And I found more than 7; the lucky 7.

This is what I can say I learned in JANUARY: (this is what I can say I have taken from this month, when the year is all said and done..my goal for this new year, right?)

Well, I was searching only for 7 things about myself that I thought were quite interesting. 7 things that I thought others would be interested/surprised to know. It was one of those "I tagged you now you write and tag others things" (I know dull, I was bored). And then I came to the realization that:

1. I have not live that much.

-And-

2. “…I am a nervous, shaky person. That is the conclusion of all this. I am always nervous. And it is always for something that is beyond my control. How freakin’ sad. (and, yes the list continues to this day, but I usually don’t spend my days playing silly games in a classroom. Well, you could argue that one I suppose)” = my direct quote from writing that thing out.


I will try to explain out the context that that quote was wrapped in… I found out through writing that silly thing that my whole life has been attached to something so simple and consuming as fear. Simple and consuming as nerves. I am afraid if I do 'x' or 'y' that 'this' or 'that' will happen.(possible I try to control the uncontrollable, no?)

I always have these nerves of …something, anything that take me away from doing what I had wanted to do. I feel so powerless, really. I have let something else (whether people or a feeling) control my life and it has been forever. I mean, sure it make a cute little story to say I can overcome, but, come on, that stuff is only worthy in the movies.

I mean, I always knew that ‘fear’ and nervousness’ were directly attached to practically everything that I did, and still continue to do. But, I never really knew how much it consumed my life…How much it has caused and regret and blah blah. And it was all for something so ridiculous as this.

I am certainly not going to say that now I am changed and will relinquish the fear and the nerves from my body. Because that is just not going to happen, not at all. Those two things will always haunt me, and be the evil shadow following me forever. All that I can sincerely say now is that I am aware of them, so now I can see them when they are going to hinder something in my life…Perhaps one time I will be able to overcome one of these incidents.

Maybe, just maybe.