And I found more than 7; the lucky 7.

This is what I can say I learned in JANUARY: (this is what I can say I have taken from this month, when the year is all said and done..my goal for this new year, right?)

Well, I was searching only for 7 things about myself that I thought were quite interesting. 7 things that I thought others would be interested/surprised to know. It was one of those "I tagged you now you write and tag others things" (I know dull, I was bored). And then I came to the realization that:

1. I have not live that much.

-And-

2. “…I am a nervous, shaky person. That is the conclusion of all this. I am always nervous. And it is always for something that is beyond my control. How freakin’ sad. (and, yes the list continues to this day, but I usually don’t spend my days playing silly games in a classroom. Well, you could argue that one I suppose)” = my direct quote from writing that thing out.


I will try to explain out the context that that quote was wrapped in… I found out through writing that silly thing that my whole life has been attached to something so simple and consuming as fear. Simple and consuming as nerves. I am afraid if I do 'x' or 'y' that 'this' or 'that' will happen.(possible I try to control the uncontrollable, no?)

I always have these nerves of …something, anything that take me away from doing what I had wanted to do. I feel so powerless, really. I have let something else (whether people or a feeling) control my life and it has been forever. I mean, sure it make a cute little story to say I can overcome, but, come on, that stuff is only worthy in the movies.

I mean, I always knew that ‘fear’ and nervousness’ were directly attached to practically everything that I did, and still continue to do. But, I never really knew how much it consumed my life…How much it has caused and regret and blah blah. And it was all for something so ridiculous as this.

I am certainly not going to say that now I am changed and will relinquish the fear and the nerves from my body. Because that is just not going to happen, not at all. Those two things will always haunt me, and be the evil shadow following me forever. All that I can sincerely say now is that I am aware of them, so now I can see them when they are going to hinder something in my life…Perhaps one time I will be able to overcome one of these incidents.

Maybe, just maybe.

Do something that scares you everyday.

Yes, that title was very good advice. I agree. Of course everyday...? Might never accomplish that one. Even if I know (and love) the gratification that comes with overcoming/accomplished some looming fear...

But, I digress. The point of this was to say I am officially relieving myself of the "Things you don't know about me" post. I have been trying to fix it up to post here for the past two weeks and it has not happened. That therefore must mean it is not worth my while, right?

I mean, in truth it doesn't actually need revision rather it needs chopping. But, all that is really important is the fact that I wrote it about myself. Made myself think hard on some things that I am/was. And that is all the satisfaction I need from it.

Who cares if anyone else will read it? I cannot anymore. I do not. Then again, perhaps one day...but I cannot see it looming, I cannot feel the dread...

Then again this is only what I say...

Well, it's give and take...

So thought for today...

Which one is true:

"You are who you pretend."
-or-
"You pretend to be who you are."

Ah-ha. Now that is one of those tricky, tricky situations...

Perhaps both contain some sort of truth. Well, does that mean they are the same thing? It is highly possible that I am making this out to be something that it is not. But, yet I continue to think.

As always

To say

Writing to write. Writing without a function. Without a cause. Without a need. Without anything worthy.

Only to ramble.

And now the writing has finished.

End.

Ah, The Words...

What a strange fact. Life really does have this power over every single person. A powerful power. It has the ability to make you satisfied, happy, melancholy or sad.

I think that the only real moments that we need to remember and memorize are the ones that move you. The ones that don't necessarily make you happy, but the ones that just make you think that 'life ain't that bad after all.' ...

Life is something that only gets better with the things that may not please us. Life is certainly the best when we are aware of all that there is for us to offer. It's really when we are aware of the fact that those moments when we are just feeling, and truly living...those are the best...not the moments of bliss or happiness...those are fading, those better worse for the fact that they must fade so miserably.

Ah, when we become aware. When we just realize that we are human, and that is all we will ever be. The kind of humans that make mistakes, do right and wrong, have faith and have doubt (most certainly the most significant), say something one minute and then fail to follow through the next....All because we are simply human...and we change and we be...

And those moments when there are no words except for the thoughts that run through our head. The thoughts that make us want to jump and shout for the realization of them, but then if we actually did jump and shout - those thoughts wouldn't really be learned, would they?

Whatever all of that really means.

play dead. it stops the hurting.*

Well, the sad facts are just that … I hate responsibility, I feel like I have this OCD where things need to work out my way or the highway. (this is why I have always dropped ‘quit’ what I could not handle in the past?) I have the want and the need to be a perfectionist, but I never succeed. I procrastinate and then when I wait to the last minute to do things. I surely rush and never get them done adequately, as I would have like to get them done. And yes, you could say that there is this one easy answer to all of this and then everything would be not-what-it-is-now. But, oh how things in life are so much easier said than done. Always.

Where oh, where are you the hope of yesterday...not even a mere 24 hours gone...where have you decided to hide away? I want you back...

And then there is the fact that I take everything and I do mean everything, personally. As personal as it gets.

*unfortunately 'playing dead' is a figment of the imagination. One in which you cannot hide out in for very long.

Twitter Talk.

So, I have recently been following this 'person' on Twitter called "Positive_Thinkr" (http://twitter.com/Positive_Thinkr) It does not take much for me to fall in love with the words of another, so this twitter persona was a perfect match for me.

Ah, and the reason I write this is because today alone it brought two lovely quotes into my life...
"Many people shy away from dancing because they don't know how to dance~But real dancers are the ones who can hear the music in their soul."
-and-
"When the world says, "Give up," Hope whispers, "Try it one more time." ~Unknown

Oh, what a sucker I can be...but I just love the words, all words...
You know, I think that I would speak in quotes the rest of my life...if only I was able to remember them all, and also not have my own thoughts running through my head. ;)

Dani is a Comma

You Are a Comma

You are open minded and extremely optimistic. You enjoy almost all facets of life. You can find the good in almost anything. You keep yourself busy with tons of friends, activities, and interests. You find it hard to turn down an opportunity, even if you are pressed for time. Your friends find you fascinating, charming, and easy to talk to. (But with so many competing interests, you friends do feel like you hardly have time for them.) You excel in: Inspiring people You get along best with: The Question Mark

What Punctuation Mark Are You?

rhyme and reason

Is there any worse realization in life than becoming aware that all you hate about your life is really all your fault…and your fault alone? (excuse the ridiculous repetition)

Nope. I think that has to be the absolute worst.

Perhaps it is just hindsight and regret colliding, exploding and causing all kinds of trouble.

Ah, what a sad day it is...

need to know basis

loll (lŏl)

–verb (used without object)
1. to recline or lean in a relaxed, lazy, or indolent manner; lounge: to loll on a sofa.

2. to hang loosely; droop; dangle: The dog stood in the heat with his tongue lolling out of his mouth.

–verb (used with object)
3. to allow to hang, droop, or dangle.

–noun Archaic.
4. the act of lolling.

5. a person or thing that lolls.

Origin:
1300–50; ME lollen, lullen (perh. imit.); cf. MD lollen doze, sit over the fire

Who would have thought

I want to time travel. Back in time. Back to the past that I have wanted to run away from and erase from my mind for so long. And Sure I can say that I make my future into whatever I want it to be. But all I think is that it will only be half-assed. (yes, yes ... excuse the language) I think that whatever I try to make of my future will just be thing longing/trying to make up for what I never did. It will never really be, what I really want. If only for the fact that there will always be a part settled in the past. Sin. And then I will come to regret that. And the vicious cycle will continue and continue. Ahhh. Maybe 'past' is becoming a taboo word. Probably not.
Sigh, Sigh.

♪"...lost and insecure..."♪
Except what happens when you are never found? Never saved?
♪"...Why'd you have to wait?"♪
Stupid songs.

True simplicity, no?

"Love makes so many beautiful promises and it will always disappoint in the end."

How simple. How little. How cliché. How known. How true. How redundant.

But, how long will it ever take to overcome the disappointment? Is it ever really possible? No. It just follows you around and haunts you for the rest of your life (I can assume) and the strength of it diminishes...Or, at least that is what your mind tells you.

Looming things

Today was the supposed "deadline" I gave to myself to finish my essay.

So far, not so bad. I have actually did something more than I have in... I don't know, the past two months? This is good, right?

Wrong. I keep coming up with all of these ideas that I simply think are so wonderful...and then as soon as they get on the paper (the computer screen) = some of the worst words I have ever seen thrown together in my life.

My problem for today. No, that's a lie, this is always one of my problems. I can never just concentrate on one thing and keep it all nice and pretty. I have to try and go on these tangents and make everything all interesting and "non cliche" ... Maybe it has worked one time or another. I don't know.

I just wonder if I will ever be able to stick to the question at hand and answer it all simple and easy like it was meant to be answered. And then possibly get things done on time. (well, have a little breathing time?) But, no if I ever did that I would not be Me. I would be giving the same 'ole answer and be a drone... and what good would I do the world then? (or atleast, the person who has to read the thing)

See, but then there are those times when I think that I try so hard to be all...and it fails miserably. And, in fact it is really all just like the rest...then again there are times when I think no one really stands out in the world. No matter what. Ah, sadness and misery and loathing.

Ah, the trouble with trying to be "unique" and stand out. And the pressure to fit in when you think you are simply a complete nut. Then again...maybe I have no idea what I am talking about in regards to myself. Whatever.

As always. Whatever to verbal incontinence.

I am off...to stare at the screen and perhaps write something in some kind of order that makes some kind of sense. I can see the end of this, I just can't make it.

Enough, Enough

I have not been able to concentrate on a thing I have set out/planned on doing. It is quite a shame. Or, rather, I am quite ashamed of myself. So, what this all means is that I have been wasting my time, doing nothing, and most certainly - hating myself for it.

Oh, the joy of 'Winter Break' ... How much I longed for it, and blah, blah, blah.

So, sorry to say, I still have not been able to concentrate on anything. Also, I really have nothing interesting to say because of this very reason. The only motivation I have for writing this is the hatred (ok, that was harsh) that is consuming my life, that I hold only for myself.

All that I really have to write is a quote. One that I stumbled upon while looking for something else. I will share because I like it, and because it gives me an excuse to blog. (Ok, I know that no one ever really needs an excuse, but have been in need of one these past few days.)

"....He said that fear doesn't cause running away. Running away causes fear. So if you hold your ground, you'll be brave. And that sadness doesn't cause crying. Crying makes us sad. So we should act the way we want to feel. And he said if that doesn't work nothing else will anyway." Andre Dubus - "The Lover"

Damn. Still nothing to run with. Ok. I leave short and sweet, no?

Some hope, I suppose

So, yesterday I received a new magazine in the mail. "PB Teen" Ya, know that lovely, hip designer home goods place...The one with the pictures of perfect rooms that no one has, but everyone certainly wants. (I admit, I always have wanted one of the pretty rooms..)

Ok, but anyway. The cover has all of the now-ever-so-trendy question "What's important to you?" Including a peace sign and the smiling teenagers. Then when you flip open to the inside cover all of the teens are in a different pose with little bubbles surrounding their head answering that very question.

One girl replies(she gets to hold the peace sign here): " I care about the environment - it's essential to our future."
And all I say to this is 'gag me'
Another girl replies: " Recycling - I resuse bags and totes every time I shop."
Gag me, again please.
To mix it up a little I will add a reply from one of the boys: "I surf all the time, so the health of our oceans matters to me."

Yea, like anyone is really going to believe any of this. Talk about fake things. Ugh. giving me a terrible headache. I must say. All trendy and ridiculous ... no one really cares about any of this stuff. And when they say they do, they rarely actually do anything about it. But, I suppose I am one of the people that is holding everyone back, right?

But, Besides all of this (what happened to only posting short things?!) My favorite reply is: "My room because it's where I do everything."

Ah, yes. One girl does not care about some nonsense. She cares about herself and what she does...not trying to save anyone...just bein' herself. Well, sort of.

Maybe there is some hope for normalcy...even if it is just one almost hidden quote in some decorating magazine.

The Nerve of Me

How could I possibly forget all of the hatred I have for the "New Year."
Whatever. It's just another day(s) with new numbers attached to them.
I sort of, almost got sucked into the hype.
And the only sadly-depressing thing I have to say is; WHATEVER.