing as being too aware of your life? Knowing all of your faults and knowing how you should live...too much? Can you really live the right way, and be real? Because when you are, it just seems too perfect. Like, how can you really know all of that, all of how to live properly?
You simply cannot live so perfectly, be so aware of what is right and what is wrong, be so able to not give a thought to the thoughts of others, be so unafraid of life (or not nervous) that you just live the right way - the way that we are all supposed to live, what we are supposed to live up to. No regrets and all of that. There has to be something missing in that outward perfection. I have heard that our flaws are what make us who we are. So, then what to the person who knows how to live without a care to any external distractions? What, then to the people who (dare I say like Socrates) who just let be, what be....?
Maybe it is just my jealousy. Maybe. Maybe I am so caught up in my lack of being able to live how I want to live that I cannot believe how anyone else could live in such a way - I cannot conceive of it. So therefore I need to look for the weak spots.
Who knows? I sure do not.

the dreams that exist...

if ever there was a time that I thought writing was fun/I liked writing/I was quite good at writing/I could write - I was wrong. Well, wrong may not be the exact word I am looking for, I must have been delusion (I must stop all this delusion nonsense). Now I simply wish to give up any sort of "critical writing and/or thinking" in the academic setting that I find myself in. I am simply incapable of it, and I am starting to convince myself that some people just are not meant for some things...and that is that. Is that so wrong? No! Whatever. I like that word, too. Whatever has always been there when I need it ;)

I don't remember what I was getting at anymore...

I just do not know

Simple is my word of the moment. nothing really exciting about it, it is just simply simple. I do not know why I have grown so attached to the word, it just happened...everything is simple, something is simply this or that, there is the simplicity of life (yea, right to that;) and on and on it goes....

simple |ˈsimpəl|
adjective ( -pler , -plest )
1 easily understood or done; presenting no difficulty : a simple solution | camcorders are now so simple to operate.
• plain, basic, or uncomplicated in form, nature, or design; without much decoration or ornamentation : a simple white blouse | the house is furnished in a simple country style.
• [ attrib. ] used to emphasize the fundamental and straightforward nature of something : the simple truth.
2 composed of a single element; not compound.
3 of or characteristic of low rank or status; humble and unpretentious : a simple Buddhist monk.
4 of low or abnormally low intelligence.

noun chiefly historical
a medicinal herb, or a medicine made from one : the gatherers of simples.


hmm...did not know that last one, as a noun, interesting... so I also feel like I am not doing/writing what I set out to do/write with this blog. I feel like I am not being as truthful or as honest as I had hoped....not to say that I have in any way lied on here, but just that I am not saying everything I could be...all of my truth.

'just' used to be one of my words of the moment a while back, I just like physically writing out the letter 'j' - it was lots of fun :)

I am crazy...sono un po' pazza!

I wrote this on 4/27/08 at 11:48p.m. and I have no idea what I was talking about, sort of. Bits and pieces I understand, but mostly I think I was just going crazy blabbing about something rather silly....

"it is like I can think all these things that have the ability to drive me insane (I forget that they are simply things, or complexly, I suppose) and sometimes I find out that it means nothing I was driven crazy for no reason. how odd is that? the strange things that i can think of that mean nothing at all. well it is like the fact of my plants they seems healthy from the window but i was not about to let my eyes deceive me, they were probably rotting away all brown and withered at the ends and roots by now without water and all of that. and who would let them sit there like that? adopt them like that? that is so rude without the call to say something and the shoes too. how freakin' rude. they just kept the money and my six year old plants that i had invested so much in but i suppose therein lies my problem also, why on earth would i invest so much in something as silly as plants ? I could not tell you. how strange it is when people are up close. there is some kind of something missing when you put someone in their home, their place of residence and out of the outside world where you know nothing but what they put out. what they can fool others with. and then it is such an invasion. such a window of something new. something private when you enter the place that they sleep in . now there's nothing to believe."

thinking 'huh?' - so am I, anch'io.

yea, whatever

I read that blogs are supposed to be 'short and sweet.' because, for some reason, that makes them more accessible to readers...well I think that is just...silly ( I will build my vocabulary...) every time that I start to write I have so much to say. hmm....

cogitate |ˈkäjəˌtāt|
verb [ intrans. ] formal or humorous
think deeply about something; meditate or reflect : he stroked his beard and retired to cogitate.

I am nothing if not redundant...

yes, this song is in my profile...but I love it so much I must put a link out here also...
love can be hard to articulate at times...
Wolf Parade - "Shine A Light"

talk about ethical things....

"Freedom is the obedience to God's law...you live up to your best self....doing whatever you want (with no boundaries/laws) is not freedom because, then, you have things inside of you that you are unable to control, things that take you over and you are therefore not free....living with an internal policeman is true liberation (with God's law we live up to our best self...)..."
And to think, I never really thought that much about God until these past few weeks. Amazing how others can 'enlighten' you, dare I say...
So, anyway. The whole internal policeman and the little anecdote that went along with it is what really got me to thinking. I remembered an incident where I was filled with guilt and forced myself to do right, and then one where I am not that sure if I was filled with guilt, because I never did the right.
I was in third grade, I was in love with sharpie markers (no I was not a young drug addict, yet I did like that smell...) Whenever there was a project in class that we needed to use a sharpie marker I got so excited. Or I constantly found excuses to use them ("I need to make my name on my quiz more visible.", etc..) This also reminds me of how in elementary school it seems that everyone was obsessed with 'white-out' and then how I tried to avoid it - to be the dissenter...go me! And then, in third grade I also remember how I was obsessed with writing those stories and binding the little construction paper books...I was so eager to share (odd for shy little me) Although I never really focused on the quality of those things - just the quantity...I wanted to show off, show how good of a student I was...I think that I still do that...Hence the whole "you seem very motivated." (but the whole thing with that is, sure, I do all the preliminary research but when it comes to actually writing, well...)
Anyways...what was I writing (blogging) about? Oh, right the sharpie marker...So, one lovely little third grade day we were doing some sort of project...you know all those silly teachers give to make time go by, ones that are supposed to help us indirectly 'learn' .... I cannot for the life of me remember what it was... The sharpie markers, all those pretty colors, were on some desk for us all to share and use freely. And I sly little, greedy child that I was wanted more sharpie than some silly school project would allow. I wanted more, more, more. (still do...I can never just appreciate something for the moment that it was, I have to take it with me and hold on to it forever, maybe I am afraid my memory will fail me...) So, I looked around to see if anyone was watching me, then I slid the sharpie in my desk. I had a smile on my face thinking of all the exciting things I would be able to do now that I would have a sharpie marker in my possession at my home, in my room...oh, the possibilities! So, blah, blah, blah a few days went by and I am sure I had fun...but then my guilt settled in and I felt so terrible every day I went to class and realized that I had stole something. I felt like I was going to get caught. (ya, know I think that I stole chalk one time, too. what was it with me and all these teacher-ly thing?) I felt like everyone knew my secret or that they would one day find out. So I made a plan...I was going to bring in the perfectly-purple sharpie and casually drop it on the floor and then pick it and pretend I happened to find it there...And that is exactly what I did. I can recall nonchalantly dropping the marker on the floor picking it up and saying to my teacher, Miss Mangel, "I found this on the floor." She thanked me, went back to her teacher duties, and I was obsolved of the evil that I had done. My internal policeman made me do right...Then again I almost think that maybe I did not give that pen back for the right reasons...Did I really think that I was wrong? Or was I just scared of getting caught? Is that the same thing?
I need to find new things to think about....

word

candor |ˈkandər; -ˌdôr| ( Brit. candour)
noun
the quality of being open and honest in expression; frankness : a man of refreshing candor.

Starbucks: The Place for Talk, Interesting Talk.....

Well, the strange things that happen when you are surrounded by strangers, in a town that, well, is close to a crazy city - full of complete strangers. (I don't know what makes an incomplete stranger...) It is amazing the impression that others give off. You can listen to a conversation they are having over the phone and make judgments...and then when they open up their mouth and talk to you, you have the same judgments it's just that you don't feel like such an eavesdropper. How powerful people can be is truly a remarkable thing. They can go to all these fancy-brand-name schools, be well traveled, and talented, and make lots of money, have an amazing resume and what not. Yet, they can be so fucked up (excuse me for that, but it was the only word that works here) with something as simple as their weight-their health (well I suppose that is not really simple) They can have such a crazy view of who they are and what they should be. Who wants to be some crazy work-out-aholic and miss out on life, on living, on simply being. (simple never applies to anything I say, does it?) It's like people have these brains filled with information but never the information on how to live a beautiful life. I mean, it is not like I know how to live exactly - in fact I am far from being able to know how to live...but there has always been something so wrong to me in this need to get ahead. The obsession for me. And I am certainly not above it - but I just always felt like there was more, well not more but different. And maybe I don't believe in happiness - but some sort of contentment is always at the back of my mind, one that I cannot define exactly....And then there is this part of me that feels like I should have gotten so much more out of this conversation/her talking on and on with this woman...but the only thing that sticks out in my mind is this crazy notion people have of their appearance of what they think they should be doing...and not doing - well, their life. Crazy how people can get trapped into a life they thought they had always wanted. When is it too late? When do we realize what is right?
Well, maybe I did get something more out of that...happening at Starbucks...to not let life get me down, to not be intimidated by anything, to not look back....to just do what I have always wanted to do because I have the oppurtunity - because I can and I want to...I do not want to feel stuck in my life anymore and maybe this chance happening is just what I needed to push through...to make me truly be - and feel like - this motivated person I am told I am...
perseverance, baby... ha! :) I think I like being crazy more than I should...

I like pictures of me...(myself?)

Yes, ok. I am going to get doing things that I need to be doing now.

this needs to be added to the vocabulary of many more....

nincompoop |ˈninkəmˌpoōp; ˈni ng-|
noun
a foolish or stupid person.

nevermind

All right, I take back what I said yesterday. I got a bit ahead of myself, or, rather, full of myself and forgot about an important 'quiz' that I had this morning and forgot to do a little bit of the homework....so I was actually a very, very bad - unmotivated student. Well, then again I don't think that not studying and what not makes me unmotivated - just preoccupied. Yes. Still very bad. Very, bad. I am so upset with myself. But, I suppose this means I will just have to work that much harder to redeem myself, my intelligence. Oh, those constant uphill battles...

thought

I seem like I am very motivated.
Well, I am told this, what does it mean?

...and suddenly it's cold outside

oh, no my dear - it is 'ugg' season once again... non mi piace...
So, it is only the second day of my 'reemergence' (reawakening, rebirth, do-over, epiphany, Decision to be...) as a guitar player, and already I am frustrated and ready to give up. I was reminded what got me down to begin with, what made me stop. My fingers seem to not be the proper size/shape/up to speed that they must be. And there is that terrible noise that comes with not hitting the right note or the right string. But, I must be patient, I must forgive myself. It has been months since I have played and I was not all that good when I played every day for five years, so I cannot expect myself to be any good after not playing for over a year. You really do forget so much in such a 'short' amount of time, truly. I just wish to put it all in my head and make my fingers (and my wrist and arm...whatever other body part is involved) play it all so wonderfully beautiful! (haha I am tired, forgive me ;) I am too determined now, much too determined to give up. "I will persevere!" Oh, so much easier said than done, so much easier. It is somewhat more relaxed now that I don't have to be worried about weekly lessons, weekly tests and nervousness about not getting it all right. Because I always thought that everything outside of a classroom was much more enjoyable no matter how much you enjoy it. There is just less pressure, you just are whatever you are and however you are and that is that. I mean, I loved photography but I am not looking forward to taking another class...all that stress about deadlines and tests and blah, blah. But, then I am told this mirrors "real life" so... Am I just some delusional, lazy kid? Probably but I still believe hobbies are what are true passions are and if you try to turn them into something more they are no longer what they used to be. I don't even know what I am talking about anymore. I just know that I am frustrated by my inability to be what I want to be, and I also know that I will NOT give up, give in, this time. Well, strike that I will be all silly and whatever and forget about the word 'not.' I WILL continue on and force myself ( if I have to) to practice everyday, every-frickin-day!
HA!
Oh, how life can be all about persuading our minds, (and then sounding like some ridiculous self-help book...but I didn't say that...) but it all starts with a decision, our will, our desire for something - to be something more.
I will leave with those words ;)

well....

So this morning was...OK. I woke up and it was raining, and that always has a way of setting me up for a bad day....I fell back asleep. Then I had to go bring my clothes to the laundromat....because the machines in these dorms make my clothes come out smelling worse than when they came in...it is truly disgusting - believe me. And the washing machine had to take over an hour to finish = me in a bad mood. I am in such an 'uneventful life' mood or whatever these days...I mean, honestly, who care about laundry...But, the 'big' thing that I did today was volunteer at the local museum. Some lecture about the media and the election and on and on that story goes. And I do feel like I have some sort of renewed hope, yet at the same time, there was some hope that i had gone....
The most fascinating thing no, no the most enlightening 'thing' that I got from the event has really nothing to do with the event at. No changed political views or any of that nonsense. I have decided to go ahead, truly go ahead and apply for the full YEAR abroad. In simple terms because I just want to, and I am blessed with the opportunity to be able to....And I feel the need for something more. When else would I get this chance? And if weren't to do it because of something like an extra semester....I would look back and say "another 4 months would have been worth it" I don't want to be with regret any longer. So I will take this chance. I will. And I want to go though with it, I only hope that my will is enough to make it all happen...

:(

Sad smiley face. I don't know why. I don't know what to post, just felt like posting a post. Or, rather, posting a blog? I don't know the correct way to say it - who cares. I miss the beach. Still, I miss the beach. I thought that being away from it long enough would make that go away, but I suppose nothing will - there is something so magnetic about the ocean...
Nothing really great about the day. Minus the fact that it, for the first time this season, was one of those beautiful, chilly autumn days. I love those days. Autumn, I believe, really is the most beautiful yet most tragic of the seasons. Watching everything change is....beautiful, and so sad. But I always thought that if summer had to go Autumn is the perfect season to follow it...
blah, blah. I don't know what else to write, to blog. To sum up the day depressing financial talk, sad state of my place in this world, wonderful day to just simply relax and observe the beauty. Why can't that be done everyday? Sit back and relax and just be...what a lovely thought :)

the avoidance of homework

I always thought that he word 'homework' would disappear from my vocabulary once I started college. Not because I thought I would have less work to do, (that is certainly not the case) but because that noun seems so.... high school. OK, so I sound ridiculous, never mind that thought for the moment. So, I think that I took a nap earlier...I don't know, I mean I remember lying down at, like, five and then it was just seven...but I remember the time in between as if I was not sleeping. Who knows just one of those weird boring days. That is all I can say. Well, during my one class, the religion one, I again had some sort of renewed hope and felt all...inspired for the day, and it was nice, so nice, so lovely. I never want to leave the words. I feel as if I need them to be said to me forever and always. And is that not a scary fact of life - that I still feel I need (I do) depend on someone's words to get me by. I don't know how to take them with me. How do you take that feeling with you? I don't know, I just wish that I had the strength, or the sense, to take all of that and use it for something better in my life. But, then again, what is really wrong with needing, or dare I say using, another's experience - their knowledge to help you get through your days? Is that not the point of life and each other - to help one another. Oh, how naive I can be. Oh, how my vagueness is so wonderful. Ha! I know what I am talking about and sometimes that is just all that I care about. :) So...lost my track there...hm, I don't know why I am doing so many '...' in this post...
I think that I may be turning into some sort of religious person from all of this inspiration I get, ahh, if only I knew how to take it beyond what I am at this moment....!

nope

My excitement has faded so quickly...or it has just been temporarily hidden due to depressing information. Did not get the job, study abroad cost a lot of money, no money coming in...easy to put those pieces together... :(

sono eccitata!

I am still ridiculously excited about 'blogging' (mostly because I had always thought of it as some foreign thing people do on the internet, then I looked into it) and I am still ridiculously excited about my study abroad program(s) (even if I cannot decide which one to go one, I figure it is a good problem to have :) and I have recently just started to get excited over the fact that David Cook, my AI fave, has just released his first single! It brings back memories of a mere few months ago when I was completely OBSESSED with him. I was a bit of a psycho, I will admit. But he made me feel so inspired. Oh, God I sound so absolutely cheesy and disgusting...but don't care! I mean, after all that/during all of that I made a decision to take out my guitar and practice, practice and to write, write some songs...and I started to and I wrote and then, like always, I got frustrated and stopped but...I have some sort of renewed perseverance to do it. And even if I have not exactly gotten back into the swing of practicing, I have written more ever since then, than I ever did... and I consider that an accomplishment...well if you want to call it an accomplishment. Mostly I am proud that I was able to stick with most of what I set out to do...I will get there one day. I am slowly (I know, pathetic me) realizing that most things in life just don't happen without effort. hmm, sad fact of life. But, point is I still have that hope for someday, which may not be the best of what I could think ... whatever. But going back in time and remembering what I was then, what I was thinking, what I felt - how passionate I felt - makes me feel so damn happy. :) Yes, happy is that not a lovely feeling?
I feel like I should be saying so much more about this, about all of my strange thoughts and how they were started and blah, blah but I think too much saying would be bad...the only thing that need to be reiterated is the fact that I felt I could go out and accomplish something I had always wanted to do, something ( I don't know what) made me think that I could do it, something made me actually put my pen to the paper, and my finger on the guitar...something. And I am so thankful for whatever decided to take over my brain... :)

Triteness

So, something came up in class tonight about the age old argument of a how a man reacts to a situation compared to how a woman reacts to a situation. (vague, I know - hold on) It was said that, for the most part, men are more argumentative than women. Men are willing to have an oratorical battle and get all up in each others faces and women are more prone to stay quiet and (this is what got me interested) go home and write about their arguments. Now, it was said that usually these written arguments are said very well and blah, blah...but does this make me some sort of cliché? I mean, this seemed to speak to me. I know that in class I have this so-called terrible tendency to stay quiet and then I just love to go off and write about it. Hell, it is what I am doing at this very moment. I didn't sit in class and talk about what I am typing write now, I waited. Ugh!! And here I was thinking that I was some kind of special for being able to somehow communicate what I was feeling - even if maybe it came out too late. So, what? Now I know that this is some sort of standard practice among women? Well that is kind of putting all women in a stereotype, which frustrates me also about all of this. But....hmm lost my train of thought. I mean, I suppose I am just being selfish about this whole situation, this was supposed to be my thing. Sure, I know others did it, but... and it is not like I really have some desire to start some oratorical firework display in class next week to prove a point, I just feel exposed on some level. Then again it could be something good. That my efforts and abilities do not go on unnoticed and I am not trying to turn this into some kind of feminist argument - at all. That is not my point, like I said I am being completely selfish in this situation. How the hell do I fit in, do I stand out after this method of letting out feelings in writing and blah, blah was already on display?? I do not think I am explaining this properly at the moment, maybe, because I am too close to the situation. I might think about it more "objectively" later on and sort through it all again, but for now...Devo studiare Italiano! :)

And I'm off....

This is my first blog!! I don't really know what I am doing. All I know is that I want to write something somewhere where I am not the only one who has the possibility of reading whatever it is that I write. So, I suppose this should be the start of something exciting :) I will try to fight whenever I get stuck in one of my uncreative, unable-to-share-my-thoughts ruts...but I cannot make any promises. So, again, here is my attempt at trying to show what goes on in my mind, what I happen to think very important, and maybe it will important to someone, anyone out there willing to read. I feel like there is really nothing else left to say at the moment...this is simply my starting blog post..and that is all that needs to be said for now. Yes, only for now.