"It's the most *insert word of choice here* time of the year..."

Yes, Christmas is creeping up. Closer and closer it gets. Ugh. That is all that I can say about it now. Sickness and rain and cold and Christmas just do not seem to go together. Even if there is some sort of something that Christmas is supposed to mean minus all that I am feeling at the moment. Some greater meaning of Christmas I should be remembering and not my little (quite large, actually) stuffy nose.

But, anyway that is not my point of this post.

Christmas time, for me, means that I have to put on my cute little 'baker' shoes. I am expected every year (and with every other holiday) to bake something delicious. Some dessert that, that I may not even want, but just one that others want (is that not what the holidays (life) is about? forgetting about yourself and doing something kind for others?;).

So, let's forget about the fact that I am losing the desire to continue on with this. Well, that is not really possible, that is my point for this thing.

This is what is expected of me this year (what was kindly suggested that I make):

Rugelach

Dough:

1 cup cream cheese

1 cup butter

1 2/3 cup flour

Filling:

2/3 cup sugar

1 tbl cinnamon

1 1/3 cup chopped walnuts

4 tbl butter melted

1 egg yolk beaten w/ 1 tsp milk

To prepare dough beat cream cheese and butter together with a mixer at medium speed until smooth and fluffy. Gradually add half the flour, beating at low speed only until blended. Stir in rmaining flour. Scrape dough onto a lightly floured work surface. Turn to coat with flour and divide into thirds. Shape each portion into a disk and wrap in plastic wrap. Refrigerate overnight.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line two large baking sheets with parchment.

To prepare filling combine sugar cinnamon and walnuts.

Roll one portion of dough on a lightly floured surface to a 12 inch circle. Brush with 1/3 of the butter and sprinkle with 1/3 of the walnut mixture. Cover with wax paper and press filling into dough. Remove wax paper. Cut into 12 wedges. Roll each wedge from its wide edge, and set rolls point side down on a baking sheet, 1 inch apart. Repeat with remaining dough, butter and filling. Brush the rolls lightly with egg yolk mixture. Bake about 30 minutes until pastries are golden brown. Rotate baking sheets top to bottom and front to back during baking to ensure browning.


OK, so. That is that. Easy, right? I don't know. I mean who feels like doing what is always expected of them? All this work and for what? To eat? What, who wants to do that?

And I remember so vividly the disappointment (possibly anger/outrage) that I received on Thanksgiving from people for not making/baking something to indulge their sweet tooth.

So, what? I didn't feel like it. I was lazy and I enjoyed it. This is what I thought that I wanted - to not be the person...the cute little girl who bakes cute little, delicious things; like a good, little girl. But, I think that without it I sometimes find that I like being that person. Because that is all I know who to be, who I was, who people like me to be. Venturing out on something different is always complicated, it is so easy to stay nestled in your nice little shell. One that you have always known to work so well.

I suppose what I am really trying to say is that I am still finding it difficult to break from the things that are expected of me. What others think that I should be. Whether I want it or not. I cannot break free and feel good about it.

Because, I guess, I will always have that time where I was innocently driving in the car with my mother and I asked where we were going. And she responded, "To the grocery store. You are baking a cake, we need to get the ingredients."

How do you break free from what you don't even know?