Americans always think things are going to get better. They are so optimistic!

America, because of its resources and successes, has always had a culture of optimism. Americans believe that they are in control of their own destinies, rather than being victims of fate. Many Americans tend to believe that "the American dream" can be achieved by anyone who is willing to work hard enough. Many Americans believe that the only obstacle to things getting better is "not trying hard enough." Americans also believe that a personal lack of determination or effort can be fixed. Other cultures may believe more in fate ("what will be will be") When something bad happens, some members of these cultures believe it was fated to happen, must be accepted, and cannot be changed.


Building Bridges: A Peace Corps Classroom Guide to Cross-Cultural Understanding

The City

The City

You said, 'I'll go to another land, I'll go to another sea.
I'll find a city better than this one.
My every effort is a written indictment.
and my heart-like someone dead-is buried.
How long will my mind remain in this decaying state?
Wherever I cast my eyes, wherever I look,
I see my life in black ruins here,
where I spent so many years, and ruined and wasted them.'

You will not find new lands, you will not find other seas.
The city will follow. You will roam
the same streets. And you will grow old in the same neighborhood.
and you hair will turn white in the same houses.
You will always arrive in this city. Don't hope for elsewhere-
there is no ship for you, there is no road.
As you have wasted your life here,
in this small corner, so you have ruined it on the whole earth.

C.P. Cavafy, 1910

On Food

Sure, I left for a short time. But did they have to go on and change everything?
They took away my sandwich counter, and I feel starved.

Ok, so technically it's still there - just not the times that I am able to get to it. It's closed up and getting clean once I walk up to it. It feels as if there is a slow-motion quiet going on. I look around and everything is newly named, yet still the same. How could they do such a thing, huh?

Ah, to feel as if you're entering a new world even though you are simply re-entering an old one..

The Leaves

Breathe in, breathe out. Because there is nothing else that I really know how to do at the moment. And perhaps all I've learned how to do in moments of past decisions, moments of panic, second guessing - not knowing - the only thing you can really do is nothing. Simply forget all those options, and put a new one on the table.

Because as much as it can seem frustrating, we just have to wait for those moments of realization to slap us across or face. They always arrive at the wrong time, too late and perhaps never *that* clear. But, they slap us in a caring, loving, gentle kind of way that lets us know we have finally gotten to that little point we were searching for all along.

Past

The things I have started that I never thought would end, have ended.
I experienced them and they came to an end. And there are certainly some things I never go the chance to do, and other things I never expected to happen, well, they happened. After all is said and done my overall outlook on that experience, and what I could do with it in the future... it's different.
Ok, sad fact. And, ok, I always could envision myself in these days thinking of what I was doing the year before.

Notes From the Dishwasher

Every now and then I get a bit of a flash from a past moment in my life. I don't exactly know why, but it happens and it happens to you, too.

One of the most recent ones was while I was putting the dishes in the dishwasher. I was reminded of the fact that I had a few, uhm, 'mean girl' moments when I was younger.

You know, being friends with someone one day and then planning to give them and eye roll and a cold shoulder in the hall the next because you've miraculously decided they are too lame within a split second of clear thoughts.

The one in particular that I remember gives me a shudder when I think of the look on the other girl's face as she was highly confused by my snubbing of her for no apparent reason on that particular day *shudder* *wince* *etc.* (surely I was justified though)

And let's face I never was/would be that popular and I knew it. So who knows where these snotty little moments came from. A right of passage perhaps? (quite a ridiculous one if you boil it down to that, eh) And I never wanted to be, mean, but there was just something so intriguing with turning the other way and saying something cruel on the organized double line to lunch.

Thinking about it now if I had decided to act differently I don't think I would have remained friends with this particular person. We were quite different, not in the embrace difference sense, but in the you're crazy and I'm not sense. And, let's face it, not everybody is meant to be friends with everybody and I don't care what your teacher said and what those signs on the wall of the classroom told you. But, I'm not searching for an excuse for my behavior here.

And thinking about it now I would just like to go back and give that little girl a hug, and let's face it I'm not that big on the hug thing but a hug to a little girl who is completely confused by the absurdity of her said friend, I could do.
And all those other kids we thought were too un-cool to infamously "like" Vinnie, TJ, Colin too fat, too skinny farts too much, whatever it was, how silly it all seems now.

And perhaps they have forgotten about the moment that I affected their lives, maybe not. What it all means now I couldn't tell ya. Perhaps they have the 'better life'(doubt it, that's highly subjective) perhaps they are haunted by my words/think I'm a total jerk.

My actions seem odd to me now because I don't think of myself as the kind of person who could ever do that. And, yes, I regret these things. (only slightly, because then again I am one of those what-you-do-makes-you-who-are-in-every-way-shape-and-form type of people)

But, as always I am oddly happy with the things that I regret now, the things that make me cringe, the things that I would all do differently now. Because, for me, that means that I have learned something in this here life. And the moment you realize you've learned a little something is a pretty damn good moment when you're always walking around thinking you'll never learn anything.

And Then

...There are the times, you know, when you realize you (may) have exactly what you wanted. A

And you don't know what to do with it anymore.

Honestly I am doing nothing with my time these days. I don't have a job due to the fact that I was unable to find one that would actually want me and all my strings(the fact that I would be only working for the summer seems to be a problem in these days, eh) And sure I have my one day a week internship, which I am grateful for and love, but it all (doesn't) take up time.

Ever since I have returned I have never felt so... well, empty (cliche, but there is always a reason that these things are repeated!)

My days are literally filled with a continual routine of this and that. And then there is also the attempt to do this and that with my time. To read more, to write more, to actually do my work for my online class on time(all of the wonderful complexities of that online class deserve another post for sure!) to get organized, to figure out where I'm going and what I want to turn all of my energy into. Don't get me wrong, then there are the days I *love* this absolute nothingness, and if it could stay this way... yay!

Ah! Who has all the time to do these things when you have all the time in the world?
Ok, what I think I am getting at here is that I'm lazy, ok, known fact. What I think I am trying to get at here is that I don't understand why people, mostly me I suppose, always are so much more inclined to do things when they have absolutely no time?

So, it's like this. I can have a week to get something accomplished peacefully but I would rather wait to do it in the hours before it is due. Yes, it's the same old student story.

And I could say that while I was gone it was all so much easier, there was never any pressure, it was so wonderful and blablabla. Fact is that's not true, but fact there with the pressure I felt some sort calm with it, fact is that I am always getting to thinking that all of my here 'emptiness' (oh, gosh it just sounds depressing) will fade once my time is occupied with all wonderful school things come September.

But, why does all that have to wait until September? I suppose it's just my way of looking at it.

And then, you know, there are the times that we find out all we *truly* wanted is possible, after we have already settled for, and completed, the lesser.

And it's not even like we are able to go on and try again.

Realism

...but I'm just trying to figure out a plan that's not too unrealistic so I actually make it there.

The Returnal*

I am back. I am officially back from where I was going, and now I have to figure out where to go from here.

Quite honestly I never thought that being 'back' would mean that I am here. Here being this desk that I am writing from. This desk that I am writing from being located in suburbia, PA. That suburbia, PA being where my parents live and where I find myself for a lack of other resources. (I always thought one day I would get more spontaneous, you know, not worrying about money or time and place and resources, but just always working something out that I wanted, something that was slightly out of the ordinary. Eh.)

I thought Magic would happen while I was spending all those months away. And perhaps Magic did happen, but it's certainly not telling me what to do from now on.

It's almost as if everything in my life up to *that* point was to get me there. To get me into that experience. And now I lived it, and now it's over. And now where do I go from here?

It's like I have to start all over again, I have to figure out a whole new plan, when I should have been putting the finishing touches on my final plan already. I honestly have never felt so far behind. I was ignoring all the reality up to *that* point because I had a one-track mind and all I wanted to do was get out of that infamous *here* and get there.

And I got there. And I lived it. And now it's over. (Did I mention that already?)

So, now I am essentially stuck. All I had been saving and planning for went into that goal, and now it's all gone. I ask again, where do I go from here?

At moments there is a tinge of regret that washes over me. Regret from focusing only on that one thing, regret from letting it all slip away during those months. And then at other moments there is not a drop of regret within me. That was my goal, that was what I was saving and planning and dreaming for. For such a long period of time, and I actually did it. Sure it wasn't perfect, but I'm satisfied, I'm content with the outcome.

And with those short moments of contentment there is a certain peaceful calm that washes over me. I don't think anymore about what I don't have in these moments, what I need to do in the upcoming days. I just enjoy what I've done, the memories I get to re-live. And I get that silly feeling that things will just work out. I mean why wouldn't they? It's always been that way? It could be worse...


So, I suppose the question I should be asking is, how do let this push me forward and not old me back? How do I translate it into something else?

(No, wait. That's not the right question is it? Perhaps I need to wait for the right question to come to me... )


*Well aware of awful language usage.

La

And ain't it funny how all you've wanted is all you are never allowed to have?

And then it's as if we are in a perpetual state of childhood.

Make A Wish

You know the old little trick that when you lose an eyelash (at least the ones you notice that land on your cheek) you are supposed to make a wish and blow it away?

Well, you know how you always try to make some impossible wish, one that seems a bit far out of reach, but you just want it to come true? Some future plans, some meeting to end a certain way, some things that you never want to happen.

I always was wishing for the impossible through a fallen eyelash, and then upon the disappointment of those wishes not being realized I decided I would do it differently the next time one fell down. Instead of wishing for anything specific, I just say, "I just want to happen everything that is supposed to happen."

No specific ties, no disappointments, just letting life work out the way it should without any eyelash wishing interferences. Ah, and what a thought that can become.

So, then here's to hoping that all you want is the least you'll get.