What a strange feeling it is to know that people recognize you. They know who you are, they remember you, etc. (well maybe there really is not 'etc.' there) I mean was that guy behind the counter just saying that simply because he is a conversational person and that is what he does? Am I simply taking this to some level it was never meant to go to? Is he thinking of someone else? How strange is it to become aware that people KNOW who you actually are. What happens now, in life, once we are opened up to whatever it is that we are - something that we never knew we were or ever could be. People think of you. People think of ME! How frickin' crazy, dude. ;)
Then there is always this lingering feeling that I have that maybe I am simply thinking too much of this. I mean, It was just some random happening while I was getting food. No big deal. But then again that is not all that I am really getting at here. I am getting at the fact that this is something bigger (hard to figure that one out, right?). This, as always with my wonderful life, stands for something I cannot articulate. Some other sort of metaphor to say that maybe I am not as invisible as I think/have always thought. Maybe I really am more than I ever thought possible. Maybe I am more than whatever I actually think that I am.
Then this whole thing about awareness comes into play. What happens now, now that I know, that I am aware? How go on living the right way to still be what I never thought that I was and yet be that better version of myself? Be that more 'confident' embodiment of what I didn't know I was,..to make it all work better? Why does it all have to be so difficult? I don't understand. And then there is still something that I feel I am not getting at. Like, what does this mean for me? I am really not this invisible person. I am really not whatever I thought I was - so am I ignorant to myself? But, mostly it has to do with the fact of - where do I go from here? How do I not let my thoughts run away with this? How do I be what I be - what is/was known; what is respected - with this knowledge. It is like some sort of pressure that is building, like I HAVE to live up to this because that is what people think of me. And how do I be this without letting them all down?
I almost feel, in a way, that I was better off not knowing because then I would have nothing to 'live up to' I would have no expectations. And the moment people expect something of you, or, rather, when you become aware you are something – you start to disappoint. As I said I would just be what I was 'being' and that 'be' it. I was better off not knowing because then I would not have this external - no maybe it is internal - distraction. Then again - maybe it is better that I am becoming aware of it because it is almost some sort of relief to know that I am not this invisible, unintelligent nothing. I just have to take all of this information and do the 'right' thing with it. But what is the right thing? Who am I to think that I am more than nothing? More than I ever thought? huh? Who am I to think any of that? I don't know.
The thing is I am just not fully convinced that this whole awareness thing is really where it's all at. I am not fully convinced that it is something to strive for, something to look for. Then again I am not fully convinced that living in ignorance, living in bliss, is really where it's all at either. So like always I am simply (ugh) stuck somewhere in the middle. Perpetually stuck in the middle - yearning to be on this side or that side - but not really liking either of those sides anyway. Then again, maybe there is some third side I am missing.
Then again, who really cares about what anyone thinks of you, IF anyone thinks of you.
Who really cares about anything at all really?
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