The Returnal*

I am back. I am officially back from where I was going, and now I have to figure out where to go from here.

Quite honestly I never thought that being 'back' would mean that I am here. Here being this desk that I am writing from. This desk that I am writing from being located in suburbia, PA. That suburbia, PA being where my parents live and where I find myself for a lack of other resources. (I always thought one day I would get more spontaneous, you know, not worrying about money or time and place and resources, but just always working something out that I wanted, something that was slightly out of the ordinary. Eh.)

I thought Magic would happen while I was spending all those months away. And perhaps Magic did happen, but it's certainly not telling me what to do from now on.

It's almost as if everything in my life up to *that* point was to get me there. To get me into that experience. And now I lived it, and now it's over. And now where do I go from here?

It's like I have to start all over again, I have to figure out a whole new plan, when I should have been putting the finishing touches on my final plan already. I honestly have never felt so far behind. I was ignoring all the reality up to *that* point because I had a one-track mind and all I wanted to do was get out of that infamous *here* and get there.

And I got there. And I lived it. And now it's over. (Did I mention that already?)

So, now I am essentially stuck. All I had been saving and planning for went into that goal, and now it's all gone. I ask again, where do I go from here?

At moments there is a tinge of regret that washes over me. Regret from focusing only on that one thing, regret from letting it all slip away during those months. And then at other moments there is not a drop of regret within me. That was my goal, that was what I was saving and planning and dreaming for. For such a long period of time, and I actually did it. Sure it wasn't perfect, but I'm satisfied, I'm content with the outcome.

And with those short moments of contentment there is a certain peaceful calm that washes over me. I don't think anymore about what I don't have in these moments, what I need to do in the upcoming days. I just enjoy what I've done, the memories I get to re-live. And I get that silly feeling that things will just work out. I mean why wouldn't they? It's always been that way? It could be worse...


So, I suppose the question I should be asking is, how do let this push me forward and not old me back? How do I translate it into something else?

(No, wait. That's not the right question is it? Perhaps I need to wait for the right question to come to me... )


*Well aware of awful language usage.