I want it, I need it.

I have a real goal for the next year. Yes, it is true. And I can only hope that I have the power,the perseverance to remember it once all of the hype of the New Year has disappeared.


Well, I have made a small, but oh-so-significant goal for myself next year -
to write something of significance that I have accomplished with every month that will pass ...Someway that I have changed, become a little bit smarter, learned some truths and falsities…etc, etc..I want to record something that I can look back on at the end of the year,and be proud that I have accomplished something in my life, at least one thing every month worth living for.

And, yes I am aware how much a burden this could become(and in fact how terribly, for lack of a better word, 'cheesy' it sounds)but all that I want is something small that I can remember,some sort of proof I will have of all the growth I know is (and has been) happening to me.

Obviously this requires that I actually participate in activities that are actually worth my while.Activities that push my limits and are worth doing, worth living through, worth remembering,the ones that make me feel alive ... Ah, still the naivete? Or the learning?

I could try and rack my brains about this past year (since it is the last day of 2008 and all).But, too much, too lazy. (I know no real excuse). I have been, in these recent months, overwhelmed with this new life I have been creating and/or realizing and/or believing for myself. One that could actually happen.Could actually come to life. This one that I thought was only well reserved, and forever settled, in my dreams.

And somewhere in the past four months I have made this decision to change and be something more than I am.And I remember the moment(s) where I have really stopped and realized,and I certainly mean this crazy paused-life-and-realized, that I can change this to what I want,to something amazing.

But then again, there is something that I must say ... I have realized that I need to back off, but give in more.I have to somehow find the balance between falling in too deep and backing off too much.

Ah, the complexities. The seeming contradiction, the paradox that this is. Beautiful, really. No, am I joking?

Should I try and summarize, highlight the best point? ... Maybe for once, I will see something I can make of myself, of my future...and even surrounded by all of the nonsense of celebrating the New Year,I will be able to change myself, to make something more happen.

Maybe for once I will actually, actually learn from mistakes, and "do it again" right.