I want it, I need it.

I have a real goal for the next year. Yes, it is true. And I can only hope that I have the power,the perseverance to remember it once all of the hype of the New Year has disappeared.


Well, I have made a small, but oh-so-significant goal for myself next year -
to write something of significance that I have accomplished with every month that will pass ...Someway that I have changed, become a little bit smarter, learned some truths and falsities…etc, etc..I want to record something that I can look back on at the end of the year,and be proud that I have accomplished something in my life, at least one thing every month worth living for.

And, yes I am aware how much a burden this could become(and in fact how terribly, for lack of a better word, 'cheesy' it sounds)but all that I want is something small that I can remember,some sort of proof I will have of all the growth I know is (and has been) happening to me.

Obviously this requires that I actually participate in activities that are actually worth my while.Activities that push my limits and are worth doing, worth living through, worth remembering,the ones that make me feel alive ... Ah, still the naivete? Or the learning?

I could try and rack my brains about this past year (since it is the last day of 2008 and all).But, too much, too lazy. (I know no real excuse). I have been, in these recent months, overwhelmed with this new life I have been creating and/or realizing and/or believing for myself. One that could actually happen.Could actually come to life. This one that I thought was only well reserved, and forever settled, in my dreams.

And somewhere in the past four months I have made this decision to change and be something more than I am.And I remember the moment(s) where I have really stopped and realized,and I certainly mean this crazy paused-life-and-realized, that I can change this to what I want,to something amazing.

But then again, there is something that I must say ... I have realized that I need to back off, but give in more.I have to somehow find the balance between falling in too deep and backing off too much.

Ah, the complexities. The seeming contradiction, the paradox that this is. Beautiful, really. No, am I joking?

Should I try and summarize, highlight the best point? ... Maybe for once, I will see something I can make of myself, of my future...and even surrounded by all of the nonsense of celebrating the New Year,I will be able to change myself, to make something more happen.

Maybe for once I will actually, actually learn from mistakes, and "do it again" right.

Ok, I admit....

...that yesterday I went to Wal-Mart. I know, I know always I try to avoid this place like the plague, but some days I end up finding myself there. And some days I don't even know how or why I went in the first place...but anyway.

What I wanted to write about was the shocking discovery I had made within the aisles...

and also this...


Very similar pictures, but you understand right?
Valentine's candy in December?! What? I mean, what exactly is going on in this world? (Ok, I know this is not that serious compared to other things...but, it certainly needs to be adressed.) It is not even the New Year and already people are planning for holidays they aren't even certain will arrive?

Who knows what is going to happen tomorrow night? ... But, I think that candy will just sit there until about a week before V-day. Now people will speak of the craziness that putting it out this early is....The only people that are going to buy it now are the ones that just feel like having some candy...or the ones that are so depressed over the fact that they most likely won't receive anything from anyone on that day, so they will just buy it for themselves...

Hmm, I think that I may have lost my train of thought for this. But, if you can remember anything from this...just remember the absolute insanity of people...Always looking ahead and never just enjoying the moment...What happened to New Year's??

Happy 2009, anyone? (I mean celebrating that actual switching over of years...not just the events that are to come...)

Ah, the hopes...those lovely hopes.

"If we didn't have our imaginations, where would our minds run?"
^Does this make any sense at all? I can only wonder, only wonder.

Another Christmas has come and gone (and I think that another New Year will come and go) and I am still as vague and abstract and unknown as ever. I still leave out details that others supposedly have. I feel, always, like I am forgetting to add some detail in that will just make me think "Ah, that is what I am missing."

And those are just the facts. ...Well those are the facts minus the concrete details that make up whatever I am supposed to be, whatever my writing is supposed to be. There is no concrete 'this happened and then this exact descriptive thing happened' ...and I suppose that is just me. This is just me...I mean, is it all really that important in some 'environments' (talk about a creepy sounding word) to have all the nonsense of my life displayed that I don't even want to think about? Possibly, after all the words to think about are 'the right environment' Hmmm...

Strange how every season, every year, passes and it all seems so fresh and new. And then the next one arrives...and what happened to the newness that we once thought was so great? This is life, yes? The arriving of the new and the passing/moving on of the old? ...of what once was? How sad...I mean, what really happens to all that joy that we had only the season before, the year before.

Ah, the wonderful end-of-the-year holiday time, how I just love all the happiness it is supposed to bring into my life. If only life were like the movies and the commercials and all the expectations that we always have before the fact, the event.

I think that I am headed into some problems if this fact is already causing me grief.

"And there's a change.."

I hate my hindsight. I hate my ‘presight.’ I hate everything about seeing what I am not. I absolutely despise the fact that I can know what to say. I can know what I want to say…and then in the moment when the words need to come, they disappear. I hate everything about it.

I just hate the fact that I can dream up such a lovely picture of what I want to be, what I want to do what I want to say…and it never comes. When the moment finally happens…I always, and I do mean always, fail to deliver.

Is it possibly the fact that I think too much, prepare to much, about it all? That can’t be right, just cant. There really is no such thing as preparing too much, because you will always forget something. So, therefore you do more and more and more. Or, it could possibly be the fact that I prepare the wrong things. Yes, totally possible. I mean, maybe I have some sort of overconfidence that leads my mind astray and I am not really focusing on what I need to be focusing on to make all that is in my head a reality. Phew. Mouthful.

And now I get to the point that I am always at. I feel like I have answered my own question. I don't know if that is something good, or if it is the fact that I just don't know that I just don't know.

Sometimes, we are blind to all that we are(n't). We think we know, yet we have no idea.

"Try and understand..."

I think that it is such a shame, that at some moments (some days) you are so inspired. You can keep writing and writing and writing without stop....and then others writing seems like the most difficult thing ever known to (wo)man. And these maniac writing days are unfortunately only a rare few.

Well, as I have said previously it is that time of the year again; Christmas. Some people I know are aware of the fact that I am insanely obsessed with the movie “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” I, in turn, am well aware that some people have some problems with this film. Or, that they simply just hate it. I don’t know lack of Christmas spirit or something...?

And some people go as far as to attack the film…attack little Rudolph and Santa and Hermey, etc (they are the only truly good ones in the film. Sure you could say Santa was quite rude to Rudolph in the beginning, but...) I don’t understand why they would even bother to attack it. I mean, look how adorable Rudolph is! ☺ … But, all that aside I have been recently become aware that one reason why people don’t like. I believe it to be a blasphemous, insane reason.…

Some person has claimed that a terrible act against the English language occurs right before the two youngsters, Hermey and Rudolph, sing “We’re a couple ‘a Misfits.” while they are just becoming acquainted. Hermey exclaims “ Let’s be independent together!”

Now this is some sort of disgrace to the English language. Some sort of oxymoron. It is teaching children bad things….blah, blah, blah. Of course all the children that watch this movie are going to remember these four words of this one song for the rest of their lives and therefore they will never be able to speak English correctly!! I can't think of anything worse than this, can you?

See, I think that you must remember the fact is it is a child speaking after all…why would he speak proper English? He is simply making a declaration to his new friend. He wants to venture off into the world and not feel so alone. Is there some bitter resentment from whomever brought up this defamation? I happen to think it is a heartfelt quote. “Let’s be independent together.”

Taking words and phrases out of context always, always, messes with their meaning, their true meaning. This movie is about the connection that Hermey and Rudolph are able to make amidst all of the (dare I say it) racism surrounding them. This is a joyous moment. Ok, done.

And, honestly if you are going to bring up something wrong with the song, why don't you atleast bring up the words that really make no sense... "We're not daffy and dilly/Don't go around willy-nilly." Now, that is better than blip of an oxymoron? (If you are going to attack anything at all...)

"Don't Tell Me..."

I am wondering if it is OK, just ok, to know that you could be doing something better. I mean is it better or worse to realize your mistakes and know you could be doing something to fix them, yet you do not do whatever it is to fix them? … Or is it somewhat ‘better’ if you are in ignorance and do not do anything about it?

I mean, is it wrong/bad/evil to know you are doing something wrong, to know that there is a better way and you choose not to do the better? Out of fear and trepidation … or just pure laziness?

Well, you see this is my verbal inarticulateness. What I am trying to spit out is….Let's say, I know that I should be doing something like …. Oh, for example the whole 'I should study better' thing. Now, is it just ok ,that I know I should be spending my time more wisely and studying...If I am not actually participating in the act of studying more/better? Is just knowing OK? Is just knowing a 'step in the right direction?'

When does the line end for when you finally have to do something with what you are aware of for it to have any meaning? Or does the fact that I am not actually following with what I know make it all wrong? Because, in a sense, if I am not actually correcting my past mistakes I have not really learned my lesson, have I?

I mean, is just knowing something a little better than not? Is just knowing something better than – good enough- than not actually doing ‘it?’

Something that has been bothering me. I know, I read it over again and I only got an even bigger headache.

And, of course, it is never as simple as putting enough time towards studying. And it is something I don’t even know how to articulate. It just is….AHHH.

The thing is I regret things...I have read that makes me somewhat of a thinking person:

"Experience shows that someone with no regrets is someone with no inner inkling that he can do better. He cannot recognize his mistakes and remains attached to them, because he can’t see anything better ahead and so asks himself why he should give up what he has.”
- Carlo Maria Martini

And the thing is ... the surrounding text of this quote says that it is up to ourselves to correct what we do wrong. We must to grow and move on our journey, our life. Well, you could say that this answers my question...just being aware of how we should change does not really mean anything. We have to actually make the steps to correct ourselves...and then it means something, then it becomes profound.

Maybe all that this ever boils down to is the fact that I want some reassurance of that all I am doing wrong, is not so bad. Even though I know I should be doing more. ... I fail to take action.

"How you feel now will pass. Don't let it ruin your life."
-House

"It's the most *insert word of choice here* time of the year..."

Yes, Christmas is creeping up. Closer and closer it gets. Ugh. That is all that I can say about it now. Sickness and rain and cold and Christmas just do not seem to go together. Even if there is some sort of something that Christmas is supposed to mean minus all that I am feeling at the moment. Some greater meaning of Christmas I should be remembering and not my little (quite large, actually) stuffy nose.

But, anyway that is not my point of this post.

Christmas time, for me, means that I have to put on my cute little 'baker' shoes. I am expected every year (and with every other holiday) to bake something delicious. Some dessert that, that I may not even want, but just one that others want (is that not what the holidays (life) is about? forgetting about yourself and doing something kind for others?;).

So, let's forget about the fact that I am losing the desire to continue on with this. Well, that is not really possible, that is my point for this thing.

This is what is expected of me this year (what was kindly suggested that I make):

Rugelach

Dough:

1 cup cream cheese

1 cup butter

1 2/3 cup flour

Filling:

2/3 cup sugar

1 tbl cinnamon

1 1/3 cup chopped walnuts

4 tbl butter melted

1 egg yolk beaten w/ 1 tsp milk

To prepare dough beat cream cheese and butter together with a mixer at medium speed until smooth and fluffy. Gradually add half the flour, beating at low speed only until blended. Stir in rmaining flour. Scrape dough onto a lightly floured work surface. Turn to coat with flour and divide into thirds. Shape each portion into a disk and wrap in plastic wrap. Refrigerate overnight.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line two large baking sheets with parchment.

To prepare filling combine sugar cinnamon and walnuts.

Roll one portion of dough on a lightly floured surface to a 12 inch circle. Brush with 1/3 of the butter and sprinkle with 1/3 of the walnut mixture. Cover with wax paper and press filling into dough. Remove wax paper. Cut into 12 wedges. Roll each wedge from its wide edge, and set rolls point side down on a baking sheet, 1 inch apart. Repeat with remaining dough, butter and filling. Brush the rolls lightly with egg yolk mixture. Bake about 30 minutes until pastries are golden brown. Rotate baking sheets top to bottom and front to back during baking to ensure browning.


OK, so. That is that. Easy, right? I don't know. I mean who feels like doing what is always expected of them? All this work and for what? To eat? What, who wants to do that?

And I remember so vividly the disappointment (possibly anger/outrage) that I received on Thanksgiving from people for not making/baking something to indulge their sweet tooth.

So, what? I didn't feel like it. I was lazy and I enjoyed it. This is what I thought that I wanted - to not be the person...the cute little girl who bakes cute little, delicious things; like a good, little girl. But, I think that without it I sometimes find that I like being that person. Because that is all I know who to be, who I was, who people like me to be. Venturing out on something different is always complicated, it is so easy to stay nestled in your nice little shell. One that you have always known to work so well.

I suppose what I am really trying to say is that I am still finding it difficult to break from the things that are expected of me. What others think that I should be. Whether I want it or not. I cannot break free and feel good about it.

Because, I guess, I will always have that time where I was innocently driving in the car with my mother and I asked where we were going. And she responded, "To the grocery store. You are baking a cake, we need to get the ingredients."

How do you break free from what you don't even know?